I know I fucked up.

…

…

Rewind back a month ago. Things in my life were getting to be about as bleak as they possibly could have been. But then, for me, something unexpected happened.

Forgive me if I’m being vague, but there is a point to it all. The Championship Wrestling Federation. I want to talk about forgiveness… I want to talk about, how we don’t really understand that which lies ahead of us. We always think we do at the time.

But let’s rewind even further. Let’s go all the way back to the CWF Supershow and the Make Your Impact Melee that crowned the first Impact Champion of the new era… to that day where fate would have it that I met the one and only Johnny Graves.

At first glance, I thought I knew him… or at least knew enough of him to formulate a plan of attack. He was charismatic… he was stunning… he was arrogant… but he also was quite good. Still, that night, that moment in Germany, I had it set in my heart that I wanted to be the CWF Impact Champion at all costs. What that championship meant to me was a test of what each of the competitors in that match were willing to sacrifice to get it. I thought that there wasn’t another fighter in that match or in the entire CWF that would go to the same lengths, struggle through the same fatigue, fight through the same pain that I would… and in a way I was right. I still believe that I have barely scratched the surface as far as the impact I can make on not just the CWF, but the entire wrestling industry. But I didn’t win that night… and I’ve come to find out that I wasn’t exactly right about everything I had assumed, either.

But that’s where forgiveness comes in… and to the things that are… and will end up being… unexpected.

You just never truly know what you’re getting yourself into until you’re so far deep in it that you forget how to get back to the surface.

 


The Plunge

 

 

The Paper Street Tattoo Company is not anything like I remembered it.

Almost every weekday morning for the past month I’ve ridden in to ‘work’ hoping to find some sense of familiarity. Every morning it strikes me…

It’s not the same building anymore. Not even the same location. I step out of the car into a neighborhood that’s different, looking at a shop that’s smaller. All of the names and the faces on the inside are just the same as they were a year ago… perhaps just a little bit older. Nadette Fischer, the shop manager, is there to greet me just like she is there to greet all of her employees as they first walk in, no matter how early they decided to be. Nadette and I have a long, storied history… and if it wasn’t for her forgiveness I wouldn’t be back among my friends. But I look over in the direction of the area of the parlor that would have been my tattooing station if I would/could still do those things… and it’s just… well… not.

Every morning I’m reminded of the cost of my actions.

So why has this been such a difficult thing to learn?

“Good morning ‘Dette,” we’d say as Amber and I would stroll by. On the colder nights, Am would take off her jacket and place it on the coat rack before striding over to that aforementioned station… all of her ink and her artwork placed in that station exactly how she wanted it, because it was in fact her station.

Nadette would sometimes smile, sometimes not. Sometimes she’d give me a hug but lately the only thing she’s been hugging in the early hours is her cup of black coffee. “Mornin’,” she’d say in a soft, almost uncaring tone. Her thick German accent always came through.

Depending on the day, there’d be other artists there. Some came in early, others worked late. Customers came in by appointment, mostly. This is the way Paper Street Tattoo Company has been since I started the business all but five years ago now.

Did I mention that I own it?

Yes, it’s true. But like most things, it changed over time. The business changed… the people changed… I’ve changed. I didn’t leave the Tattoo company on the best of terms (actually I was carted off in handcuffs) but that was after the old shop burned down and long after I could no longer do any tattoos myself. I still wanted to come back… hell I even asked permission from my entire staff to come back. It was all met with a resounding “yes” to say the least. But now I had perhaps my biggest challenge to date…

How do I add to something, how do I matter… when I know that they’ve gotten along for months just fine without me?

I typically look over at Amber and watch the twinkle in her eye as she set out whatever needles and inks she’d need for her first appointment. I’m not sure if she ever notices, but she smiles ever so slightly when she’s thinking about something or contemplating that which she truly enjoys. Amber sometimes would glance back at me and catch me manning my new station at the very front of the shop.

I’m the girl who stands there and waits for customers to walk in.

I’m the girl who says, “Welcome to the Paper Street Tattoo Shop.”

 

 

…and what does all this have to do with CWF? With Natural Selection… with Magdalena Lockheart and Johnny Graves as a team… with Savannah Jade?

Everything.

Nothing.

You be the judge.

But either way I’m standing here.

Either way, for Savannah, I’m saying, “Welcome to the CWF.”

 

 

Forgiveness is a funny thing.

Nadette forgave me and welcomed me back into Paper Street. The simplest way that I can explain it is that Paper Street both literally and figuratively was my home. I gave that up, I pushed that away… and then at the beginning of this year I watched it all go up in flames. But when I was accused of being the one to start the blaze… Nadette didn’t defend me. When I was shackled and carted off to jail… Nadette didn’t come rushing down there to post my bail.

She forgave me enough that I could come back. She forgave me enough that we could be friendly again. But I can’t say that either one of us has forgiven the other enough that we’ve forgotten about anything.

Maybe that’s why I felt so nervous about telling Johnny Graves the truth.

Before, and even after the Supershow that crowned Graves as King, things were said between him and I about each other that probably not all of it was true. But we’re professionals. It’s our job to entertain as much outside of the ring as we end up performing in it… and hell… even just a couple of years in the industry is enough to thicken anyone’s skin. But that being said, I didn’t like everything that Johnny had to say. Even after the match… especially after the result… I found myself paying more attention to the words coming out of his mouth and spilling through whatever microphone. I tried to get to know Johnny more.

But I did that, at first, not because I wanted to know who Johnny Graves was. I did that because I wanted to beat him. I wanted to come back stronger, I wanted to overcome the plight of the masked man attacking me. I still wanted to be the CWF Impact Champion. I still knew that I could be. But I also knew that I had earned a piece of Johnny’s respect given the circumstances. I knew how he felt considering his win was a little bit tainted. I also knew one of Johnny’s glaring weaknesses.

I knew how he looked at me.

I admit it, I was wrong. I fucked up… I saw a situation that I could manipulate and I let myself pull one of my old tactics, play one of my old games. I tried to justify getting closer to Johnny as my curiosity for him growing… which it was… and still is. But I also knew that he was pining over the chance to get me alone at a bar, or in his hotel room… I knew he wanted to slip into my pants the moment he first laid eyes on me.

…and I never told him I was gay.

I dunno. I just… played along with it. He bought me a necklace, and I wore it. I do love the necklace, and I still do love wearing it… but I knew exactly what I was doing.

I wanted to get closer, so I did. I wanted to learn more of his weaknesses, more of his thought processes, so I did. I wanted to know Johnny’s deepest desire and his greatest fear so I allowed him to think that there was a chance. I knew it was wrong… but there’s a reason I’ve survived as long as I have in this business.

…and that’s why I say that the unexpected has an effect on things that we never really understand until after it happens. I never knew that my suspicions were correct… scratch that… I never knew to what extent I’d get to know the ‘real’ Johnny Graves.

I always thought that the man running his mouth on the stick in front of the camera was all just a show.

I never knew that the real man beneath all of that would be so… vulnerable…

Fascinating…

As the weeks have gone by, so has the scope of my guilt steadily risen and the scope of my failure to understand what I’d be destroying if I allowed it to continue. I can’t be a better fighter at the expense of being a better person… I can’t help create what can be perhaps the greatest tag team in the history of the industry when one day, inevitably, my partner would have found out that I had been playing him the entire time.

I just hoped that, if I told him now, that he could find it in his heart to forgive me.

It might not change anything. The damage may already have been done. But maybe if we can work this out, he and I can still be partners inside the ring. Perhaps we could still make magic together.

But I guess that’s up to him now…

 

 

Savannah Jade.

Everyone’s got a backstory. For people like us? For young women trying to break into this business, it’s typically not a pleasant one, either.

I don’t know that much about you. All I know is whatever biography leaked through the internet, and whatever the CWF tells me. Who knows if any of that is true? All I really know is who I am, and what my purpose is… and that when the bell rings I’m going to have someone standing in front of me who thinks that they want to win the fight more than I do. It’s my job, it’s my duty, it’s my calling to prove otherwise. Some might say it’s in my nature… some might say it’s in my blood.

…and I can say that I’ve spilled my blood for this business countless times, and should good luck have a hand in it, I’ll spill it again countless more. I come out here week to week and I talk a lot of shit but I do that knowing that I have the full intention of backing it up… week to week. It doesn’t matter where I’m at on the card. It doesn’t matter if I don’t know my opponent at all or if we’re at the tail-end of a heated rivalry. I am who I am and I do what I do and I say what I say because I come out there week to week with the same goal in mind.

I want to be better.

I want to win.

So what does it matter if I’m the girl who’s standing here saying welcome to the CWF? For you, it means you’ve got someone who isn’t distracted by the fact that you’re a wildcard opponent in a “prove it” spot on a regular Evo… you’ve got someone who will fight you the same way as if we were Main Eventing, fighting for the CWF World Championship on a Supershow. You’ve got someone who sympathizes with all of the struggles that you’ve been through just to get to this point right here, but also someone who understands that just because you’ve worked so hard for this match doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly owed a damned thing. But most importantly, you’ve got someone who sees herself as a survivor of this industry. I don’t just have to take you down for the sake of it. I have to take you down because I promised the CWF fans that I would make an impact in this company.

…and maybe, you wouldn’t think of yourself as much of an opportunity to do that… but take my advice on this one. Treat it all the same. The regular matches, the ultraviolent matches, the battle royales, the massive melees, the championship matches, the tournament finals… I’ve seen it all. There’s not a moment in this business where entire careers couldn’t be ended in the blink of an eye. It all matters. It’s all important. It’s always looking two steps ahead but also glancing over your shoulder to make sure nobody stabs you in the back. It’s always about striving to make that impact in any situation… because you never… really… know…

For all I know, Savannah Jade, you might be a future CWF World Champion, CWF Impact Champion, or CWF Hall of Famer walking through that door.

But I’m here to greet ya… and if you do get to accomplish all of those things, great. If you don’t, oh well.

Either way though… we know what step one has to be.

You’ll have to try to get through me.

My mission hasn’t changed. I will make an impact in the Championship Wrestling Federation… and I will do that the only way that I know how.

I’ll do it one step at a time, Savannah.

Good luck, Ms. Jade. You’re about to learn what I can do.