Date December 2nd 2019 / Time Unknown / Status Not Recording
Location Chaos 84 at the Carnage Arena – Baltimore, Maryland

“Miss Wylde, I think you should go to the hospital for further examination, I–”

“Just–”

I put my hand up and he stops talking while I lean against the wall, my legs feeling like Jello until finally I give up trying to stand and let myself slide down onto the floor.

“–Leave me alone.”

Doesn’t he get it? I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I don’t want to be examined, poked or prodded.. I’m fine. A little worn out, hurting… but fine. I’ll survive.

I look up just as the med tech shakes his head and turns away.

“Have it your way, Ms. Wylde.”

He mumbles as he leaves in disgust.

Good.

At least I’m not the only person feeling disgusted here tonight.

I went out there and embarrassed myself tonight. I wasn’t ready. I thought I was, but I should have known I wasn’t and I went up against someone who was just as, if not more ready than I thought I was. She made me look like someone that I haven’t seen in a long, long time. A rookie. Out of my league… Bad. I looked terrible.

I wanted to give her my all, but my best was nowhere near what I’d hoped.

I was out of breath within moments. And as frustrating as it was… It scared me even more. This entire thing made me realize that I’m not ready for any of this. Not after Season of the Witch. Not after that surgery, not after the trauma and the recovery.

And now?

I’ve lost my team the advantage in Wargames and honestly I don’t really care about that but I know Joe will. I know Mac will, and Trent. Giving Paragon any bit of advantage…

“Hey sweet girl…”

A soft voice draws me from my thoughts. I look up to see Mac standing above me, his hands on his hips. Speaking of the devil…

“Ain’t nothing sweet here, Mac.”

I reply, closing my eyes and leaning my head back against the wall. Don’t really want, or need to see anyone, let alone my teammates right now.. Not after I just went out there and humiliated myself.

I feel him move, and when I open my eyes again, he’s kneeling down beside me, his eyes looking me over. Haven’t really seen myself but I’m sure I don’t look good. Amber put my through some shit tonight, no doubt. She wanted to win and I respect that. Tonight could have turned out a lot worse… So much worse… But it didn’t.

And I’m grateful for that.

“Are you okay?”

He asks. I nod my head in response, sighing.

“I might look like a pin cushion, but it could have been worse.”

Of course, being impaled by thumbtacks doesn’t feel pleasant. Pulling them out, one by one feels even less so. And now, every spot is painful – along with my back, my head… Hell everything fucking hurts.

But honestly?

For everything that Amber did to put me into this position… I did just as much of it to myself.

“Yeah…”

He says quietly, the look on his face and the tone of his voice telling me more about how he really feels than he realizes. I’m not stupid, and I’ve been thinking and feeling about the exact same thing since I was pulled back here by the medical staff.

What if she would have used that chair the way she’d intended?

The thought gives me chills. That moment when I opened my eyes to see her standing above me, her eyes filled with a mixture of rage and doubt… holding that chair over her head, ready to strike down over my throat. Part of her wanted so badly to go for the kill shot… In the few seconds I stared at her, I thought she was really going to.

“She didn’t do it though, Mac. No matter how you feel about her, or Paragon.. Gotta give her at least some respect for her restraint.”

He and Amber have no love lost, I know that. But I’ve got enough shit to worry about with Joe and this impending fight than to worry about anyone trying to exact some kind of revenge on Amber of anyone else for what she almost did. In spite of this entire thing going on between Override and Paragon… I just don’t want there to be anymore hatred and contempt.

He grits his teeth for a few seconds before finally nodding his head.

“No, she didn’t.”

He relents. Thank God. I didn’t really want to debate this with him.

“Good, now that that’s settled…”

My voice trails off as I look at him. Something looks off.

“…Mac…”

I say, noticing the look in his eyes. Something is troubling him, other than what happened tonight. He sighs and glances back up into my eyes.

“You need more time to recover.”

I sigh and nod my head. He’s not wrong.

“I know. But I don’t have the time to worry about it.”

Perhaps if Bridges didn’t put me into this match tonight, I might feel differently. Then again, I did show up at the last Chaos and sign that contract, all on my own so… Who’s really to blame for me being in the condition that I’m in right now?

“Why did you sign that contract though, if you knew you wouldn’t be ready for Wargames?”

I raise my eyebrows.

“I think you know why Mac.”

I reply, moving to pull myself back up to my feet but Mac reaches out and grabs my arm giving me an assist.

“You know, I could have sat back and watched ya’ll from the sidelines… And I would have had a perfectly legitimate excuse in doing so… But that’s just not who I am, Mac.”

I shrug my shoulders as I stand in front of him.

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way because I respect the hell out of you and the kind of fighter that you are.. But you’re not worried about Joe going out there and killing himself in the name of hurting Paragon that much more. You’re on his side, you support his message and you’re gonna be out there to help him do that. I get it. I was too.. I mean, I still am… but that’s why things are so messed up right now. I encouraged this.. Just as much as anyone else and now he’s going off the deep end and I have to try to stop him before… Before he does something he can’t live with.”

Mac shrugs his own shoulders in response.

“Funny thing that, until he wants help, no one can help him let alone stop him. I know from personal experience what that path is like, from both sides of it. Be careful in how you plan to stop him, and remember you’re never alone kiddo.”

I don’t know, I feel pretty alone right now. Even standing here in front of someone who calls himself my friend.. I feel like I’m all by myself.

It does cross my mind though, that Mac might be right… And Will before him. Maybe I’m taking too much on myself, especially with someone who obviously doesn’t want my help. Perhaps I should have stayed back and let him do what he’s gonna do… Let him find help on his own, if he ever would.

But that would mean walking away.

That would mean walking away from him just like I did Kyra, CJ and Maggie.. And I don’t think I can do that again. I’ve made that same mistake far too many times in my life. I’ve let go, abandoned the people that I loved because I thought that was what was best… I just don’t think I can keep being that way anymore.

Between being in that hospital room all by myself, and sitting at home twiddling my thumbs, I’ve had a lot of time to think.

I walked away from all of them for one reason or another… Whether it was right or wrong… I don’t know anymore. All I know is I can’t add Joe to that list.. I can’t keep giving up on what I love and expect things to end up any differently than the last time.

“Hey..”

Mac says, pulling me back to reality.

“Lookin’ a little far away there, girl.”

I nod my head, and look up at him, laying a hand on his arm.

“Just a lot going through my mind right now. But I do get what you’re saying, you’re not the first person to tell me that either.”

I shrug.

“..It might not make sense to anyone but me… But I know what I gotta do. I just can’t step back and watch. I hope you understand…”

I squeeze his arm lightly and he smiles softly, nodding his head.

“Better than anyone. Just take care of yourself. The rest of us will pick up the slack, sweet girl.”

I smile.

“Thank you..”

 

December 4th 2019

I really don’t know how I’m going to be ready for Wargames in less than two weeks. Hell, I thought two days ago that I was pretty ready for Amber Ryan and she proved me wrong with about twenty minutes of hell. People keep telling me I’m going to get myself permanently injured by going out there at Ultimate Carnage. Some are even telling me that I might cost the Override the match, since I am the weakest among them.

They’re not wrong.

But I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care about this match coming up… Don’t get me wrong, I’m gonna fight because it’s what I do, but who honestly gives a shit if Paragon disbands or not? Who the fuck cares if Joe loses his career at this point?

He’s Joe Cool.. Even if it’s not Carnage, he’ll find somewhere else. It’s what he does.

Of course, now that I write it… It makes me feel a little foolish for doing what I’m doing. Does he even give a flying fuck that I’m putting myself in harms way for him? He probably isn’t even thinking about it that way, he’s let that dark passenger call the shots for far too long and I don’t even think the real Joe gets much of a say anymore.

Probably why he doesn’t answer my calls.

Probably deletes my voicemails before he even listens to em.

That voice doesn’t want him hearing my voice to change his mind about what he’s doing. If I’m not around, the voice can reign supreme.

So I guess maybe I am right for what I’m doing. I gotta stop second guessing myself. I said it the other day, at least in my mind… I’ve walked away from every other important person in my life when I felt like it was my best option…

I walked away from Kyra… I left her because I thought my best option was to run instead of get caught again.

I walked away from CJ because I couldn’t handle his insecurities, I couldn’t handle the wall he built between us and I felt unneeded, unwanted and unloved. So I left him to rot away, figuring that that was what he wanted anyway.

I walked away from Maggie because I thought that staying around was encouraging the adolescent behavior that she’d let consume her over the last few months of our relationship. I thought leaving would make her realize what she was doing… I thought walking away would help her see.

Maybe I did some of it for the right reasons, but at the end of the day… I walked away from people I loved. I turned my back on them and I left them just as alone as I feel right now. That’s not right, it’s not fair and I hate myself for doing it.

But it’s done now.

I can’t take any of it back.

All I can do is move on.

Make better decisions for not only myself, but for the people I love.

And I’m putting myself in harms way for someone that everyone else perceives as a person who doesn’t care or appreciate it… But I know that that’s not him. I know who he really is, and that’s who I’m fighting for.

 

Date December 11th 2019 / Time 12:20PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Lee/Wylde Residence – New York City, New York

Ring…

Ring….

Ring….

“This is Joe, leave a message.”

BEEP!

“Your phone is on silent. It’s gotta be.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose between my fingers and sigh. Either it’s on silent or he’s actively ignoring my calls, but what does it matter? Either way, I’m not getting through. Haven’t been for weeks now.

“For fucks sake, Joe.. Just answer the phone. Talk to me. Where are you? I miss you.”

I cringe and hang up the phone. God damnit. I know I sound like an idiot, a ‘lovesick’ moron, right? At least that’s what everyone else wants to say. I just miss him, I want to talk to him.. It’s been weeks. Months?

When was Season of the witch?

Christ…

I don’t even remember anymore.

It’s been a long, long time.

I sit down on the couch and stare at the phone screen – at the picture of Joe and I that I set as my background and I feel… empty. We look happy in the picture.. Well I mean he looks as happy as he possibly could.. But I know he was happy.

At least I hope he was.

I sigh and press my thumb to the screen, hitting the call button and hitting his name, putting the phone back to my ear.

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

“This is Joe, Leave a message.”

BEEP!

I sigh into the mouthpiece.

“Joe.. I know you feel like you’re doing what’s right. But you’re letting that voice control you, you’re letting it tell you things that you know aren’t true. Come back home.. Let’s get you some help. Forget about Ultimate Carnage and Wargames. It’s not worth it. Let it go.. For your own well being. Nothing’s going to change after that match, deep down you have to know that.”

I stop for a moment, thinking that everything I’m saying is only going to piss him off. But what more do I have to lose at this point?

“You’re better than this, Joe. You’re being an idiot right now… And you’re going to lose everything if you don’t step back and let me help you. I know this is gonna fall on deaf ears, but I’m gonna do what you can’t do Joe.. I’m going to fucking put a stop to this shit.. No matter what. I’m gonna knock some sense back into your skull…”

I hang up the phone and toss it onto the couch beside me.

That probably just made things worse… that is if he’s even listening to them. Odds are that he’s not. But what do I know?

Not enough, evidently.

 

Sit down and buckle up folks, I’ve got some shit to say.

Before I get into anything else though, I just want to tell you Amber… Thank you. Thank you for putting that chair down two weeks ago. Trust me, I know that doesn’t mean much coming from me but I don’t think I could describe what I felt when I looked up and saw you standing over me with that chair.

I was terrified.

I never got the chance to tell you congratulations either. I only wish I were better equipped to face you that night, and for you and I to have had an actual match. But hey, it is what it is.. And I’m well aware that it’s my own fault that I’m in the condition that I’m in. So no need to remind me of that.

Looking back though, I just keep thinking about a few things that you said to me, Amber.. A few things that more people than just you truly believe. You all look at me like some lovesick, naive, stupid little girl who can’t see what JC truly is beyond my heart shaped eyes. It’s a damn shame that a lot of you think I’m only here right now because I’m so devoted to that man that I’m blind to the shit he’s been doing and the person that he’s been for the last half a year or so.

I’m not blind.

I do love him. I do want what’s best for him, but contrary to popular belief.. I see more of him and know more about him than any of you could ever possibly dream of and I know that this guy you all hate? That’s not him.

But I’m not dumb enough to think you all give a flying fuck about that.

That’s not going to stop me from saying it though.

I’m well aware that Joe’s done some things and has made some decisions that will have consequences – A few that he probably doesn’t see, or doesn’t care about right now. He’s not a good guy in your eyes, but just like a lot of us.. He really does feel like he’s doing the right thing. I know he’s lost. I know that in the past half a year or so, something else has invaded his mind and has clouded his judgement.

Maybe he’s not a good guy, but he is a good man who’s lost his way.

But you all don’t give a rats ass about that. I get it. But I hope you all realize that you can be wrong about shit too… Like the fact that I’m only in this fight because I love him.

Like I just said, I do love him. But as I’ve said many times before… A lot of us get far too caught up in this industry and what we can accomplish… We get so invested in it that we forget that we have lives outside of the ring. I’ve been there, done that. I’m sure a lot of you have too… Maybe some of you currently are… I don’t know. But I’ve learned over the years that my life outside of all this bullshit is the only thing I have to look forward to when my time is finally up..

If I let it fall to shit now, because of this shit? When I’m finally done with wrestling… I won’t be able to rest.

I feel like that’s where Joe is at right now.

He’s lost sight of what lies outside of Carnage Wrestling and wrestling as an industry. He loves it… And I don’t blame him for that, hell… I love it too. BUT if it ever came down to picking Joe or another world title… or a Carnage Wrestling without the so-called ‘bullshit’…

I’d pick Joe hands down.

As for what he’d pick… I truly and honestly don’t know.

But before you roll your eyes and tell me that that’s exactly the point you’re trying to make about me… Let me say this. I’d do this for anyone. I’d step up and fight this fight that I don’t believe in to help anyone who was lost… That’s just who I am. I’d still be here fighting the same fight it if were Mac, Trent, Maggie.. Hell even Jack Michaels himself. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that someone is lost. Someone is lost and I’m the only damn person willing to look past the bad things he’s done to try and recover the good person in there who can’t find his way out.

You all wanna vilify him. Fine. Have at it. But just remember that the same thing can happen to you. I’d even go as far as to say that maybe it already has happened to some of you. You lost yourselves and someone who loves you helped you find your way back.

Because there’s more to life than this.

There’s more to life than beating the piss out of one another because you disagree about the way a promotion is run, or the people who work in it handle themselves.

This fight is stupid. It’s not worth it. Paragon might be able to look back on Wargames with joy, knowing that they ended the career of JC. Good for you. Take that home with you. Use it to keep you warm at night. Oh wait, it won’t work that way? Maybe you can use your blind hatred and your narrow mindedness instead?

And no I’m not just picking on you guys. Although I can’t understand how any of you let it get this far. And I know I’m not innocent by any means but Jesus Christ people.

Especially you, Joe. Why? Why is any of this necessary? I know you’re going to answer that, but I don’t think it’ll be your real answer. I don’t think you have a real answer right now because you yourself are too blinded by your hatred of Jack and Paragon to realize what you’re willing to give up. Maybe your career isn’t the worst thing you could be putting on the line. I mean I did say that I’m trying to protect you and the life you can have outside of this industry… But maybe losing wouldn’t be the worst thing.

I’d rather you lose your career than watch you lose your life over something so insignificant and childish. Because what if your team wins, Joe? What if I let you go and hurt those people exactly the way you wanna… what happens then? You feel vindicated for a few days? You slowly start to realize what you did and then what? You can’t bear to live with yourself?

I can’t let that happen.

Even though, at the end of the day, this isn’t Mac’s fight, this isn’t Trents fight or GI’s fight.. This isn’t even my fight, it’s Joe’s fight. And it’s your fight too Jack, yet you conveniently excused yourself from this match, claiming that you’re done fighting him and that your peers can best him without you.

But I blame you, Jack… Just as much as I blame Joe for letting things get this far. Sure you apologized, but does that honestly change what’s about to happen? You get to go merrily defend your world title against Brian while your so-called family goes out and fights your battle for you.

How you’ve been champion for a year, I’ll never know. You’re disgusting and some of you have called me a lovesick girl, and a puppet for my loyalty to Joe… But have you looked at yourselves Paragon? Do you even know what you’re fighting for?

To keep Paragon alive? To oust JC? To please Jack? What?

You know damn well that if you happen to lose and Paragon must disband… it’s not going to change your feelings on anything. You know that if JC has to leave that it’s not going to change the Overrides feelings about anything either.

If anything this fight serves only one purpose… to make things worse. Nothing good is coming from this. We’re going to hurt each other… and for what? To satiate two mens over-inflated egos? To appease an aging champion who’s ‘too tired’ or too damn afraid to do it himself? To make a demented voice inside another mans head happy?

It’s ridiculous. I don’t want to hurt any of you. But the damn shame is that I know I can’t say the same about many of you because the hatred for the opposite side of this issue is too strong, too deeply seeded now…

Two men, arguing over twitter about who’s right… two men thinking they have the answers for carnage Wrestling… two men who don’t yet realize that their opinions don’t mean Jack shit at the end of it all. Two high and mighty opinions that did nothing to truly change anything and did a whole lot to send an entire promotion into absolute chaos for nothing.

It’s not worth it.

None of this is going to be worth it. You’ll all see soon enough.

But regardless.. It’s going to happen… And I don’t know what’s going to happen but it’s not going to be good.

OOC: Mac used with permission. Good Luck everyone!