OOC: In order to fully understand the final two sections of this RP, you might need to read JC’s ( Who has to know? ) And Maggie’s ( Casualty of WAR ) RPs for Carnage Wrestling’s We Are Relentless! Enjoy!

Date September 5th 2018 / Time 11:05AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Office of Doctor Irene Itzkof, MD – New York City, New York

“How’ve you been, Lucy? It’s been a few weeks.”

I look up from my hands and into the eyes of Dr. Itzkof, nodding my head.

“I’ve been good. Things have been good. How are you doing?”

I cringe at myself, shaking my head. It has been a few weeks since I’ve been here to visit her. Not because I think that after a few sessions I’m magically cured of everything that’s wrong with me.. But because, well, I don’t know.. I’ve been sorting through a lot of shit in my mind, trying to make things right between myself and those I care about. Not to mention an assortment of feelings and emotions that range between guilt and love; frustration and contentment.

“I’ve been well.”

She replies, pulling out her notebook and laying it down on her desk, taking a quick glance at her notes from our last few sessions before turning her gaze back up at me.

“So, where do you want to start today, Lucy?”

She does this every time, and every time before I’ve shrugged my shoulders, unsure of where to begin. Over the last three or so times I’ve been here, the main topic of discussion has been my attempt at my own life and my childhood that led me to what I did. I don’t really know how much more of that shit I can handle talking about.

No matter how much it’s helped.. It’s always going to be there. Nothing will change how I grew up or what I did. And it has helped, talking about it. If nothing else, it’s given the doctor a better understanding of what I dealt with and why I made the decision I did – and it’s given me a sense of closure over the entire thing. What else is there? Acceptance? I think I can accept what’s happened.. At least moreso than I used to.

“Would you like to–”

“I don’t know. I think I’ve beaten that dead horse enough, doc. Some things have been going on recently, since, well.. You know.”

Her eyebrows raise in question.

“Oh?”

I nod my head.

“Yeah, I mean I’ve never told you about what happened the day I tried to kill myself. I mean, not everything…”

“Then by all means.”

She motions for me to continue. I take a deep breath and wipe my sweaty hands on my pants legs.

“Well, I mean I told you about everything I did leading to it and even what I felt after I took those pills. I felt content and happy. I felt like I finally made the right decision for once, you know? I thought I was just gonna stay there by that window and die, alone. That was until Joe practically kicked my door in.”

“Joe?”

“JC.. Joe, my best friend. I don’t really know how he picked up on the fact that something was wrong with me that day, I guess if I really went back and thought about it – I could pinpoint the thing that tipped him off, but yeah.. He busted in there just as I was starting to fall asleep and.. He saved me. Looking back, I don’t think I could ever express to him how grateful I am for that.”

She nods and jots a few things down in her book as she replies.

“Tell me about your friendship.”

I shrug my shoulders.

“It’s funny, he and I used to absolutely despise one another. We both used to wrestle for OWF and well when he first came back, I was aligned with a group called ‘The Violent Society’ and he stood against everything that we stood for. He and I had quite a few run ins with each other over those couple of years and a lot of them ended with he or I in a world of pain afterwards. I don’t know what changed though. The violent society fell apart and he fell out with the group that he was with and over a number of months, he and I realized that we had far more in common than we’d ever imagined. And that relationship.. I mean, friendship has evolved so much since that time.”

“How so?”

I can feel my cheeks flushing at the question. How so.. Good lord. What a loaded question. She doesn’t even know.

“We just get each other. I don’t really know how to describe it. He’s got a lot of shit going on in his life too and we help each other through it. He’s like the one person I know I can depend on though everything and I know, I damn well know that he wouldn’t ever lie to me – no matter the bad decisions I’ve made and the things I’ve kept from him. But..”

My voice trails off and I look away, wringing my hands together as I listen to her scribbling on that note pad of hers. I wonder sometimes what the hell she’s writing down about me in there. Lucy is a nut job. I don’t know if I can help her. At least I’m getting paid.

“But?”

“That day.. He came there. No matter how much I tried to push him away he was there. My dad… I mean, the voice in my head told me that Joe was hiding something from me and it was right.”

She doesn’t respond, she just looks up expectantly, waiting for me to continue.

“Before I passed out.. He told me he loved me.”

My chest tightens a little as I speak those words. Since that day in the hospital room after I woke up, he and I haven’t spoken of it at all. Makes sense, considering he’s got Stacy and Lizzy and obviously he doesn’t want to mess that whole thing up by openly talking about feelings for me.

“And?”

Finally she speaks up and I realize that I’d been sitting there for a few minutes without saying anything. I shrug again and sigh.

“And… I told him I loved him back, after I woke up in the hospital room.”

“I’m not sure I see a problem, Lucy. Friendships sometimes turn into romances, if two people are close enoug–”

“He’s married, with a daughter. Stacy and him have had some problems over the last few months, but she came back home finally.. After I went and talked with her about how much Joe needs her there for him and his… issues.”

Suddenly, an understanding washes over her face and she nods.

“I see.”

She scribbles a few more notes.

“Issues?”

I nod my head.

“Yeah, but I don’t think I should say anything about that, considering that’s kind of private. But either way, his wife left with their kid after an episode and in my opinion he needed her there. He didn’t need her to just leave him like that. But yeah… He’s got a life and a family and I definitely don’t want to muck that up for him.”

“How would you be the one to ‘muck’ that up, Lucy?”

“I.. I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t force him to feel anything, did I? But still.. Regardless, I don’t want him to give up the good thing he’s got for me.. Considering I’ve got my own… relationship issues to deal with.. Not to mention all of this.”

I say, motioning to my head.

Tight chest. Turning stomach. If I were any less controlled right now, I’d toss my cookies all over her desk.

“I thought you were single, Lucy.”

“I.. I mean, I am. Maggie and I broke up… sometime ago. I.. I was the one who broke it off.”

“Because of Joe?”

I shake my head.

“No, God no. That was well before all of this… She and I got into a fight, and the voice told me that she didn’t care about me, didn’t want what was best for me.. So I broke it off, backstage at a show. I screamed at her, told her I was done with her and that was that.”

“I see..”

Silence takes over for a few moments as I think about the guilt I feel over what happened between Maggie and I. I look back at that night and I can’t believe that I did that. I don’t even know the person that stood in front of her, screaming into her face while all our peers looked on – belittling her and talking down to her like she was nothing to me. And every time I see her now, that’s all I see.. That and the look in her eyes as I broke her heart and left her standing there, embarrassed and broken.

“I know I let that voice control me, but that doesn’t change what I did. I hurt her. Badly. My frame of mind during that time makes no difference.. I did it. I let it happen and I don’t know if she’ll ever truly forgive me.”

“Do you still love her?”

“I do… But…”

“But you love Joe as well.”

I nod my head and put my face down in my hands. Why do I do this shit to myself?

“I’m a fucking mess.”

“You’re human, Lucy.”

I sigh and slowly bring my head back up so that I can look across the desk at her again.

“A fucked up human…. A really fucked up human…”

 

Date September 19th 2018 / Time 1:32PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Office of Doctor Irene Itzkof, MD – New York City, New York

“So tell me more about your relationship with.. Maggie?”

We left off on a cliffhanger last time, I suppose. I guess the doctor couldn’t wait to hear the next episode of Lucy Wylde: The mini-Series… Jesus. What am I supposed to tell her about Maggie? There’s so much…

“Maggie.. Well, we met a couple of years back, I think.. When she was just starting out as a wrestler. Still in wrestling school, I think and I just happened upon a discussion she and her girlfriend at the time were having. I don’t really remember it now, I just remember Maggie’s excitement over talking to me.. And her girlfriends attitude about the whole thing.”

“What do you mean?”

I raise my eyebrows.

“The excitement or the attitude? Either way, I didn’t know it until Maggie and I actually met and got to know each other, but she was a huge fan of me when she was a kid.. So I guess your childhood… hero talking to you is pretty exciting. As for Sam’s attitude… she always had one when it came to me, but then again, the more I got to know her, the more I disliked her anyway.”

Her name in my mouth always leaves a bad taste.

“Hmmm?”

“I didn’t like the way Sam treated Maggie, but it wasn’t my place to say so.. Maggie and I were just friends, whether her girlfriend agreed with that or not.”

“So when did that change?”

I bite my lip and tilt my head to the side.

“Well, it was New Years eve… After Sam and she had broken up. I don’t really know how it happened… We were at an EWC party and I showed up to surprise her and when the clock struck midnight, it just felt right and I kissed her. She made me feel wanted and needed… More wanted than I’d felt since my ex-husband and I had gotten married.”

It’s in this moment I realize how fucking pitiful I am. But I might as well keep going.

“I didn’t worry about the fact that she practically worshipped the ground I walked on. I figured that wasn’t why she cared about me, at least I hoped that wasn’t the case. I didn’t worry about how much younger she was than me.. Because what’s in a number, honestly? Things were great for a while. We helped each other through some tough shit on both sides and we made it through. But things started getting rough around the time Gabriel Baal.. the guy I told you about a while ago..”

She nods and glances down at her notes.

“The man you were infatuated with?”

I sigh and roll my eyes.

“Yeah. Him. Anyway, things started getting rough when he started his shit. Attacking Rogan and Jase.. My tag team partners and then Maggie… before taking me to my father. But you know that story. After I got back.. I was in so much pain. My arms…”

I hold them up in the air and watch them shake slightly.

“My cheekbone.. Everything, not even mentioning the mental shit I dealt with through all that.. I felt like a different person and I know I was horrible to both her and Joe after they both saved me from dying there in that warehouse. I know it put a strain on my relationships but.. I don’t know. She’s gotten a lot more distant since all of that.. But she was always there, trying to help me feel better. That voice.. That damn voice.. I let it convince me she didn’t care. One thing comes to another and I find out one night that she went behind my back to our boss to get me taken out of a handicap match because she was worried about my health and I was really upset because she’d been injured for a while too. Then the next week I was facing the same person and she came out, distracted me and cost me the match… That’s the night I went off and broke up with her.”

Doctor Itzkof nods her head and continues scribbling on her note pad for a while before looking back up.

“I see. Have you two talked since?”

“A few times. But it’s not the same. I guess she saw the real me and she realizes that her hero isn’t what she originally thought she was. Or maybe she’s just been hurt too damn much and there’s nothing I can do to make it right.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

I scoff and sit up in the chair.

“What does it matter how I feel? I’ve done a lot of shit wrong and I can blame this voice in my head until I’m blue in the face but it was all my choice. Everything I’ve done to hurt the people I love.. It was me. I feel damn lousy about it. I mean, I feel better overall. I feel better than I have in a long time but that shit still eats at me. I keep trying to tell myself that if she were older, maybe she’d understand.. But that’s not fair to her.”

“Maybe not, but it’s how you feel.”

I shake my head.

“Yeah, I mean no.. Fuck, I don’t know. I love her dearly. I know she loves me too… I just don’t know if she loves me.. Or the woman she thought I was back when she was ‘my biggest fan’. That’s a lot of pressure. And sometimes I do think her age really does create a lot more problems between us than it should but I can’t blame her for being twenty one. That’s like blaming someone for being white or for being short. It doesn’t make sense.. But I feel like the gap between us has been growing because of that childishness…”

“What about Joe?”

My eyes widen.

“What about him?!”

“These issues… is there anything like this between the two of you?”

“God no.. No… I mean we’ve argued but I don’t know, there’s a mutual respect between us. But I’m not trying to put Maggie down or make Joe sound better than her. They’re the two most important people in my life.. I don’t know what I’d do without them.”

 

Date September 28th 2018 / Time 12:11PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Baltimore Inner Harbor – Baltimore, Maryland

Sitting on a bench in the Inner Harbor, crowd watching is fun and exciting for a time. Honestly, it’s a beautiful place. I should know, I lived here for years and years before moving up to New York. I don’t really tire of seeing it though. Makes me realize I should come down here more often. But I’ve been sitting here for two hours… almost? I think… Enough time to down two coffees.. One of which I got for someone else, go get two more and down them too.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you had a drinking problem.”

His voice sends shivers up my spine as I turn my head and smirk back at him.

“Well if I didn’t know better… I’d say you didn’t know how to drive in Baltimore traffic.”

Joe shakes his head and moves around the bench to sit beside me and all the empty coffee cups I’ve got strewn about.

“Baltimore traffic.. Like I said, I never thought I’d miss New Jersey rush hour but…”

I can’t help but laugh, turning my body to face him.

“Its some of the worst in the country. Should try walking it sometime. You’d of gotten here like… two hours ago, before I drank all of my drinks and yours too.”

He doesn’t even crack a smile as he shrugs. That’s the thing about Joe, it’s hard to get him to show any real emotion but I’ve decided that I’m going to make him laugh or something today. Well, I’m going to try.

Shit’s been crazy lately.

I’m surprised he even wanted to see me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond happy and grateful that he asked me to hang out with him while he was here, but it was definitely a shock. Especially with everything that I know we both have on our minds.

“I’m surprised you even wanted to see me today…”

I say without thinking as I lean down and grab a cup that blew off of the bench, before grabbing them all and taking them to a nearby trash can.

“Of course I wanted to see you… Why would you think that?”

He asks me as I sit back down next to him.

“I think you know the answer to that, Joe. Come on, don’t be so naive.”

“I am not naive. I just think it’s ridiculous that you of all people would think that I wouldn’t want to see you.”

I sigh and lean back, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Yeah well.. We haven’t really talked much since all of that.”

“Been busy. I’m sorry for–”

“Stop being sorry. I missed you. That’s all.”

I don’t know how he took that, but he tenses up a bit and turns his head to look out at the water for a little while. I let my arms drop to my sides, damning myself for making this awkward within two fucking minutes. I didn’t want this to be awkward. Feelings aside, he’s still my best God damned friend.

Fuck.

“I missed you too.”

He finally says, albeit at a whisper. After a few more seconds he finally glances back at me, his eyes softened up a bit, a couple of small wrinkles forming in the outer corners of his eyes.

“Good to know.”

I say quietly, leaning in with my finger over my mouth.

“Wouldn’t want to say it too loud though.. People might think something.”

He quickly rolls his eyes and stands up, pacing around in front of me.

“Joe.. Stop it. You’re being ridiculous. Sit the hell back down. I’m just playing.”

Instead of sitting down he turns towards me and sighs.

“What do you wanna do today?”

His question takes me by surprise.

“Fuck.  I don’t know… I mean.. I didn’t mean it like that…”

I feel my cheeks starting to burn as I look away. Jesus, I’m calling him out for being awkward and ridiculous about this meeting between us and here I am stumbling over my words like a fucking school girl. But then I hear something I never thought I’d hear.

“Are you fucking laughing at me?”

I ask as I look up and see a small smile on his face.

“Joe…”

I stand up and put my hands on my hips.

“No…”

He straightens his lips out so that he’s again staring at me with that same stern expression that he’s always got.

“Not at all… Come on.”

“Not funny.. You fucker…”

I push him a little with my shoulder as we start walking towards the aquarium, laughing as he moves to push me back but I jog a few paces in front of him and stick my tongue out. He lunges forward, most likely to scare me but instead I just run towards the entrance of the aquarium and stop in front of the doors, but when I turn around he’s right there and in the moment it takes my breath away.

“Jesus… I… didn’t think you could run that fast.”

“I’m old but not out of shape, Luce.”

He takes a step back after a few intense moments and he rakes his hands over his head. I can tell he’s conflicted and frankly, so am I. So what do I do? I cough loudly and obnoxiously, garnering more than a few sideways glances from other patrons of the aquarium.. And Joe himself.

“Lets go look at some fucking fishies, Joe.”

“Can’t you say anything without using the word fuck?”

He asks after shaking his head and pulling the door beside me open. I follow him in and try to keep my distance.

“Fuck no.”

And he laughs.

I can’t even describe what that feels like, to hear him laugh. Unbelievable happiness. Contentment. Belonging.

 

Date September 30th 2018 / Time 8:41PM / Status Not Recording
Location Carnage Wrestling Presents, We Are Relentless – Baltimore, Maryland

I wasn’t only in Baltimore to see Joe. I’m here to root for both him and Maggie in their respective matches tonight. I was really excited to see them both compete here and it makes me realize that I need to be here more… I need to support them more.

As much as they’ve supported me…

It’s only right.

And well… here I am. I’ve already seen Joe tonight and wished him luck in his match with Amy Jo.. Now I’m here outside Maggie’s locker room, wondering how she’s going to feel about me being here tonight.. And hoping that she wants to see me.

“Here goes nothing..”

I mutter as I reach out and knock on the door.

…

Nothing.

Maybe she’s already gone?

The doors open just a bit so I push it open, just to see if she’s inside and much to my surprise, she is. She pulls her earbuds out of her ears as I move through the threshold and directly for her. I reach out and grab her, pulling her into a hug to which she stiffens up.

Maybe that was a bit too much, I think to myself as I pull myself away and look down at her with a smile on my face.

“So, you ready for your big match tonight?”

“Yeah.”

Maggie replies, her voice trailing off a bit with a little exasperation at the end.

“Good!”

I’m glad to hear it. Maybe that response came off a bit too excited, but I don’t know, I’m trying to be supportive. I want her to know that I’m here for her and that I care…

But all she looks is uncomfortable.

“I can’t wait to see it,”

I say, putting my hands on my hips and looking into her eyes.

“You’re going to win that championship tonight, I can feel it. Your first in Carnage Wrestling… your first Hardcore championship-”

“Whoa there now, just hold on.”

Maggie puts her hands up defensively, cutting me off.

“Nothing’s written in stone just yet.”

I scoff and roll my eyes.

“Oh, come on. It’s James Ceno we’re talking about here. Alright? The guy is not only way in over his head, but he’s the creepiest and dumbest fucker I’ve ever met. To say that ‘you’ve got this’ is an understatement. A gross understatement. I have all of the faith in the world that you’re going to go out there and take care of business tonight like you always do… and when you win there’s going to be a big celebration, I hope.”

“Hope that there will be one? Or hope that you’re invited?”

I smirk and shrug my shoulders.

“Well, the latter really.”

I say, reaching out and putting my hand on her shoulder.

“But I do understand the whole ‘not wanting to be too confident’ thing. It’s just not your style.”

I miss her. I really do. I don’t like this standoffish shit that’s going on here.. I know a lot of it’s my fault and I know it’s not easily forgiven or rectified… I don’t know. The way she’s pursing her lips right now.. She looks like she just bit into a lemon. She slowly pulls her shoulder away from my hand and clears her throat.

Oh Christ…

“Lucy…”

She says calmly, which makes me wish I’d of never come here to begin with. I know her and I know that under that calm is something that I don’t know I want to hear… then again, this therapy is all about dealing with shit I don’t necessarily want to deal with…

“…I’ve got to be really honest with you when I say this…”

“Go on.”

Fuck.

“I really do appreciate all of the advice and encouragement and everything. I mean I really do.”

“…but?”

“But I’ve got to be honest with you. Everything that I’ve done here, that I’ve done in Carnage… it doesn’t really concern you.”

I knew it was coming. I mean I didn’t know what… but I knew something like this was coming and I still feel like she just kicked me in the gut as hard as she could. I try to maintain my own composure as I take a deep breath.

“…and what is that supposed to mean?”

“Look… I-I… I didn’t mean it to come out that way. It’s just- everything that I’ve done here, I did because it was a weakness in my game. All of those hardcore matches that I had over in EWC? I kept losing. Granted, I got better as I went along, and the opponents kept getting tougher and tougher, but… I came here to push myself. To learn from all of this. To grow from it. And do you know what I learned?”

“What?”

I think my heart is trying to exit my body through my mouth.

“I… learned that I’m okay with pain. I learned that I’m okay with the scars. I learned that I’m okay with the bloodshed. But what I really learned, perhaps above all and everything else, is that the more people doubt me, the more relentless I become. I’m glad that you’re here, I really am. I just cannot stand here and pretend that there’s nobody out there, nobody in this entire building tonight that hurt me more than you. And I know that you’re going through some really tough shit too and I respect that. And I really hope that what I’m saying right now doesn’t cause you to fall back on some of the progress that you’ve made. But I hope that you please just understand what I’m saying and…”

It’s really hard to stay happy when I’m hearing shit like this come from her mouth. She’s not wrong. I don’t really know what I was expecting when I came here.

“I get it. I understand.”

“It’s pretty bad that Ceno said what he said.”

She adds, turning her eyes to the ground.

“But at least I get to hurt him back.”

I nod my head.

“Yeah, yeah..”

Silence settles between us. Honestly I’m not sure what I should say right now. It hurts… finally knowing how she really feels. But to know that I’m the one that made her feel that way? That hurts worse than anything.

I guess there really is nothing else to say…

“Well I’m just gonna go. Good luck to you tonight.”

I manage to spit out as I turn and move towards the door, stopping when I realize I forgot to give her what I wanted to give her when I came here tonight… A pair of my fighting gloves. I honestly don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.. I should just leave and forget about it…

“Oh and by the way, I thought you would be wanting these tonight.”

Instead I pull them out of my back pocket and hold them up, setting them down on the bench beside Maggie’s bag.

“Doubt you will be needing them though.”

I turn away again and start to walk away, looking back at her over my shoulder with a sad smile on my face.

“Seems like you’re more than capable of inflicting enough pain on your own without ‘em.”

I head back out through the door and practically slam the door behind me.

Shit.

I didn’t mean to do that…

I’m just frustrated. Angry. Sad. Guilty.

All of the above.