It’s been said that you only fall in love with a total of three people in your lifetime. Each one for a specific reason. I used to think it was a load of horseshit, myself. But now, being older, hopefully wiser… I’m seeing that statement being true. At least for my own life. How it relates to you, if at all isn’t for me to decide.

The first one, it happened when I was young – when I was just starting out in the wrestling industry. CJ Wylde. I thought he and I were it. I thought he and I had that fairy-tale kind of love, like nothing could ever go wrong. When I was with him, I was convinced that he was the only man I’d ever love and that we’d be happy forever. It was a love that, looking back now, appealed to what society deemed it should be, in other words, it was a love that looked right… maybe it didn’t feel right, but I sure as hell wanted it to.

Even when things started going wrong.

I swallowed my own truths, I kept quiet when things started falling apart because I thought that what he and I had was what it was supposed to be. I never realized it could be more than what it was…. if I weren’t with him.

I learned that when he pretended to be cheating on me just to get me to leave him so that he could die by himself. Right then and there, I realized there was more to what love could be.. But I went back anyway. I pushed that realization to the side in favor of blinding myself by a love that was never meant to last.

And it didn’t.

The second one, that’s the one that taught me the biggest lesson of all. It taught me who I was. Being with Maggie taught me who I was and what I really and truly wanted. Loving her hurt the both of us. Loving her became a cycle of happiness and anger and while at first I thought I was making different choices than I did with CJ… Now I realize that I was making some of the same choices because I still had lessons to learn.

The cycle continued and slowly, surely she and I begun to fall apart too.

I’m sure that had something to do with my getting kidnapped and subsequently trying to kill myself. I take full responsibility for that.

But I was committed to her. I was committed to the roller coaster she and I had with our love… From extreme highs, to the lowest of lows.. I became addicted to the drama that came along with loving someone like Maggie. It’s not her fault. She’s young. She’s got a lot of lessons to learn herself, none of which I can teach her.. none of which I can negate for her. No matter how much I wanted to.

Loving her made me realize that I can’t help everyone. It made me realize that I wanted a love that saw me as an equal.. not as a queen on a throne, or a hero. Believe me, I’m neither of those. Loving Maggie helped me learn that sometimes things just don’t work and that’s okay… I just wish she saw it the same way.

Which brings me to number three… the one that came out of no where. The one I never saw coming. The one that… for all intents and purposes should have been so, so wrong yet ended up being so easy and so right that it’s honestly astounding. JC and I, we started out as bitter enemies.. we started out on separate sides of a seemingly unbreachable fence.. until one day he and I realized that we had more in common than we ever thought possible. A connection that started there and it only grew.

That man was there for me in my lowest moments, and he never once saw me as the broken pile of trash that I saw in myself.

I never planned to fall for him. I never thought he and I worked… Maybe as friends. But more than that? Never.

Boy, was I wrong.

Joe accepted me, faults and all and I accepted him exactly as he was. It just happened. It just worked and to this day, I still don’t understand it but what he and I have just feels right. No forcing something that isn’t right, no hurt.. Just all my lessons and realizations wrapped up into one person.. The person I know deep down I’m going to love for the rest of my life. The love that shows me why it never worked out before and the one that makes me glad I didn’t give up because there’s still so much good to be had in my life.

 

Date May 12th 2019 / Time 1:49PM / Status Not Recording
Location Patuxent Institution Correctional Mental Health Facility – Jessup, Maryland

Things are good.

Great, actually. How could I possibly complain? I’m in a real good place right now and I can easily say that for the first time in a long, long time… I’m happy.

I spent so much of my adult life searching and grasping at whatever straws I could get, trying to find the love I was denied as a child.. trying to find somewhere to belong and trying to find someone willing to accept me, brokenness and all.

Thought I’d found it twice. I was wrong.

Turns out what I’d been searching for had been nearly kicking my head off for years before I realized it. All it took was being kidnapped and nearly killing myself for me to truly realize that he what what I’ve always been searching for… what I’ve always needed.

Of course, I wish he were here now instead of with his soon-to-be ex wife and their daughter. Of course, I’d never ask him to put me over them, I know better. He loves that little girl more than anything.. A feeling that has always eluded me.

I don’t think I’ll ever know that feeling… The prospect of it scares the absolute shit out of me… knowing what I came from.. who my parents were.

“Hello, what can I do for you?”

The woman behind the desk asks, her eyes looking me over with a combination of suspicion and intrigue. I shift my stance and pull my ID from my bag, handing it over.

“I.. um. I’m Lucy Wylde.. I’m here to see.. Christine Johnson.”

She takes my licence and looks it over before taking it and scanning it into the computer.

“Here for mothers day visitation, huh?”

She replies, handing my licence back to me. I simply nod my head, the nerves taking over as it really settles into the pit of my stomach that I’m here and this is really happening.. It’s been nearly a year since she killed him. It’s been nearly a year since he almost killed me in that warehouse…

While she spent the first 17 or so years of my life allowing her husband, my father to beat myself and my sister senseless… in that moment in that warehouse… she finally stepped up. She finally said enough is enough.

I’m grateful for that. I didn’t realize it until a few days ago and even though it was too little too late.. and nowhere near enough to fix everything they both put Kyra and I through…

“Ms. Wylde?”

I glance up at a doorway, a man standing there wearing white scrubs, holding the door open for me.

“Yes?”

“You can come this way.”

But I’m still grateful.

A few seconds pass, silent and uneventful seconds as he leads me to what I can only guess is a visitation room and motions for me to sit down. My stomach churns in my gut while I wait for him, or someone to return with my mother.

I wonder what Joe is doing right now… I wish I weren’t here alone. But he’s exactly where he needs to be.

I just hope he misses me.

The door opens and the same man comes in, propping the door open as an officer escorts my mother into the room and into the chair across from me. Her hair is messy and knotted, she can’t maintain eye contact with anyone or anything for more than a few seconds, her clothes are worn and tattered.. and within a few seconds I can see why as she tugs on them and scratches at them while she rocks in her chair, mumbling.

I’m in awe for a few seconds, unable to say anything as I stare at her… wondering where the woman I used to know went.

Easy.. she lost her fucking mind. She finally snapped like she should have when we were kids.

“I.. Thank you.”

I say to the officer and the doctor, both of them keeping a close eye on their prisoner and patient.

“Gone.. he’s gone…”

Finally my mother says something, barely audible but I can easily make it out. I lean in towards her, but she turns her head away from me.

“Yes.. he is gone, Mom. You made sure of that.”

She screeches and puts her hands up to her head and begins pulling her hair, and I sit back, my eyes wide as she begins pulling chunks of it out as the doctor and officer rush in, trying to pry her hands away from her scalp.

“Did I…?”

“No, no.. this is par for the course… since she came in here.”

The doctor replies continuing to hold her hands down while the officer cuffs her and chains her hands down to the table.

“We hoped seeing her kid would help that..”

I tuck my hair behind my ears and sit back, trying to keep my composure even though my eyes sting with tears.

Seeing me only reminds her of what she’s done.

I should have known.

She turns her head and looks at me as I’m getting ready to get up and it stops me in my tracks.

“Yeerrr sherrr bur derrrd.”

She mumbles, looking away and I can’t understand what shes saying. I glance up at the two men in the room with us and they both shrug their shoulders.

“Mom.. what are you saying?”

Hell, I don’t even know if my mother is in there anymore. I don’t even know if she gets any of what I’m saying or if she even realizes who I am.

She pulls against her restraint, slamming her hands against the table again and again, screaming, repeating what she said over and over.

“You should be dead! You should be dead! YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!”

My heart drops in my chest and I cannot stop the tears any longer as they fall from my eyes, dripping down my neck and soaking into my shirt.

All these hours of driving… for this.

“Gone… he’s gone.”

I nod my head and wipe my eyes.

“Happy mothers day, mom.”

I reply softly before getting up and thanking the officer and doctor again. I take one last look at her, rocking in her chair, repeating ‘he’s gone’ over and over…

And this… this is why the prospect of being a mother scares me. All of this is inside of me… and I never want to put a child through what I went through. I never want to be that.

 

Date May 17th 2019 / Time 3:07AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Wylde/Lee Residence – New York City, New York

I really don’t get it sometimes. People, I mean. More specifically people like Jack Michaels and his tag tag group of coattail riders.

Neither did Joe and I’m guessing that’s why he stormed out of here like four hours ago.. not that I’ve been keeping count or anything.

I should be in bed resting, he’s a big boy and he can take care of himself but that’s not why I’m sitting here in my little gym waiting to hear the front door open.

Truth is… I can’t sleep without him.

The other truth is I’m just as pissed off as he is and I’ve already hit the punching bag until my knuckles bled. I’ve run more miles than I can count, lifted more weight more times than I thought possible yet here I sit… doubting myself, wondering if anything or everything Kyra and her asshole fiance have said about me in the last few days is true.

The thing is.. I know its ridiculous. I know they’re morons. But I’ve been through this before. With my father and it’s hard to kill those doubts. It’s hard to believe the good is there, within myself.

“Luce?”

His voice startles me out of my thoughts and I glance up to see him in the doorway of the gym, looking worn out… And not so angry anymore.

“You okay?”

I shrug my shoulders and lay my head back against the wall.

“Its nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

“Well that doesn’t answer my question.”

I chuckle as he comes across the room and reaches out a hand to me, wanting to help me to my feet.

“And what if I want you to sit down here with me?”

He shakes his head and grins softly before coming to sit down beside me on the gym mats. I grab his arm and put it around me, kissing his hand as he leans in and kisses the top of my head.

I sigh and smile.

“I’m trying to be okay. Does that make sense? I know they’re blowing smoke out their asses and I know they’re just trying to get a rise out of you and I… but after everything with my father… and last week with mom… I just…”

“That’s what they want. Granted they don’t know everything you’ve dealt with, they only know their narrow minded view of who you are but you know you’re better than that. You know you’re a stronger person because of everything you’ve been through. That and your sister is just a bitch.”

I nod my head.

“She’s more like our father than I ever thought possible.”

Silence settles between us as my statement lingers in the air. It’s a scary thought. But it’s true. And I don’t know how to combat that. Hell, I don’t know if I can.

After a little while, I hear his breathing begin slowing down and before he falls asleep I nudge him.

“What?”

“Do you wanna fall asleep down here or would you rather go upstairs?”

I turn to look at him, his arm still draped over me.

“As long as I’m with you…”

He says sleepily and I can’t help but smile. But I’m not cool with staying down here for the night so I get up and start pulling him up to his feet.

“Come on… We’re going to bed. You need to rest up before your match.”

“You do too.”

“Don’t remind me. What am I going to do about Maggie? All of this shit with Paragon going on and I’ve tried to forget that I’m facing her in a few days..”

He stops as we’re walking out of the gym and looks down into my eyes. I know it’s just like every other match. That’s how I have to treat it…but… it’s Maggie.

“You’re going to beat her ass just like you did the first time.”

“Right.”

I reply staring up at him, trying to look as confident as he does but I guess I don’t do a very good job since he shrugs and pulls me in for a kiss.

“Or I could do it for you if you don’t think you can get the job done.”

I roll my eyes and push him away.

“Oh fuck off… Fucking troll.”

He chuckles and walks away towards the stairs.

“At least you’re smiling. But seriously, don’t let your haters get you to doubt yourself. You’re a world class talent in a small little regional promotion. Carnage doesn’t know how lucky it is and Jack Michael’s couldn’t out wrestle you in his prime.”

I follow him to the stairs and I move past him, standing above him on the steps.

“Could outwrestle you too.”

His eyes widen.

“What?!”

“Mmmhm. You heard me.”

I turn around and climb the stairs, listening to him behind me and when we get to the top I feel his arms around me, lifting me up and carrying me towards the bedroom.

“Hey!”

 

Maggie, I wish I could say I were looking forward to this match, I really do.

I wish I could say this one is going to be as fun as the last time we had to go up against one another but I think we both know things have changed quite a bit since the last time we fought over the UGWC Cross-Hemisphere Championship.

The last time you and I spoke, it was just after your UV title match against Joe. I don’t remember a lot of it, but I do remember telling you that you needed to figure your shit out and that I couldn’t do it for you. I really did want the best for you, Maggie.. Even after everything you said about Joe. Even after all the mean, spiteful things you did. Hell, I still do. I care about you. I hoped we could have remained friends, even though we didn’t work out as a couple.

Things don’t always go the way I plan though. I know now, that that’s not going to happen anytime soon and I know that come Monday night, you and I are going to fight. Not as friends. Not even as enemies.. Just as two people who want to beat the other. Just two people that fell apart and need to tell a story through pain and struggle inside that ring. A beautiful, yet tragic tale to be sure.

It all boils down to the fact that you’re you and I’m me.

You have your opinion on the things I’ve done and the people I keep my company with and I have my opinion about the shit you’ve done and how you’ve handled yourself through all of this.

You’re still young. You’ve got a lot left to learn. I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s true. I can see it in you when I saw you on Chaos the other week. So much like the Maggie I used to know, but so jaded. So unwilling to accept the fact that you and I didn’t work out and that’s okay. I know you probably hate me now, and that’s okay too. I do apologize for hurting you. That’s not something I ever wanted to do but I won’t apologize for wanting to help you, and wanting to continue being your friend even when things went sour.

But apparently it’s all or nothing with you. At least I’m assuming as much.

And.. That’s okay too.

If that’s the way you want it, then that’s how it’s gonna be.

I’ll see you on Monday, Maggie and trust me when I say that I’m not going to take it easy on you. Everything you give to me, I’m giving right back because we aren’t friends. We’re adversaries and at the end of the night, I’m walking out with a win over you and you’re going to be back to square one. There’s one thing we can agree on though, Maggie.. You are the future.

You’re just not my future.