Someone falls to pieces
Sleeping all alone
Someone kills the pain
Spinning in the silence
She finally drifts away

Someone gets excited
In a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet
Another lays a dozen
White roses on a grave

And to be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do

Someone finds salvation in everyone
Another only pain
Someone tries to hide himself
Down inside himself he prays

Someone swears his true love
Until the end of time
Another runs away
Separate or united?
Healthy or insane?

Date January 16th 2020 / Time 1:41PM / Status Not Recording
Location Undisclosed Location

A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind since I received that message yesterday. Like, why now? It’s been almost a month. It’s been almost a month since Ultimate Carnage… Why does he wanna see me now?

He didn’t want to see me for months..

How can I just overlook that?

Yet here I am at the address that his ‘manager’ gave me. And better yet, when the hell did he get a manager? Christ… It’s like I don’t even know him anymore. Who is he?

I reread the messages once more before shaking my head and putting the phone away. Reading it over and over isn’t going to give me any new information… But going in there… Seeing him.. Maybe that will.

That’s what I’m here for after all, right?

…

Yet I can’t quite bring myself to step away from my car and head towards the door. I just keep replaying the last few months in my head. I can’t stop thinking about how alone I felt, laying in that hospital after Season of the Witch. How alone I felt since all of this shit even started.. It fucks with me.

It fucks with me hard.

He wasn’t around. He was off God knows where, doing God knows what.. And everytime I needed him, he wasn’t there. So why am I here now? Out of some sick sense of loyalty? I don’t fucking know anymore. There’s a small part of me that wants to be petty.. That wants to get right back in my car and leave. That’ll teach him… That’ll show him exactly how I felt for the last… However long it’s been.

It’s so easy. Just turn my back on him… on us. Leave it in the dust. I said I was okay being alone if that’s what doing what I did at Ultimate Carnage meant… So why not just start over? I’ve done it before. I can do it again.

I turn back towards the car and stop. I can’t do that. I can’t do that to him… That’s not who I am. No matter how hard it was, no matter how I felt… I know who he was over these last months.. It wasn’t him. I’ve said it countless times.. So why am I doubting that now?

I sigh and turn back towards the door of the building.

He needs me. He wants to see me. That’s why I’m here. Because I won’t do that to him. I won’t make him feel the same way I felt.

I won’t tell him how devastating it was to wake up day after day in that hospital alone.. Asking the nurses time after time if he showed up, knowing the answer before they ever opened their mouths. I won’t tell him how I stumbled backstage after Wargames, after shaking Jacks and Ambers hands… Not seeing him there… Nodding my head at those who reassured me, and told me that I did the right thing… Finding a dark corner and crying my eyes out, feeling my heart breaking in my chest as I realized that I’d probably just lost the most important person in my life.

I won’t tell him that since that moment, I spent so much of my time second guessing my decisions.. Coming to the conclusion that if he wanted nothing more to do with me, that I could live with that… As long as he continued to live, as long as he got the help he so desperately needed…

But if his ‘manager’ is to be believed… He did get help and he’s right inside those doors… Waiting for me. He did it… Without me.

All I gotta do is step through those doors and I can see it for myself. I can talk to him, really talk to him for the first time in months.

I’ve missed him.

Jesus, I’ve missed him so much. My heart hurts just thinking about it.

One foot in front of the other.

One step at a time.

I haven’t come this far just to turn away now. I haven’t fought this God damned hard just to give up. Quell the butterflies, quiet my mind and just fucking go. And who knows, maybe… Just maybe he missed me too.

…

…

…

…

…

Knock, Knock

“It’s open.”

Hearing his voice gives me chills. I reach down and grab the doorknob… and then it hits me… What if he doesn’t want to see me just to see me… What if he wants to tell me that he doesn’t want anything more to do with me?

Would it really be a shock? Come on… After all these months of wondering and being by myself… Feeling like he didn’t want anything to do with me anyway… I couldn’t be shocked if that’s what he wanted to see me for. Wouldn’t make it any easier to hear… But that is what it is.

I swallow hard, shaking my head. Even if that’s what he wants – It doesn’t change a damn thing, so I open the door quietly, hesitating before I step into the room, my stomach doing flips and turns and everything else it could possibly do before I glance up to see him sitting by the window – staring at the doorway.

“Luce..”

“Hey… Joe.”

I reply, closing the door behind me – trying not to look, or sound too awkward.. But it’s hard. The only times he and I have spoken over all this time… Things weren’t so calm.

It’s weird. Being here right now. Being somewhere I had almost convinced myself that I’d never be, because he was too damn stubborn to get help.. Too damn seduced by that ‘Dark Passenger’ to do anything about it.. But here he is…

“You look..”

I start, realizing that I’d not really taken a good look at him since I came into the room. Moving forward, my eyes take in the sight of him. He looks relaxed, calm… Much different than he was the last time I saw him…

“Y-You look good.”

I manage to stammer out, pressing myself back against the door. He shrugs his shoulders and turns his attention out the window. Finally, I bring myself to a chair near him and sit down, my eyes never leaving him – watching him, trying to figure out what he’s thinking.. What he’s feeling.

I used to be so good at reading him…

Suddenly I feel like I shouldn’t have come. I let out a sigh, running my hands along my thighs.

“Listen, if you want me to go.. Maybe I picked a bad time to com–”

“I’m sorry, Luce.”

My eyes widen as he turns back towards me, his eyes filled with what I can only imagine is a mixture of sadness and regret. It breaks my heart.

“For everything. I let things go too far.”

He pauses and a stagnant tension fills the air. I just nod my head and glance away, looking around the room. I honestly don’t know what he wants me to say. Things went way too far, that’s true. And while I’m upset and frustrated at everything that happened over the last few months, I’m more upset about spending all of that time alone.

I’m like a broken record, but that’s all I can think about when I look at him. How alone I felt. How much I missed him. How much I needed him.

Finally, I bring my eyes back to meet his, shrugging my shoulders.

“Yeah.. Things did go too far.”

“Yeah.”

He replies quietly, motioning around the room.

“But I’m here… I’m getting help.”

I lean forward in the chair, nodding.

“I’m glad, Joe.. I really am.”

I say, forcing a smile onto my lips. It’s not that I’m unhappy at all, I’m so proud that he’s here and that he sought out the help I so desperately wanted him to get. I just feel… Sad. I don’t know. It’s a lot to deal with.

“But…”

He says, raising his eyebrows at me.

“But what?”

“There’s something else.. Something you’re not saying.”

I sigh and sit back in the chair, crossing my legs. There are a lot of things I’m not saying. Things I don’t want to say. Things I’m scared to say because I don’t want to push him away. Things that I fear will drive him away from this help… From me… again.

“Luce..”

“I… It’s just… I missed you.”

He looks away, then gets up from the chair and starts pacing around the room. It’s just what he does, especially when he’s got a lot on his mind. Normally I wouldn’t mind it too much, but now it just makes me nervous.

“It’s.. It’s been months since we’ve been in the same room together, at least without yelling at each other.”

“You deserve better than that.”

I shake my head.

“Who gives a shit what I ‘deserve’ Joe?”

“I do.”

I open my mouth to say something but I stop myself.

Do you really? Do you REALLY?

I can’t say that to him.. I just can’t. Not now. Not when he’s doing his best to recover, not when he’s trying so hard. I can’t just rip him to shreds like that. I’m upset, yes.. But I also know that mental illness is extremely hard to deal with, hard to combat and even harder to contain.

He’s a good man who got lost.

He’s a good man who’s trying to find his way again.

I won’t put up a roadblock on his progress. Even if that means keeping all of this to myself.

I nod my head, blinking my eyes – trying to stop the stinging in the corners.

“I know you do.”

I see him turn around in my peripheral vision, but I keep my eyes glued to the window, my vision getting blurry with tears.

“I know you do.”

“You’re crying.”

I shake my head and wipe my face off quickly.

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Joe.. I’m fine.”

I bring myself back up to my feet and face him.

“I’m not here to talk about me.. How are you doing?”

He doesn’t seem thrilled at my change in subject, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He just sighs and runs his hands along the top of his head.

“I’m okay. My head is a lot clearer now. Back on my meds, going to therapy… you know.”

I nod.

“Yeah, I know but I don’t mind hearing about it.”

Part of me feels like I should apologize to him for what I did at Ultimate Carnage. I don’t know why.. I just never wanted to have to lay a hand on him.. I never wanted to force my hand, but I did what I had to.. After what happened to GI… I couldn’t stop that, and I knew I had to do something the next chance I got.

“There’s not much to tell, Luce..”

Another pregnant pause follows as we both stand there, looking at each other and around the room. Finally, I step forward and speak up.

“Ultimate Carnage… I just wanted to tell you how–”

He puts his hand up, stopping me.

“Don’t. You doing that is what got me here. I know.. We’ve got a lot of shit to figure out Luce.. I’m sorry for putting you in that position in the first place but if you need to say anything to me, anything… d–”

There’s so much…

So much I need to say to him.

But not now.

I move forward, reaching up and touching his face – feeling the sandpaper grittiness of his five-o’clock shadow beneath my fingertips.

“Can we talk about it later? We’ve got time…”

I bring my hand away from his face and wrap my arms around him, hugging him tight.

“I just need this right now, Joe… I’ve missed you.”

This time I can’t quell the tears as I feel his arms slide behind my back and tighten around me. I lay my head on his chest, listening to the pitter-patter of his heart and the soft humming of his breathing.

He leans down and kisses the top of my head.

“I missed you too.”

God that feels good to hear.

We got some shit to work out, there’s no doubt but… I don’t know. We’re here. We’re together and for now, the rest of that can wait. For the first time in months… I feel good.

I feel like things are actually going to be okay.

…

What a relief.

 

I’d say it’s nice to finally be back on the card, but when I look at it I really do think that someone has it out for me.

Say it isn’t so, Jason.

Once upon a time, I thought I lived in a world where wrestling promoters simply tried to create the best matches possible for the audiences enjoyment and to push their wrestlers to improve and test their limits.

One could argue that that’s what’s happening here… But I think we all know that in this particular case… especially when Jason Bridges is involved… That’s just not true. But hey, you take the hands your dealt, and do the best you can with them, right?

I mean I survived Wargames until the final two, so I mustn’t be too bad at this whole Ultraviolent thing.

Then again, maybe Wargames isn’t a good gauge of my abilities.

Truth is, Mia… I’m not an ‘Ultraviolent’ wrestler. It’s not something I’ve ever really enjoyed. But if you’ve seen my work, I guess you’d of already picked up on that by now. And I’m sure you’re foaming at the mouth… figuratively, I hope.

I might not be as Ultraviolent as say, Trent Steel or… Tweeder? I don’t know… But what I’m trying to say is while my first instinct isn’t to pick up a weapon and step outside of the ring to brawl… I think I can hold my own with the best of them when I’m in those situations.

But the question remains, Mia… Are you one of the best?

I’m not saying that as an insult, but as an honest question. One I’m assuming you’d answer an emphatic ‘yes’ to. Of course you would..

Ego is a real bitch, ain’t it?

Which, I suppose brings me to the kind of bitch you’ve been lately. What gives? I mean I’ve always kinda thought you were a bitch, but I also thought you were better than some of the shit I’ve seen you doing lately. Of course, you are the very same bitch I witnessed beat the absolute piss out of Ataxia and jump into the same Battle Royal Joe and I entered into and win the God damned thing so..

You’re a badass. Got it.

But you’re also something else… Something I’ve not quite placed my finger on yet.

I don’t really know how you feel about me, and frankly, I don’t know how to feel about you either. I don’t think it’s good either way, though. I’ve seen what you’re capable of. Maybe I’ve not seen the full extent of it… But I think I’ve seen enough to know that you’ve got less than stellar intentions for me on Monday.

That’s fine.

I’ve come to expect it around here.

But hey, that’s the name of the game, isn’t it? Hurt the other person before they can hurt you. I can respect that.

I’m just not sure I can respect you.

No offense, I just hold myself to a higher standard than it looks like you hold yourself to. But to each their own, right?

I know standards aren’t gonna mean a damn thing come Monday. You’re gonna try and hurt me, so I’m just gonna have to hurt you back. I’m just gonna have to do my damndest to get you down and get the fuck out of there because I’m not stupid, Mia. I know I’ve got a bullseye right here on my neck. I know that if given the chance, you’re going to exploit that and I can’t let you do that.

Not only because you could end my career if you do, but you could end my fucking life.

And I’m not ready to give up either of those just yet.

You might not have much to live for, I don’t know you, I don’t claim to know you.. But eventually you’re going to make the wrong enemy and you’re not gonna be able to cheat your way out of the ass-beating you’re going to recieve.

All I know is that personally, I’ve got a lot to be around for and I’m not about to let someone like you take that away from me. I’ve made that mistake once and it almost landed me in a pine box.

So give me your best, Mia. Please. Give me the pleasure of throwing it back in your face and showing you that you’re not as good as you think you are.

I’m not perfect, but unlike you… I’m not afraid to show the world who I really am. Hell even before you put on the ridiculous mask and changed your name… Did anyone really know the real you?

Well, they know me.

I’m THE Lucy Wylde, there ain’t another like me – and who you’re about to see across from you in the ring.. That’s who the fuck I am and that’s who I’m always going to be. So good luck, good luck with everything, Mia… but most of all, good luck trying to keep me down.

And good luck, having to look yourself in the mirror after every horrible thing you do from this point on… don’t get too nauseous when you do.

Regardless of what happens on Monday, I can’t say that I’ll have that same problem.

I’ll see you Monday, Sweetheart… What is it that you say again to end these things?

‘Semi-Colon, right Parenthesis’?

Whatever.

I’ll just do it my way.

Wink, wink bitch. See you soon.

OOC: JC used with permission.