I spent almost the entirety of two healing, both physically and mentally, from the scars of Chaos 77.

…and I hate healing.

I’m the type that likes to stay busy. I like to feel that the time I spend is being spent on a purpose. Not that healing isn’t, in itself, a purpose… I just think that it’s all the time spent thinking that bothers me the most.

These past two weeks, I’ve had too much time to think about all of the mistakes that I’ve made in the past. Too much time to think about the match with Myra Lynwood, the one that set me on this path. Too much time to think about whether I still deserve this shot or not. Too much time trying to figure out just where my place in Carnage Wrestling is – and where my two feet stand.

Was this how I was going to focus on what was important?

Hell, I don’t even know what’s important anymore.

The tattoo parlor? My professional wrestling career? The championships that I’m chasing after? The legacy I want to leave behind? All I knew was that my ‘old life’ formula worked fine (until it didn’t.) The busier I was, the happier I was. The more I sat still, the more miserable I’d become.

And yes, there were things that I could have been doing in these past two weeks. I could have been studying Melody’s tapes. I could have been re-watching my own body of work. I could have been getting myself prepared mentally for We Are Relentless.

I just…

I didn’t feel like it.

I didn’t eat a whole lot and I didn’t answer my phone much. Cherie texted me a few times. She said that she wanted to check in on me. I told her ‘I’m fine. I’m still young, I heal pretty well. Yada yada.’ It wasn’t that much of a lie. Amber left Baltimore that night two weeks ago, straight from the hospital room because she had to work the next morning. She texted me, too. It took all I had to text her back. I’m not really sure what I was thinking, though. She had her life and her job in New York to take care of… and I didn’t really fit into all of that. If Nadette would only find out where Amber has been, it would only make things worse.

So I kept my answers short.

Precise.

Distant.

Speaking of bosses, the more I thought about Chaos 77, and more particularly what was said between my boss and I, I found that a lot of the things that he said were actually quite true. With the exception of a select few friends (I guess I could say…) I really am alone. But it was my fault, and he was right about that. I mean look at me. He invested so much into bringing me back and what have I done for him? …for Carnage? Like most things I’m involved in I just find myself being the reason that things are worse. Paper Street? Doing great without me. Carnage probably would be a lot better off, too. I mean hell, look at all of the recent signings that Bridges has been able to put forth.

There just comes a point in life where it feels like it’s almost inevitable… that I must concede that what I do and who I am does not matter. It feels like everything would be better off if Magdalena Lockheart wasn’t involved at all. Like the best thing I can do for everyone involved is to just go away.

But something else happens. Maybe it’s selfishness. Maybe it’s cowardice. Maybe, it’s something completely different. But every time I want to bury myself in the sand I somehow get this new feeling.

I get it deep down. Deeper than I can reach. I can’t touch it, smell it, see it, or hear it. I just… feel it. It’s faint. It tells me that despite how I feel now, there are better times ahead, better places to be, maybe even somewhere I belong, and maybe… some person I was meant to be with.

I started this journey to find myself. My journal entry today is simply an admission of my own guilt. No matter how hard I try to do the right thing…

I just can’t stay away.

 

I Am Relentless

 

The Capital One Arena
Washington, D.C.

 

A yellow taxi dropped Amber and I off by the front entrance of the arena. I wasn’t expecting much, if any, fanfare when arriving at the building. I’ve spent the better part of my career not having to deal with a certain kind of attention… mainly respect and love.

But the first person sees me and they cheer. Then the second, and the third. In a few moments time I’m the center of attention. I’ve got people literally screaming and some even chanting my name. I’ve got no gold to offer them, no title to hang beside my name. I couldn’t even tell why they were cheering… was it for what I did two weeks ago? Was it because I nearly killed Daniel Richards?

Despite the summer heat I was covered-up in a long coat and sunglasses… the polar opposite of how Amber was dressed. I wanted to stay guarded from the world… wanted to live in my own little headspace. I didn’t want to be loved right now because being loved didn’t seem to work out for me so well in the past. So I tried my best not to acknowledge it.

I pulled my luggage alongside me and kept Amber between me and the fans. I kept my focus on the door. Fifty feet. If we could just slip into the building and sneak into my locker room hopefully no one would notice. Thirty feet. The crowd was being held back by stanchions and rope and some under-achieving security guards… Ten feet. It wasn’t until I had my hand on the door handle until Amber finally spoke up.

“Hey,” She said as she curled her fingers around my arm, “You gonna see your fans or what?”

Fans, what fans? I thought as I cocked my head to the side. You don’t mean that crowd of people screaming Mag-gie, Mag-gie, Mag-gie?

“Ehh, I guess I could for a little while.” I sighed. “I mean, what could it really hurt, right?”

Amber replied, “I mean… I might be a little outta my league here, but ain’t the fans an important part of what you do?”

“Oh they are. They’re the reason why I’m here- why we all are.”

Amber turned to look for herself. There was perhaps, maybe, fifty to a hundred people already.

“Seems like they kinda want you.”

I chuckled.

“I have… no idea why.”

She laughed and shrugged.

“Um… Because you’re you and you’re all famous and shit?” She replied with a semi-serious tone. “Just throwing that out there. Plus.. Apparently these Carnage Legion people enjoy watching blood sports.”

“Ahh, no wonder they like me.” I replied, my words dripping with sarcasm, “I’m the one who bleeds the most.”

“Okay, I didn’t mean it like that. They probably like you because you kick a lot of ass.”

“Oh yeah? Is that so?”

I felt awkward being so dismissive of her positivism. But I had to be. It’s the only defense mechanism I have to keep myself from getting my hopes up.

But she was not amused.

“Yeah. So stop being so down on yourself. I know you had it pretty rough last time around… That Richards guy messed you up pretty good. But you got back up. People get behind someone like that. Someone that don’t back down, you know? Someone that keeps going in spite of losing like a shit ton of blood. I don’t know. You’re pretty great, even if I prefer you without the face full of blood.”

“You… really think I’m great?”

Amber nodded her head. I kinda shook mine a little.

“Um yeah. I can’t name half.. Okay all of the shit you do in there but I like the way you don’t take no for an answer. That shit’s inspiring.”

In that moment I found myself reaching for her hand and leaning in closer to her. I didn’t even realize I did it at first… it was just a reaction… Luckily I had only brushed her hand barely with my fingertips before I caught myself and pulled away. I bit my pursed lip and turned away, toward the crowd, for a moment.

“I’m glad that I could inspire you,” I said in a mild tone. “But there are better people than me out there. Better wrestlers… female wrestlers… gonna face one tonight, actually.”

Amber rolled her eyes.

“I’m sure there are, but I ain’t here to see them,” she said. “You gotta stop doubting yourself. If there’s anything about you that’s wrong… it’s that… you’re here ain’t you?”

I nodded my head.

“You’re gonna fight what’s her face tonight and that’s what it is. She might be the best thing since sliced bread, but the fact that you’re here, the fact that everyone out here now – and a bunch of other people are gonna be here tonight – know that you have every ability to stand up to her or anyone that you’d be up against. That’s the confidence you gotta have in yourself. It isn’t easy, it never is but that’s what makes the journey worth it.”

“You’re right.” I replied. “I’m going to fight what’s her face and get my shot… and in a couple of months… hopefully get my title back. Then maybe Bridges will finally see what I’m worth to this place.”

Then suddenly, Amber reached for my hand.

“It ain’t about him, honey. Quit trying to impress him. It’s about YOU.”

“Technically it is about him, though. He’s my boss-”

“Sure he’s your boss but he isn’t everything. He gave you an opportunity and that’s great but impressing him ain’t gonna make you happy. You think it’ll make you happy, but at the end of the day, if you’re just doing something to appease someone else, that shit’s empty as hell. You gotta make yourself happy first.”

I looked into her eyes and I thought about what would really make me happy right now. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it… I couldn’t fuck up her life just to make mine a little nicer. I knew then that I wasn’t ‘the girl who wasn’t going to take no for an answer’ either, because, sometimes no is the answer. I had to accept that, or at least felt like I did.

I had to pull my hand away again.

It was only for the best.

“Well I’m going to do what I can.” I nearly whispered, all while lowering my head. “I think beating Melody tonight would go a long way towards that. So I really need to get in there… get prepared.”

She stood there for a moment, a long look on her face. She turned all while interlacing her fingers as she glanced out at the crowd. Finally, she turned back to me and nodded.

“Okay..” She whispered obviously downtrodden by my complete lack of showing any reassurance. “Well let’s go then.”

We headed for the door again when suddenly a trio of security guards blocked our entrance. I thought that they would let us pass but their human barricade soon to be known as purely intentional.

“Hey, what the hell?”

“I’m sorry Ma’am.” The center guard said to me. “You can go, but I’m afraid we can’t let your friend pass.”

“What?!” I snatched my sunglasses off of my eyes because I wanted him to see my rage boil over. “What the fuck do you mean you can’t let her pass?”

“She’s been banned from the arena tonight.” The guard replied.

“That’s bullshit!” I shouted.

“No-” He looked down on me with a smirk. “Mister Bridges orders.”

 

 

This match could have meant something.

It could have been a whole lot more.

I can think back to a time where Magdalena Lockheart versus Melody Lennox would have been the main event of We Are Relentless. In hindsight, there’s one instance where I’m directly responsible for this not happening. Last year, as a matter of fact. I had just come off of my Monarchy of Anarchy Tournament win and it was my choice which title I wanted to go after – which champion I wanted to dethrone. I could have chosen the World Championship. I could have chosen you. But I didn’t. The UltraViolent Championship meant more to me. Righting a wrong meant more to me. Playing the game without any rules in the ultimate test of survival meant more to me… and if given the chance I wouldn’t go back and change that decision.

It had nothing to do with you.

Fast forward a year later, and now look at us. Look at the circumstances surrounding this match. What have we become? I’m fighting for another chance – a second chance – at redemption. The winner of this match earns themselves a shot at the UltraViolent Championship at Season of the Witch. But that’s all it really is… an undercard match between two women far more talented to be down this far. A glorified number-one-contenders bout. What happened in a years time? Did we both stumble while the world passed us by? Magdalena Lockheart versus Melody Lennox is finally happening… and it seems like most of the viewing audience, most of the people in the back, and even you, yourself, couldn’t give a damn.

This could be the story of how far the mighty have fallen.

But I refuse to let it be that. You see, I’m at the point now where I don’t give a damn what the people think. Where we are now doesn’t change the fact that we’re still two of the best wrestlers, best athletes that Carnage Wrestling has to offer, and we could very easily steal this show. I’m past the point where I feel the need to justify what this match means to be… because I know that when you and I go out there that we can create something truly special… even if you tried to have me taken out by your lackey two weeks ago. Hell I even doubt that you hold the slightest interest in an UltraViolent Championship match given who you are and that the UV Championship is beneath you. (It’s not, but still.) I know that there’s one thing you hate more than anything…

The embarrassment of defeat.

This match could have meant a whole lot more than what it’s being billed as on paper, and it still can. I want to earn another shot at Myra Lynwood and god knows your ego couldn’t handle a loss to me. I went away and lost my magic somewhere unseen but everyone got to watch yours fade before their very eyes. And I’ll give you credit where credit’s due, you’ve started this year with the goal of bemoaning and dethroning Jack Michaels, two things you’re very capable of doing. But here it is, the middle of August, and you’re so far removed from Jack’s championship scene that you fell into mine. If you can’t beat me, Melody, then what in the hell would make anyone think you deserve another shot at Jack?

…and if I can’t beat you, if I don’t earn another shot at the UltraViolent Championship, I’m not sure what I would do next. I honestly would have to give the nod to Myra on this one… I wouldn’t deserve it.The entire direction of my career rests on the outcome of this one little match. I can’t afford to lose.

But I want to do it the right way. I want to earn another shot at Myra, or the new guy… whoever walks out with my championship at the end of the night. I want to do it by beating you.. I don’t have anything to come at you with beside a sheer desire to win, and the knowledge that I have nothing else to lose.

But that’s exactly why I fear this match won’t live up to the hype. That’s why I fear I should have taken you on last year when the lights were a little brighter for us both.

You were a different Melody Lennox back then.

I was a different Magdalena Lockheart.

This match could still be something great. It could still be something epic. It could still be the one that has people watching this pay-per-view years from now, reliving the moments of a five-star classic. But it won’t be, no matter how hard I try. No matter what I do to pour my heart and soul into overcoming the odds set before me.

Because this is ‘We Are Relentless’…

…and you…

…you’re not.

I’ve spent the past few months showing up to every single Chaos show! I’ve spent the past few months taking on all challengers set before me in some of the craziest UltraViolent matches I’ve ever been in. Where have you been? ‘Too busy to be bothered’. I fought Sebastian Steel on the streets. I took on Zaia and Amelia Nixon. I was here earning my right week in and week out just to get this shot… Where have you been? Twitter. Posting selfies and hashtags. ‘#FreeMelody – I’ve got a tour of Eden Pro to go do.’ I took down Daniel Richards, even though I know your boytoy was most likely sent by you to destroy me. Where have you been? Huh? Couldn’t be woman enough to do the dirty work yourself? ‘Renati likes the way my ass looks in my ring gear.’ You’re a fucking bitch. ‘I can’t stand to be in Carnage Wrestling, they don’t appreciate me like FFW will.’ Sure thing. ‘I really want to be free agent now, because I can’t quite hack it here anymore.’

You’re not Relentless.

You’re a coward.

Who among us can look down on your achievements? Me? No, I know a two-time CW World Champ when I see one. I know who you are, and I know what you’ve earned through your years dedicated to this industry. I’m not even going to say that you don’t deserve a shot at whichever championship that you want to fight for on any given night. But I do know a quitter when I see one… and it’s not like you’re exactly keeping it a secret. You want to take your ball and go, who am I to stop you? I am who I am, and I’m here tonight because I’m trying to fix my mistakes… not run away from them.

Like I said earlier, you watched the Carnage locker-room pass you by. You were here long before Paragon was ever uttered by the lips of the Legion and one would have thought you’d have been here long past their demise. But you’re not the main attraction anymore… and you don’t even want to fight to get that back. You’d much rather beg to be let out of a contract so you can move on and go grace who-gives-a-fuck-f-w with your particularly venomous wit. You want to go to a place where you can still live off of who you were without ever having to give an ounce of perseverance. You have no will to become something better than what you used to be.

And I’m not surprised. You always thought of yourself as the best… the same way Jack thinks now. Truth fucking hurts, doesn’t it? When things don’t go your way… when you’re forced to look into the mirror because you’ve got no one else to blame. Who do you turn to? Where do you go?

We might be at the same intersection, Mel, but we’re on two completely different paths heading in two completely opposite ways. I’m Relentless. I’ll work through it. I’ll figure my shit out, one way or another. I’ll become stronger. Better. Faster. Whatever I need to be. And you? We all know what you’re going to do. And it’s this very reason that the once great Melody Lennox is in the spot that she put herself in now.

It’s not surprising.

What this match represents to me is the antithesis of what it means to you… and I’m not sorry for saying it. I’m going to beat your face in, bloody you up, and stomp your head into the ground until you can’t stand it anymore… because you’re standing in the way of my legacy. I couldn’t give a damn if you’re FFW’s new bitch tomorrow, but you’re going to be my bitch tonight. Don’t you see? The UltraViolent Championship means to me what the World Championship meant to you, but unlike you I’m not going to give up so easily. I don’t have a selfie to take or a hashtag to proclaim my mood. What I do, I do for myself, my fans, my federation, and my legacy… I do inside the ring.

I can live my life without a cellphone in my hand.

And if you bring yours to the ring I’m going to beat you with it.

I know where I stand. I know who I want to be and what I want to become. I am the Queen of UltraViolence… and there’s no other place I’d rather be than here. You’ve changed, I’ve changed, and hell, even Carnage Wrestling has changed – and the three of us will continue to change until we retire or die, whichever comes first. But what I have and what I need are all the motivation I need to take you to WAR. I don’t give a damn about what you think is owed to you or what you think you might be able to deliver tonight. UltraViolence is survival in its most purest form in our sport. I have no doubt that you could succeed in it, but the real question is if you wanted to. You and I both know that the scars aren’t going to be a great add to your photo album. I’m not so sure Renati wants you bleeding on your new clothes.

Don’t let me stop you on your trip to greener pastures. I just wish deep down that I could believe that you gave a shit as much as I do. But I know you don’t care. You don’t care about Carnage Wrestling… you sure don’t care about me. All you care about is yourself. Your ego. Your brand. Your future. Well tonight you’re going to have to come to terms with the decisions you’ve made. Tonight you’re going to have to fight someone a little outside of your comfort zone. Tonight you’re going to have to find a reason to fight… because I’m already coming with mine.

This match, this night… is the night that I prove that I belong here. This match tonight is the match where I show everyone what I deserve. I’m coming at you with everything I’ve got and if it takes spilling your blood all over DC to prove my point, then I’m gonna fucking do it!

There’s no luck to be wished. No handshakes or hugs to be had. But if you really want, I could help you pack your bags before you go.

This is my federation.

This is my career.

This is my life!

I AM RELENTLESS!

Melody Lennox…

Look at what you just made me do.