Hi. My name is Amber Caldwell, and I work at the new Paper Street Tattoo Parlor in Inwood, New York.

I started working here around the tail end of last year. Right before the big fire, anyway… the one that consumed the old shop. It was probably a good thing that I didn’t get my equipment moved in as quickly as I wanted it to be, the whole building and its contents went up in a blaze almost instantly.

I’m an aspiring tattoo artist by trade, I guess you could say. Practicing, hoping that one day I’ll be a little less facetious when I call myself a professional. I’m young, but I’m also quite determined to get better at everything, which I try to do everyday. The other artists, and by that I mean the girls that work here, all say the same thing, more or less. Most of them were like me – they didn’t have a lot of experience when Paper Street brought them in… or should I say when “she” brought them in.

For a while there, I had almost given up and moved back to the old farm. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be here right now.

It’s an odd story, a little bit on the long side too. But whatever, you’re here. I guess that means you wanna hear it? Alrighty then. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Okay, so… Nadette, our shop manager – the person who now runs the *new* Paper Street Tattoo Company – doesn’t even want the founder’s name spoken here at the shop. There’s literally no mention of her anywhere – which is odd to those of us who at least remember (at the very least) what the old shop used to be. The old place, and the people gathered there, were formed from the founder’s vision as to what a tattoo parlor could and should be. Paper Street was committed not only to serve the customers, but to serve the artists it employed and the surrounding community, too. Now, in the new Paper Street, it’s made as if “she” had never existed to us… and none of us know why.

No one will talk about her.

That’s the way Nadette wants it to be.

The girls tell me in secret that Nadette was like a mother to “her”… and “she” acted very much like Nadette’s surrogate daughter. They were more than just best friends, they were closer than any two people could be… or so rumor has it. So why the split? When I found out that “she” was back and performing for wrestling shows in Baltimore, I went to Baltimore. I’m a grown woman, I have a car, a driver’s license, fuel in the tank and days off too. I wanted answers… seems like a simple enough solution to me.

So I went to go find her so I could ask her in person. Face to face. Nadette sure as hell doesn’t want to talk about what caused the split, and maybe “she” didn’t want to, either. But I felt like I owed it to her, personally… and I felt like the parlor owed it to her, too. “She” had a right to tell her side of the story. “She” had given us all chances even if only for the sake of giving them – so why wasn’t Nadette giving her one, too?

Did she do something so terrible that it could not be forgiven?

I had to know.

So I went to Baltimore to track her down. I went behind everyone’s back, including Nadettes, because what I do on my free time is none of her business. I went to a Carnage Wrestling show… and I’ll admit, I’m not a huge fan of wrestling. Far from it. My Dad watched it from time to time but I’m not the biggest fan by any stretch. But after watching her do it, I must say there’s something about the way she performs. I’ve actually quite enjoyed seeing her as a fighter. What turned out as a single trip for answers has become something else… something more. It’s been a lot of fun getting to know the woman whose name isn’t supposed to be spoken around here.

But I think what I’ve enjoyed most has been getting to know her as a person. Not as a fighter, or a founder, or even as an artist… though the latter is something I remain highly interested in…

Now, don’t get me wrong. New York has been a great city to me but it’s still a lonely city filled to the brim with lonely people. People come here for all sorts of reasons, and like I’m finding out there’s more people like me than there are not. What I found particularly interesting is that she’s like me, too, in a lot of ways. Apparently she came to New York for the same reason I did, to make a new life for herself… and now she’s somewhere between not wanting to come back and not being welcomed, either. Now I’m stuck in the same position when it comes to going to her shows.

I’m not quite sure if I want to go back… and I know for sure that I’m not wanted back, either. I hated keeping secrets. But some things were just kept better in the dark. I just kept telling myself that it’s not really anyone’s business how I’ve been choosing to spend my days off.

How I’ve been visiting the unspeakable woman.

Magdalena Lockheart.

Little did I know that that would all change…

 

 

Wednesday, August 14th, 2019
11:40AM
The Paper Street Tattoo Company
Inwood, New York

 

Three days after one of Maggie’s biggest shows of the year and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’d been considering putting a stop to the trips altogether. I could tell that she has a lot on her plate lately. It seems like all I do when I go down there is cause trouble.

Now let me make one thing crystal clear: I never went to these shows to make any trouble for anyone. I don’t think that I’ve done anything to warrant being labeled a trouble-maker but apparently whoever runs things in Carnage thinks I do. They’ve made it clear that they’ll do whatever it takes to keep me away from any building that they’re having a show in. It sucks. I know next-to-nothing about wrestling but I do know this ain’t how the typical ticket-buying fan gets treated. What I’m not too sure about is why. I can’t tell if I’m the reason for this particular brand of shit hospitality or if they just like fucking with Maggie.

I mean… getting kicked out of the arena before I even went in? Seriously?

Whatever. Those Carnage people can ban me all they want. I don’t need to attend their shows. I ain’t missing much. I can still go down to Baltimore on the off-weekends. Maybe Maggie wouldn’t mind, right? Just having a friend… just being there for her. It doesn’t have to be anything more complicated than that, right? It’s not weird. I just… wanted to get to know her more.

I just wanted to have the opportunity to know her like the rest of them did-

“Am?”

I nearly knocked over my station as I turned. Nani, another one of the shops artists, was staring at me with her arms crossed over her chest.

“I.. Uh.. Yeah?” I managed to stammer out, “Need something Nan?”

I started to rearrange the palette of inks on my station as if that’s what I was doing the entire time.

“Just wanted to let you know your 12:00 was here,” she said with a cheerful smile. “Gotta get your head outta them clouds girl!”

Eyes widened, I took a quick glance at the clock and then the lobby to see a gentlemen standing there, patiently waiting. Shit. I was just trying to clean my station up for him before I started daydreaming, too. This mess had occupied my brain more than it should. In my defense the business around here has been so slow lately that it’s giving me too much time to think.

I nodded my head at Nani and went to greet my client.

“Thanks. I didn’t even see him come in.”

“How could ya?” She teases. “These last few weeks it’s like you ain’t even here anymore.”

 

 

A few hours later, I’m cleaning up my station again. (I think I do more cleaning than tattooing anymore, but the paychecks are still the same.) I’m still thinking about my little problem when I felt my phone go off in my pocket. I ignored it for a few minutes, opting to finish the clean up first. Like it or not, Nadette has her standards, even if the business has fallen under hard times.

“That was a sick piece, Am.” Rosalynn said in passing. She’s another artist who I work with… as a matter of fact her station sits directly across from mine. I frequently catch her stealing glances whenever she thinks she can get away with it.

I turned my head and grinned, my pride in my work growing with each piece.

“Thanks. I’m pretty proud of it myself actually.”

“You should be. You’re soon gonna put me outta a job.” She said with a nervous chuckle.

“Oh Ros, chill. Everyone knows it’s my neck on the chopping block.” I replied with a chuckle of my own. “Seniority always rules.”

“Nah.” She was so calm and so cold. Everything she said was so matter-of-factly stated. “Talent does. When Dette sees what you’ve been doing lately… whew… I better get my resume ready.”

“Both of ya, stop it,” Nani chimed in with her typical bubbly outlook on everything. “We’re doing the best we can. What else can we do? Business has been slow, yes. But it’s just a bit of a lull in the market right now… not too many people are getting tattoos right now.”

“That’s what they all say,” Ros added, “right before they go out of business.”

“Look, when the market shifts and the customers see the work we’ve been putting out lately, they’ll all come back for more. Ya gotta have a little faith ‘is all.” Nani replied.

Rosalyn nodded her head. “Yeah Amb, have a little faith will ya? Jeez.”

She winked at me and promptly went back to reading a magazine. I stared at her for a few moments more, but I couldn’t help but wonder… Just like I have ever since that first trip to Baltimore.. What would they think if I just told them where I’ve been going for the last couple of months?

I know that Maggie thinks this place is better off without her, but I just don’t think any of these women feel that way. I’ve never asked them… but I can tell how they feel about it. It sounds crazy, but whenever Maggie is mentioned, even if it’s only a brief passing, I can sense the entire mood of the shop shift. It’s like a piece is missing right now, and has been for a while… plus there’s that overwhelming sense of Nadette looming in the background. For one reason or another, it hurts them to bring the topic of Maggie up… so I don’t.

My phone goes off again and I reach into my pocket, pulling it out. I couldn’t ignore it any longer. But it was almost as if Nadette had timed it perfectly, because as soon as I had the phone in my hand I heard her voice calling out to me.

“Amber?”

Nadette’s voice echoed through the room, much like it always did. I put the phone away and turned to look at her – her long, brunette hair tied back behind her head in a slick ponytail and her dark eyes were focused directly on me as if I had done something wrong.

“Yeah, ‘Dette?”

“I need to speak with you… in private.”

Her eyes narrowed on me before she retreated to her office, leaving the door open behind her. She never leaves the door open unless she absolutely wants someone in there. Here we go, I thought. Whatever it was wasn’t good.

“Uh oh. What did you do now?” Nani asked.

I shrugged. Maybe I was getting laid off for one reason or another. Maybe fired outright, I didn’t know. I felt like I was being summoned to the principal’s office. The pit in my stomach grew.

I peeked my head through the doorway, looking at Nadette sitting at her desk. Her fingernails were tapping on the desktop. She didn’t look happy. Then again, she never really is anymore.

“What’s up?”

She motioned for me to come inside.

“Close the door.”

I did as she said. I figured I might as well make myself comfortable too so I sat down in the chair across from her, crossing my legs.

“I got phone call this morning.” She said breaking a few moments of silence, her German accent making it a little hard to fully understand what she said. “It very… what is word? Interesting?”

“You got a phone call?”

“Yes. From some… reporter.”

I nod my head. “Oh yeah?” Thinking to myself, who could that be? The shop hasn’t had publicity in months. “That is interesting… but what does it have to do with me?”

“They ask me about you.”

“Me?” I shrugged. “Why would ‘some reporter’ be asking about me?”

“Oh… she ask me if you work here… Ask me about your… behavior.”

I cocked my eyebrow.

“My… behavior? That’s a little strange.”

“She ask if you got kicked out of buildings recently.” Nadette glanced up at me from across the desk. “So have you?”

She held her breath waiting for my answer… her lips pursed as tight as a drumhead. I threw my shoulders up and acted like I had no idea what she was talking about. But Dette could see right through it and I could tell. I’m a poor liar. I never wanted things to get this far. But it’s not like I knew that they would have, either.

“Fine.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes knowing I was trying to tell her a lie, so a little truth would have to do. “I did go to a show on Sunday but I got kicked out of the building for literally no reason. But it’s not like I did anything to warrant it. Security asked me to leave so I left. There was literally nothing else to it than that. Police didn’t even get involved. It’s literally nothing to worry about.”

“…and yet why do I feel as so?”

I shrugged again.

“I dunno.”

She still wasn’t buying it.

“Why do you go to… show… in the first place?”

I chuckled a little bit. Couldn’t believe I had to explain this to my boss. “Maybe because I wanted to? Maybe just to be entertained? Why else would anyone go to a show Dette?”

Nadette shook her head, dismissing me with little else because apparently she already knew the truth.

“This… did not happen to be a… wrestling show, did it?”

“Something tells me you might already know the answer to that.” I mumbled.

“Ja.”

After her brief, simple, and yet damning reply, Dette sat tapping her fingernails on the desk again. Meanwhile across the desk I’m struggling to breathe. I’m also struggling in coming to terms with being caught in the act, but not in a way that either of us could have predicted.

“So… what exactly? Am I not allowed to do what I want to on my days off?”

She folded her hands together. Not a good sign.

“I do not care what you do… but I do care why. And I want to know the truth Amber.”

“What truth?”

“Tell me that you not go to see… Her.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the exact moment where it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. It felt like what I imagine being an airplane that suddenly lost cabin pressure, or a submarine taking on water while trapped in the deepest ocean trench.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I threw my hands up. “You already know apparently. Don’t think I want to make things any worse by lying to you about it.”

My heart sank. It felt like I was struggling for each breath. Across the table, I could tell that Dette was hurting, but not because of her demeanor or by the look on her face. She was calm, stoic. It was something in her eyes… something in the way that it felt like the memory of Maggie just chipped away at her soul.

“Ja, I know.” Dette finally spoke. “But it hurt that you try hide truth from me. I still I want to know why you go to see her.”

“I wasn’t hiding anything. Where I go and who I see in my personal time is my business.”

“Not when it her, it is not.”

Dette wasn’t fooling around and I could tell that our chat was about to take a nosedive.

“I do not have time for games. I have shop to run, Amber, and no time for the nonsense.”

“I don’t understand,” I responded. “What nonsense? Yeah, I’ve been going down to see Maggie. But I don’t get what the big deal is about that.”

“Everything I do, to rebuild. To, to, to… give you girls place to work and money for food to eat. All I ask is for one thing and you cannot give that to me?  Am I like joke to you?”

“You’re not telling me why I shouldn’t see her,” I replied.

Nadette slammed her palms down on the desk, startling me.

“I do not have to,” she replied, growling. “I am your boss. Maybe you forget that I am one who tells you what to do.”

“Oh yeah?” I stood up from the chair. “Well I’ll give you that. When I’m on the clock, sure. And when I’ve been on the clock for you I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do without question.  I’ve cleaned every inch of this shop and I put my heart and soul into each piece that I do.  But when I’m off, what I do and who I go see is up to me.  That’s just not any of your business.”

“Not if you want to work here, it is.”

Granted, I normally stand my ground in situations like these. But I didn’t exactly have an exit strategy mapped out – I kinda knew that I had no place else to go. I knew that it was going to be Paper Street or it was going to be going back home as a failure. I wasn’t prepared to start packing my things.

“I just tell you straight. Either you work here or you see her.  Not both.”

I paused for a moment. I was shocked that my boss would have given me such an ultimatum… but I think it helped put things into perspective that I didn’t quit right there on the spot.

“I will give you time to think, ja?” She continued, as I stood there frozen in that moment in time. “But I catch you anywhere near her again, I will have to let you go.”

“I… understand.” I nodded. Something about this didn’t feel right. I’m not sure if I was disgusted more at Nadette or at myself. “Thank you.”

I walked out of the office and closed the door behind me. For a moment I looked up at the shop and saw every girl’s eyes glaring at me as they tried to read my expressions… tried to figure out what it was Dette had called me into the office for in the first place.

My phone beeped again. I sighed and dug it out of my pocket. It was Maggie messaging me again. She had been trying to get a hold of me all day.

I looked around once more at the new Paper Street and sighed. I messaged her back.

Can’t talk now. Really busy. Line of customers. Gotta go.

I hit send and pushed the phone back down where it came from. I went to my station and started cleaning again.

There were no customers.