Date October 3rd 2018 / Time 10:45AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Office of Doctor Irene Itzkof, MD – New York City, New York

“Did you have a nice trip to Baltimore?”

“I did.. I mean, it didn’t go exactly as I had hoped.”

I reply, leaning back in my chair and crossing my legs – the negative feelings I feel from this past weekend fully outweighing the fun and the happiness I felt… In certain moments of my trip.

“Oh?”

I cross my legs and nod softly, sighing as I run my hands along the fabric of the arm rests.

“My afternoon with Joe was great. We had a really nice time together. We went to the aquarium and spent the afternoon talking and having fun… It was pretty great.”

“Did.. anything else happen?”

I raise my eyebrows.

“What? No.. No! I mean, we got a little close for a few seconds but..”

My mind flashes back to that moment outside of the aquarium when I turned around and he was standing a few inches away from me. Even though it was warm outside, I could feel the warmth of his body radiating towards me. His eyes, the way they softened when he looked at me… The way my breath caught in my throat..

“But?”

“But he took a step back and we both went into the aquarium to look at fish.”

“How’d that make you feel?”

How’d it make me feel? Jesus, Mary and Joseph. How wouldn’t it make me feel? Like my stomach tied itself into a million knots.. Like I couldn’t remember where I was… Like I was a terrible person for feeling that way about someone elses husband…

“It made me feel a lot of things…”

I finally mutter. She turns her attention downward and scribbles away for a few moments before finally looking back up with a bemused grin on her face.

“A lot of things… Hmmm…”

“Yeah.. I mean.. He’s married. I shouldn’t.. I can’t feel that way about him, you know? He’s my best friend. I enjoy his company. I wish we saw each other more often.. I miss him when we don’t see each other. And that’s all it can be… Yeah.. I love him. I love him as my best friend.”

“And something more.”

I hate it when I can feel my heart beating out of my chest.

“Yeah.. and I hate myself for it. It’s like everyone I work with says… I’m like a revolving door in the love department. First CJ.. Then Gabriel.. Then Maggie.. Now.. Joe.”

“You know, you don’t have to always focus on the negatives, Lucy. Just because over the last few years you’ve had feelings for a few people doesn’t make you… a revolving door. Making connections with people is a good thing. Feelings aren’t always a bad thing, even if they end up negatively. It all leads you to where you’re meant to be.”

I shrug.

“Where I’m meant to be… Right. Wherever in the hell that is.”

Silence takes over the office, other than the sound of Doctor Itzkof’s pencil writing on that damned notepad. That leaves me alone with my thoughts.. Not exactly a place I want to be right now, or anytime, really.

“How was the show you went to see?”

She breaks the silence with a change of subject. Thank God..

“We are Relentless was great… Those Carnage people know how to put on one hell of a show. Joe and Maggie both won their matches. I couldn’t have been happier for them.. It’s just…”

She looks up from the notepad and tilts her head.

“Just.. what?”

I sit up and run my hands over my head, letting them drop back down into my lap.

“I don’t know.. I went to see Maggie before her match, you know.. To wish her luck and just like every other time, she’s been cold. Told me that all of this Carnage stuff ‘didn’t concern me’. Which, yeah.. I guess the fuck it doesn’t but I was just there to fucking support her.”

“And Joe..”

“Yeah, and Joe but that ain’t got shit to do with this. I know I hurt her. I know that shit takes time to heal, if it ever does.. I’m trying. Sometimes I swear she’s like a stubborn fucking kid that isn’t capable of forgiveness.”

As soon as I spit those words out, I regretted them. I’m just angry and frustrated. Not at her, I guess, at the situation that I put us both in. It was hard looking into her eyes and seeing that distance. It makes it hard to keep trying when nothing gets better between us.

I guess that’s just something I have to accept though.

Maybe she won’t forgive me for hurting her the way I did.

“You did say that she’s quite young.”

“Yeah, yeah.. I know. I guess that’s just one of the many differences between she and I. I’ve had experience.. I get things that she doesn’t. I’ve always tried to guide her, even though I’m not really the best choice of person to do that.”

She leans forward on the desk, placing her chin on her hands.

“What makes you say that?”

“Look at me! Would you take advice from a fuck up like me?”

I get up off the chair and walk around the office, staring at each of the doctors degrees, trying to quell the tears stinging at the corners of my eyes. I can feel her eyes watching me, directing my attention at anything but her. I hate this. I hate being open about all of this.

Is it really helping? I mean really… If I’m this fucking upset over someone not forgiving me… how far have I truly come in all of this therapy?

“I’m useless. At least to her, I am. I can’t fucking blame her. I just.. I don’t know if I should keep trying.”

Finally I turn around and throw my arms up into the air in defeat.

“I’m tired of it.. I can apologize until my face turns blue and she’d still rebuke my gesture. Because she’s never fucked up.. You know? She’s never done something wrong that she’s had to apologize for. She made it pretty obvious that she doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Did she?”

A sarcastic chuckle comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.

“Of course she did.. Everything she’s done since I told her I tried to kill myself, since I told her what was going on in my head since I was held captive by Gary… It’s all told me that she doesn’t want me around anymore.”

I don’t think I could feel anymore defeated if I tried.

“Maybe…”

Doctor Itzkof says, leaning back in her chair and crossing her legs.

“Maybe she doesn’t know how to handle all of the information you threw her way. That’s a lot to process, especially for someone that loves you as much as you say she does.”

“I don’t know..”

I say quietly, moving back towards the chair and throwing myself down into it.

“Maybe you’re right but I’d hope she’d rather have my honesty.”

“I’m sure she does. Tell me, if she told you that she’d tried.. And almost succeeded in killing herself, how would that make you feel?”

“Like shit. Like I wasn’t th…”

My eyes widen as a light bulb goes on in my head.

“Like I wasn’t there for her when she really needed me… Like I’d made things worse.. Or maybe that I was part of the reason she tried to do that to herself.. Oh Christ…”

I put my face in my hands and shake my head.

“She can’t possibly feel that way… She had nothing to do with it…”

“Not everything makes sense, Lucy.”

 

Date October 10th 2018 / Time 2:30PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Office of Doctor Irene Itzkof, MD – New York City, New York

“I wasn’t expecting you for another week, Lucy. What brings you in here today?”

“I’m fucking angry.”

Yeah, angry. That’s really the best way I can put it after what happened at Synergy on Monday and on Twitter the next day.

“What’s got you upset?”

“Eden.. Fucking.. Morgan.”

Why the hell shouldn’t I be pissed off? Jesus fucking Christ… I don’t even know what the hell happened.

“And who is that?”

I sigh and shake my head.

“A coworker.. I know you don’t really keep up with UGWC or whatever, but on Monday she and I had a match against one another… Well Konrad was there too but neither of us would have known it. Anyway.. After the match she and I were standing in the ring and I said one fucking thing to her and she fucking attacked me.”

“Isn’t that kind of thing… commonplace… in your line of work?”

Way to make me feel like a jackass, doc…

I roll my eyes.

“That’s not the point. Bitch kicks my ass over a simple fucking question. Then tells me that I’ll never be her. Why in the hell would I want to be her anyway?”

“I don’t know.. You tell me.”

I groan and lay back in the chair.

“I wouldn’t.  She’s fucking scum. She’s one of the worst people I’ve ever met and that’s saying something considering some of the people I’ve dealt with over the years… Her partner included.”

“Her partner?”

“Gabriel. She and Gabriel are partners.. Life partners.. Whatever you wanna call it. That’s them.”

Her eyebrows raise in question.

“Gabriel, hmmm.. So she’s… with the man who you were once infatuated with? Interesting.”

“No, not interesting. Bitch thinks I want to be her.. She thinks that everything I accomplish in my own career somehow makes me an Eden Morgan wannabe.. That’s fucking ridiculous. Gabriel has not a God damned thing to do with this. She was the first ever woman world champion. First ever woman grand-slam champion.. She’s done a lot of shit in her career and I respect the fuck out of her for it. Not a lot of women can say they’ve done what Eden Morgan has done.”

“And you?”

“I’m the second ever… woman world champion. But that doesn’t mean that I’m trying to BE her! God damnit it doesn’t! She’s not the only fucking bitch that can climb that ladder.”

I don’t even know why I came here over this. This. What the fuck is wrong with me?

“Obviously not.”

“Yeah. Obviously. Yet here I am being reminded that I’ll never BE her. I’m fucking glad I’m not her. That means I’m not a terrible human being. Good for me. Fuck her, seriously. And now this week I have to fight her partner… It’s almost like they planned this shit show just for me.”

“So you’re fighting Gabriel this week?”

“Yeah, along with a few other people… But whatever. I don’t really care. She’ll be out there, I know she will because one can’t go anywhere without the other. I just find it funny that I’m one of the only other women to have done some of the shit she’s done, and instead of just respecting my accomplishments, somehow she’s fucking jealous or whatever in the hell she is. Women don’t get near enough recognition in this sport.. Yet she’s dogging me for accomplishing something that only she’s done. It’s ridiculous.”

She nods her head and jots a few things down.

“Maybe.. She’s frightened?”

I laugh.

“Yeah, Eden Morgan.. Scared that Lucy Wylde is going to somehow surpass her. Right. That’ll be a cold day in hell, Doc.”

 

Listen.

I’m not really in the fucking mood this week to play any games. As if I haven’t faced you three enough in the last (almost) two years.. Here we are again. On a Synergy, no less.

Guess I should start with the biggest asshole in the bunch, hmm?

Alan. Nice to see you again.

Sorry, Gabriel.. I guess you may have thought I was talking about you there… Sorry to disappoint.

Anyway. This is just what I wanted to be doing after Day of Reckoning and Outlast… be facing you again, Alan.. In a non-title match, nonetheless. I honestly don’t know what the hell else you want me to say to you… You won the world title. You successfully defended said title at Outlast… Congratu-fucking-lations. You beat the rest of us in one match, at one show. Sure, you’re the top guy… for now. You’re the king of the proverbial mountain. You’ve heard each and every one of us telling you what a piece of shit champion you are…

Yet you retained and you proceeded to rub it in all our faces.

I guess you’ve earned that right.

It doesn’t change anything though. You’re still a piece of hot garbage. You’re still a disgrace to that title belt. I know, I know… you don’t really take too much stock in what I have to say. That’s okay. I may not have done as much as you, Alan.. but that doesn’t make me a lesser person or wrestler, regardless of what you may think. At least I don’t need someone else to fight my fights for me… At least the losses I take are my own and I regard them as such.

You’re just a pussy, Alan. Plain and simple. A pussy with a bright red target on his back and when someone finally steps up and takes one or both of those belts off of you… I can’t say that I won’t be happy to watch it happen, even if it’s not me doing the taking.

I used to respect you Alan and I do respect your talent inside the ring, well, when you’re actually there to take the hits and actually prove that you deserve what you’ve got. But as a person? You’re right up there with Eden in that regard. It really is funny that the two of you despise one another as much as you do because I feel like you two would make the perfect pairing…

Oh.. Hi Gabriel…

See that segway? Nice.. Right?

What the hell can I possibly say to you that I haven’t already said?

How are you doing? You feeling better after that little… thing that happened to you? You feeling back to your ‘old self’? I hope so, because beating your ass again won’t be much fun if you’re not.

Seriously, though… You and I have been through our fair share of shit together. And if it’s been said once, it’s been said a million fucking times… I fucked up. Surprise, right? Lucy Wylde actually fucks things up… and she apologizes for them.

But unlike you, Gabriel, I actually mean it when I apologize.

I don’t use apologies to meet an end. I use them for their intended purpose, and Gabriel? I am sorry for what happened to our friendship. I am sorry that I fucked up and for some reason found myself enamored with you. See? I admit it. I cared about you. I gave much more of a fuck about you than I did just about anyone else in that locker room.

Did I feel like I abandoned you when you chose the court over.. ‘Me’? No. Do I realize that I’m actually saying that I thought it was truly a choice that you had to make? Yep. Do I actually think I was in any form a choice for you? Hell no. I know I wasn’t. You’d already made your choice, Gabriel and maybe.. Just maybe I shouldn’t have judged you for your choices.

I went with the herd on that one, and I was wrong.

I made my choice too, and well, both of our choices has led us to where we’re at now. You’re obviously much happier now than you could have ever been in a partnership with me. That’s good. At least you have someone that you can be a horrible person with and the best part? She’s just as shitty as you are… That is why it’s just the two of you now, isn’t it?

Right Jet?

God damn, I’m two for two on segways tonight.. Good for me.

Jet.. The least shitty of the shitty. Nice to be facing you once again. No, really. I mean that.

It took a lot of balls to do what you did, considering how close you and Eden used to be. I respect that. You’re a semi-decent person among a whole plethora of amazingly shitty people, Jet. The fact that you said ‘fuck the Court’ when everyone and their brother saw you as Eden’s bag boy for the longest time… the fact that you stood up and told them that you wouldn’t be a part of their bullshit anymore, that’s not something that should be ignored.

There’s a lot more to you than meets the eye, Jet. I’m sorry I didn’t notice it sooner. Again, I’m sorry I went with the herd mentality when it came to you. I was horribly wrong.

I should be thanking you.

You helped me in my time of need. Little did I know that you’d stood up and said ‘fuck the Court’ long before you’d said it outloud. Helping Maggie that day… Getting her to a doctor when Gabriel had left her for God knows what… Thank you. Thank you for being the one right among so many wrongs.

I don’t think you and I will ever truly be on the same page, not after all the shit we’ve spewed at one another over the last couple of years but I do appreciate you and what you bring to this company.. I appreciate the fact that you’re level headed and you fucking get it. Hell, I don’t even get it most of the time.. But you do.

You and I do have one thing in common though..

We both do the right thing, regardless of what consequences it brings.

I know that’s not really much and I know it’ll more than likely bring a lot of hate and criticism from our lovely group of coworkers but it is what it is. You’re a better man than a lot of them can say they are.

Namely our two opponents.

But I guess this is where I tell you all that I’m fitting to win against the three of you on Monday, but the truth is.. I don’t really care. If I walk out victorious, fine… If I don’t… fine. I’m just there to do my job…

I’m just there to fight.