Date December 15th 2019 / TimeUnknown / Status Not Recording
Location Ultimate Carnage 5 – The United Center – Chicago Illinois

Everything about tonight felt wrong. As I sit back here – Post elimination, nursing a headache and a few mangled knuckles; watching the rest of the match… Something still feels off.

Tonight shouldn’t have ever happened.

None of us should’ve ever been put into that position. There’s a reason I’ve not been around since after Season of the Witch. Jack knew it, everyone knew it. It’s kind of hard to nearly kill someone and come back like nothing ever happened. I didn’t want to be here tonight.

I made it clear, I guess not clear enough though.

I came backstage a little while ago to people telling me that I looked just like my old self out there, ramming my fist into JC’s face over and over, not giving a shit that I was plunging my fists into the barbed wire that I wrapped around his face. What they don’t know though?

The old me wouldn’t have given a shit… But that fucking hurt.

I glance down at my hand, squeezing it shut and stretching it out – letting the pain have its day. There’s something to be said about physical pain though… It clears the mind. It makes you really consider what you’re doing and if you want to continue doing it. And tonight? I realized that I don’t know how much longer I want to be doing this…

Especially after what I did to my own sister.

How does one come back from something like that? Sure I’ve started living my life again, I’ve spent less and less time by myself in dark rooms, crying and beating myself up about that night. That doesn’t mean that I’m just suddenly back to being the ‘me’ that everyone has known for so long.

I don’t think she exists anymore.

I tried to bring her back tonight, if only to give the fans a good showing. Should I have wanted to kick JC’s ass? Hell yeah, look at the shit he’s done. Should I have wanted to fight… and bleed like I always have?

But I didn’t fucking want to.

I tried.

At least I can look at my teammates in the eyes after this… Tell them that I truly did try, even if it was abysmal. My heart just wasn’t there… And it was even less so when Lucy….

…Put herself between me and JC.

Kept him from bashing my skull in with that bat.  And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why in the fuck she did that. After what I did to her? And when she turned around, I could see the scar, even if just for a split second… the scar from the surgery she had because of me. It made me want to push her out of the way and let JC bust my skull open with that bat…

I deserve as much.

Hell I deserve so much more than that.

My eyes scan over the TV, watching the rest of the match – and suddenly, Amber spits a black mist into JC’s eyes and… Lucy… She fucking speared him.

“Holy shit…”

I mutter, leaning closer to the TV as Lucy motions to Amber to pin JC.

One!

Two!

Three!

”JC has been ELIMINATED!!!”

Lucy wasn’t kidding when she said she was only there to keep him from doing stupid shit that he’d regret. And now he’s done… He’s out and it’s just down to Amber and Lucy.

Wait a minute..

She’s offering to lay down for Amber?

“Amber ain’t gonna go for that…”

A few seconds pass and Amber does exactly what I knew she’d do… She shakes her head and tells Lucy she wants to do this the right way… Or something like that. I can’t read lips that well.

I’m interested in this.. But not because I want Paragon to win. I think that’s a forgone conclusion at this point. I’m interested in this because for years… I’ve seen my sister as a faker, as someone who pretended to be something I thought she wasn’t… Because I didn’t know her side of what happened when we were kids. But here she is, no matter what I did, no matter what her so-called boyfriend does… She’s still out here trying to do the right thing…

She’s a lot better person than I am, that’s for damn sure.

One!

Two!!

Three!

And there you have it.

Paragon wins.

I reach up and switch the monitor off, sitting back in my chair for a few moments… Taking these last few minutes of peace before Jack and everyone else end up in here, celebrating… Celebrating God knows what.

Sure we won, but what did we really accomplish?

Maybe I should go find Lucy.. Maybe I should extend that olive branch that we both so desperately need… Talk to her. Apologize to her… Try to mend this rift between the two of us. Do something, anything besides sit here and wallow in my own self pity, wondering if I even have what it takes anymore… When she’s probably out there, beat to hell and alone… She doesn’t deserve to be alone.

Not now.

Not ever, really.

I bring myself up off the chair and quietly slip out the door, listening to Amber’s music still playing out in the arena. I catch a glimpse of another monitor and I see a replay of what just happened a few seconds ago… Lucy shaking hands with both Jack and Amber, showing respect in the face of such a disrespectful couple of months…

And I stop myself.

She looks like she’s fine with what happened, maybe even a little happy that she accomplished what she wanted to tonight. Maybe I don’t know her as well as I think…

I look up and there she is, walking down the hall – away from me, and she doesn’t look anything like she did just a little while ago out there in front of the world. Her shoulders are slumped, her head is down and she only raises it when someone says something to her and I see her lips move in response as she keeps moving.

I follow her, slowly… Still trying to figure out what I’m even going to say… But then she stops and looks around – and I hide around the corner so that she can’t see me. What in the hell is she looking for?

There’s no one around…

So I peek out from around the corner to see her… slumped over an equipment box in a dark corner of the backstage, her face in her hands. I can’t help but feel like I’m imposing on a very private moment. She obviously didn’t want to be seen by anyone… But I’m frozen in place… and my heart aches as I watch months of sadness and frustration pour from her eyes as her body trembles with despair… Knowing that I’m the reason why she’s so broken…

Eventually, she lets herself lean against the wall, sliding down to the ground behind the equipment box where I can’t see her anymore. But I can still hear the soft cries, the cries of someone who doesn’t want the world to know how sad, how disappointed… How alone she feels.

I take a few steps back, trying to keep my own eyes dry as I turn away, and head back to my locker room…

Now’s not the right time.

…I think.

 

Date January 20th 2020 / Time5:45PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Carnage Arena – Baltimore, Maryland

Being here in the arena used to bring me joy. The excitement I had coming here was something I was convinced I would always have.

Until now.

Sitting here in the locker room with Jack, waiting for the show to start – I just feel like I don’t belong here anymore. When I owned Carnage, well.. I owned it and of course I felt like I belonged. Without me, Carnage wouldn’t have been. And when Bridges forced me back into the fold after he took over… I may have hated him for it, but deep down I was grateful to be back inside the ring, fighting.

That’s all I ever wanted to do.

I felt like that was all I was ever really meant to do.

Until now.

“You okay, babydoll?”

I turn towards Jack and nod.

“I’m good.”

“You look a little–”

I lay my hand on his and glance up into his eyes.

“I’m fine.”

He opens his mouth again to respond but I’m guessing the look in my eyes tells him otherwise, and he closes his mouth and goes back to reading the magazine in his hands. After a little while, I turn my attention back down to my lap, and my own hands.

I’m fine.

…I’m fine.

I close my eyes and sigh.

I’m not fucking fine. Not at all.

Sure, life is pretty good. I have Jack, I have Adina… I have Paragon… But the thought gnaws at me, in the back of my mind… I have all of this, but I almost killed my own sister. How does one come back from something like that? How can someone redeem themselves from something so horrible?

On the outside, I’m okay.. At least I make it look that way for Jack’s sake, for everyone elses sake. I fought in Wargames because he wanted.. he needed me to. I fought for Amber, Eli and everyone else… But did I believe in what we were fighting for?

No… I didn’t.

Nearly killing someone will do that.

And it killed my will to get in the ring and do what I thought I loved.

Tonight I have to climb in the ring with Mac Bane of all people… I have to put on a show, I gotta to be what everyone has known me to be.. Do the things that they expect me to do… Be the monster that–

“Kyra?”

I put my hand to my chest as all the air leaves my lungs, my chest tightening. Jack drops the magazine to the ground and turns, putting his hand on my back.

“Kyra, what’s wrong?”

I can’t answer him… I can’t breathe.

I’m a monster..

“I…”

“What babydoll? What?”

I manage a small breath as I pull away from him and stand up.

“I… I just need…”

He gets up and follows me towards the door, the concern obvious in his wavering voice as it echoed around the room behind me.

“What do you need?”

He replies desperately as I pull the door open.

“Some.. air. I’ll… be back.”

I manage to say as I step out of the locker room and make my way towards the exit. I gotta get out of here. I can’t do this…

What the fuck was I thinking?

I push the door open and step outside into the frigid air, a shiver going down my spine as the goosebumps pop up on my arms almost instantaneously. I let the door slam behind me, taking a few steps to the side of the building before sitting down on the even colder asphalt.

I put my head in my hands, letting the cold air enter my lungs… trying desperately not to cry.

I’m better than this.

I’m better than this.

I’m–

“You look how I feel”

I glance up to see Amber leaning against the wall on the other side of the door, holding a flask in her hands. She puts the mouth of the flask to her lips, taking a quick drink from it. She smiles half-heartedly and moves towards me, extending her arm, and the flask to me.

I sigh and grab it, taking a sip.

Christ I needed that.

I have no idea how she really feels; but I can’t believe it’s anything good.

I swallow, basking in the burn as the liquor slides down my throat and hand the flask back to her.

“Yeah, no kidding…”

She chuckles.

“I’d say ‘penny for your thoughts‘ but I think there’s more to it than that… and don’t tell me it’s fine, cause I’ve been saying that so goddamn frequently at the moment even I’m starting to believe it.”

I sigh, leaning my head back against the wall. It’s like she can read my mind or something, I swear.

“Yeah, I used all of those ‘I’m fine’s’ on Jack earlier.”

I roll my eyes, putting a hand to my forehead.

“I just don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. After what I did to Lucy… After Wargames…”

I stop for a moment, trying to make sense of everything I’m thinking… and feeling – Not really coming to any true conclusion right away.

“I don’t know…”

Amber’s sighs herself, moving to lean against the wall beside me.

“Yeah Wargames… that was definitely something. We all did things, didn’t do things… could have, should have, would have…”

Muffling a cough with her sleeve, Amber pauses.

“We all fucked up.”

No shit…

“After what I did… She could have let Joe bash my skull in and no one would have blamed her. Fuck, I almost wanted him to do it..”

Thinking back, I remember looking up into his crazed eyes… Remembering the moment that I realized that I could either try to get out of the way or I could just accept it. The moment I realized I deserved it.

A shrug follows from the redhead.

“Lucy and I tried to kill each other the week before- hell I came within moments of decapitating her and look what she did during the Wargames match when it became two Vs one… We all do things we don’t understand darl, I wouldn’t dwell on questioning it cause it’ll only make you feel worse.”

I nod my head. It’s too late for that though, I already feel like shit. Felt like shit for months now.

“You’re right.. I’m just having a hard time dealing with all… this right now. I didn’t want to be in Wargames and I sure as hell don’t want to fight Mac tonight. That match with her.. Seeing what I’m truly capable of first hand – I don’t know that I want to do it anymore.”

“… Then don’t. Before you make a decision like that though, you have to know it’s what you want. Not just now, but long term. Can you walk away now and know that it feels right?  I don’t mean to assume but I don’t think you can…”

I sigh, rubbing the bridge of my nose between my fingers.

“And that’s why I’m here… I guess. Wanted to do this for as long as I can remember… Wanted to hurt people, wanted to feel some kind of control over my life.. But as much as I loved it, I don’t want Adina seeing her mother as this monster.”

Amber turns towards me, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You’re a lot of things Kyra… but you ain’t no monster. Stoop to my level, do some of the shit I’ve done and then maybe we can have that conversation- sure, it may feel wrong, and disgusting and generally just… ugh.  You did it for family, for yourself, for those you care about- if you were a real monster, none of that would have ever factored..”

I rake my hands through my hair, trying to take her words and accept them. I’ve spent so damn long feeling like a monster, feeling like I’m not a good mother, sister, fiance… It’s hard to think of myself any other way.

No matter how badly I don’t want to be that anymore.

“I guess so.”

Silence settles in for a few moments, before I finally glance up at her, shrugging my shoulders.

“You know.. After Wargames… I went out to find Lucy, I don’t know what I was thinking.. But I wanted to talk to her… She looked like she was okay with what happened, you know? Like she knew that what she did was right… But I followed her, and she cried. She broke down and cried.. It broke my heart.”

It’s hard to fathom someone like my sister. Someone who does the shit she does, and somehow keeps herself from falling apart until she’s by herself. There’s a reason, I suppose… why I looked up to her so much when we were younger.

I guess I lost sight of that a long time ago.

“What’s ‘right‘ is subjective. What’s right isn’t always what feels best either. She broke down the same way that you seem to be right now- holding it together long enough that the cracks look like they’ve always been there.”

Amber pauses momentarily, fiddling with the lid on the flask.

“Talk to her Kyra, cause I think she probably wants to talk to you as well.”

Talk to her? Christ… I can feel the corners of my eyes stinging with tears, my mind racing a million miles a second – How could she want to talk to me? How could she put all of this behind us?

“You think so?”

I say in a whisper, feeling my throat tighten around every word. I feel like a child, asking her mother if she can do the thing she’s wanted to do for so long… But Amber just shrugs her shoulders.

“Only one way to find out.”

I look down at my hands and nod again.

“Yeah.”

And that’s the hardest part. Finding out.

The wind picks up, and I feel the cold for the first time since first stepping outside. Sitting on the ground with no jacket probably wasn’t the best of ideas. I get up off the ground, my teeth chattering.

“Fuck it’s cold out here.”

Amber offers up the flask in response once more, raised eyebrow and a half smile included for free. She should really smile more. Then again, I don’t think that’s really her style.

“One for the road?”

I take it without question, smirking.

“Fuck yes… Please.”

I take another sip and hand it back, grateful for whatever warmth I can find at the moment.

“Thank you.. But if Jack asks… I’m fine.”

I reply, trying to sound playful.  I know Jack knows all of this still bothers me, how could he not? But I just can’t… I don’t want to talk about it. Not to him, not now, at least.

“… Aren’t we all?”

Amber returns with a smirk of her own, hers not even trying to sound playful. She isn’t wrong though..

Shaking the flask gently, the sound of liquid sploshing breaks the silence between us.

“Also, you didn’t get this from me. I’m still sober apparently and I’d like to keep it that way.”

She winks before she empties the flask and tucks it away in the pocket of her jacket.

“My lips are sealed.”

I reply with a nod. We’ve all got things we’d rather keep to ourselves… No matter how much we know that others just want to help us, make us better… Sometimes that shit just doesn’t work.

I let that linger as I turn back towards the building, sighing.

“Now I guess we should go figure out how we’re going to win tonight…”

“Heh, just go out there and do what we always do. I’ll be back inside in a little while, I might just chill out here a little longer… if Jack asks just tell him I’ve taken up a massive crack habit and I’m selling my tag belt on the black market.”

Letting out a chuckle, I grab the door handle. I can imagine Jack’s face now when I inevitably tell him what she just said.

“If you need some extra dough, I can grab Jack’s World Title for ya.”

Amber forces another chuckle.

“If I have my way he won’t have to worry bout that world title much longer.”

My eyes widen, but I smile.

“Shit, get it girl.”

I reach out and touch her arm.

“Thank you again.. See you inside.”

I turn and leave her outside, heading back into the building.

There’s still a lot of turmoil inside this skull of mine, but Amber somehow puts things to me in a way that I could never put it to myself… and it helps. Doesn’t change the feeling of dread I still feel heading into this match tonight, doesn’t change the fear of reaching out to Lucy.. But it almost makes it manageable.  Almost makes me feel like I can actually do it.

Maybe someday she’ll let me return the favor.

 

Mac.

Part of me wants to apologize to you. And I know part of you is wondering, ‘why?’

Because if I’m being brutally honest here, I don’t want to do this tonight. I don’t wanna step into the ring with you, but don’t take that as a slight on you. You’re a helluva fighter, and I respect the fuck out of what you can do out there. It’s just… I wish you were facing the Kyra that I used to be. I wish you were set to fight the woman I was before…

Well, you know.

But don’t think that’s going to stop me from coming out there tonight and putting one hundred percent into this fight. You deserve as much and that’s what I plan on giving you.

I know you’re wondering if I’m trying to bait you in, trying to make you believe that I don’t want to hurt you out there, only for me to flip a switch and try to do to you what I did to… Well, you know.

But hey, you think whatever you want about me.

That’s fine. I get it.

I’ve not done much lately to make anyone believe that I’m not this monster that I see in the mirror each and every day. But I don’t wanna be that anymore. I don’t want to hurt you Mac. I’m just scared that I might do it anyway.

Have you ever felt that way?

Have you ever wondered if you were worthy of the family and the friends that you have because of what you are when you’re inside that ring? Or are you sure of what you are, sure that no matter what you do… You can handle the repercussions of the things the people you love are sure to see you do? Have you ever made someone bleed, put someone into the hospital or nearly ended their career… or even their life and thought… what if my family sees this? What if they think differently of me when I come home?

If you haven’t, then you’re a better man than I, Mac.

I can barely go home everyday and look my toddler in the face, knowing that one day she’s going to be able to watch Season of the Witch and see what her own mother is capable of. I’m so fucking scared of that inevitable look of disgust in her eyes, and I’m even more scared of the fact that nothing I do from this point on will ever change what I did.

But you’re not worried about that, huh?

You’re worried about tonight.

Can’t blame you. My life and my issues mean jack shit to you, as it should be. You’re here to win. You’re here to prove yourself in a promotion full of people trying to do the same exact fucking thing. Trying to set yourself apart in a mob of assholes who want the same exact thing you do. You do you, Mac.

I’ll be there.

But while you’re trying to show the world that you’re the better fighter… I’ll be there to show myself and those that I love that I’m capable of being a better person.

Who knows if that’s truly possible, but I suppose we’ll find out in a little while, Hmm?

 

OOC: Word Count: 3990.  Jack/Amber used with permission!