“You don’t run from the people who need you. You fight for them. You fight beside them. No matter the cost. No matter the risk.”
 ― Rick Yancey, The Last Star ―

November 19th 2019

I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I left for Baltimore. I said I was gonna figure it out but the truth is I didn’t figure shit out until I was standing in the arena among the crowd, hiding in the shadows as I watched Joe slowly piece his team together.

GI, I’m not really surprised. Joe’s brother wants him not to kill himself just about as much as I do. Joe didn’t really get a choice in that though, and I don’t know if he would have actually invited GI, knowing that GI’s only there to keep him from hurting himself further.

Guess that’s why I didn’t get an invite either.

Trent. Of course Trent. Trent is Joe’s best friend and his partner in crime. It doesn’t matter what Joe wants to do, Trent will be there for it. Trent is a good man, and a great fighter but I damn well know he’s not going to keep Joe from digging his hole deeper.. He’s going to encourage it.

Mac. Mac is a good guy, but he’s almost the same as Trent. He hates Jack and Paragon as much as Joe does and he’s all too happy to be on Joe’s team. He’s all too happy to help Joe tear Paragon apart… Everything else be damned.

But none of that helped me to know what I wanted to do, or better yet, how I wanted to do it. I had a feeling in my gut that I somehow needed to find my way onto Joe’s team. I know that GI is going to need help, a lot of it, in order to keep Joe from losing himself completely. Of course, the thought had crossed my mind… How the hell am I going to be able to help in my condition? I just got out of a month long hospital stay…

Joe wasn’t going to welcome me onto his team with open arms.

I knew that. And honestly that hurt. It still does, really. In the back of my mind I know he’s probably just looking at it from a business sense… I’m not 100% and he needs someone else who’s going to be able to fight to the best of their ability but with Joe, I can’t look at it logically. This entire thing isn’t logical. He just doesn’t want me around because he knows that I can stop it.

Stop him.

Or maybe I should say the voice in his head doesn’t want me around for that reason. And he’s listening.

But anyway I was pacing around, trying to figure out how to get that last spot and that’s when it happened, he came out to the ring – and I stopped in my tracks, and watched him. He hadn’t decided on a final member yet or at that’s what he wanted everyone to think… And then someone’s music hit and my eyebrows raised.

Pearl Attlee.

So that’s who he wanted? I slowly maneuvered my way through the crowd, trying to keep the hood on my head as I listened to her talking about whatever it was that she was blabbering about. I knew I couldn’t let her sign that paper he was holding. I couldn’t let it happen.

I pulled out my phone as I made it to the barricade and I texted the stagehand backstage that handled the music and asked them to play my music. Yeah, it’s good to have friends. Maybe if my music were playing it might distract him enough for me to get that paper.

A few seconds later, my music interrupted Joe but after a few seconds he got annoyed and he handed her the paper anyway. But lucky for me, she turned and moved in my direction as I hopped over the barricade. I pull the hood off of my head and I didn’t expect the crowd reaction to startle me but it did and Joe turned around to see me standing there like a child caught with her hand in the candy jar.

But Pearl was too close to me, and she still hadn’t really noticed my presence, so I grabbed her and I pulled her outside the ring before Joe could make a move and… I took her out.

I didn’t want to do it.

I wish I didn’t have to.

But it had to be me. Maybe she’ll understand that, maybe she won’t.

But I had the paper, and I moved away from Joe and her, and I signed it before leaving it on the ring apron and backing away.

I’ll never forget how upset Joe looked.

I’ll also never forget the feeling of feeling like I just lost the man I love because I ruined his match, his big chance to take out Paragon once and for all. My heart sank into my stomach as I backed away, apologizing to him and Pearl… Not that either would truly understand at that point, I wasn’t sure anyone will understand.

I guess that’s why I’m writing it down in here while I’m sitting in this hotel.

I don’t know how I made it out of the arena without anyone catching me, or trying to ask me anything but I did. And now I have to figure out how I’m going to be in fighting shape for Ultimate Carnage… Because I’m honestly not looking to fight Paragon, even though they’re gonna be looking to fight me…

I’m trying to be strong enough to fight my own boyfriend…

…to save him from himself.

 

Date November 22nd 2019 / Time 11:48AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Lee/Wylde Residence – New York City, New York

“Fuck…”

I mutter, squinting into the sunlight as I walk into the bathroom. Guess that’s what I get for staying in bed until almost noon. I haven’t had much to get me out of bed lately, and absolutely nothing to keep me in it.

I’ve been easing myself back into training, but it’s been hard.

Breathing hasn’t been easy. I should have expected as much, even with a surgically repaired trachea and voice box. Every time I get winded, it takes me back to what I remember about the match with Kyra, how scary it was when I couldn’t catch my breath. And in those moments, I regret taking that contract and signing my name onto it.

Not to mention finding out a few days after that our esteemed leader put me into a match against Amber Ryan of all people at the next Chaos… to determine which team gets the advantage heading into Wargames.

I move past the mirror – catching a glimpse of myself and I stop. I lay my hands on the cool counter-top and lean in, my eyes scanning over the dark bags under my eyes, the ghostly complexion of my skin and… the deep pink scar across my throat that stands out on my skin like a sore thumb.

I reach up and run my finger over the raised skin, a chill running down my spine.

“The strongest… against the weakest…”

I whisper, my stomach churning in my gut. Never did I think I’d ever see myself as the weakest but that’s exactly what it is, isn’t it? I’m not stupid. Joe’s got a team of four strong competitors and one lame duck that’s his one glaring, obvious weakness… And I made it that way. Bridges knew exactly what he was doing when he put Amber into this match with me.

He thinks he’s guaranteeing Paragon the advantage in Wargames.

And maybe he is, because she’s Amber fucking Ryan. I may not have ever had the pleasure of facing her, but she’s hard to ignore. I know her accomplishments and I know what she’s capable of… and I know… that this…

I run my hand over the scar again and let it fall back down to the counter-top.

…This is a bulls-eye for someone like her.

But what can I do now? It’s set. It’s going to happen, and I frankly don’t give a shit about who gets the advantage. But I don’t want to die trying to get myself to Wargames. But then again, I did tell Will that I would do whatever it took to try to get my Joe back.

I sigh and push myself away from the mirror, shaking my head.

Who would have known that things would have ended up like this? I sure as hell didn’t. But so be it, I suppose.

 

November 23rd 2019

Today is Kyra’s birthday.

Saw that Jack took her to… Somewhere. On a helicopter. I’m glad she has him, and I’m glad he gives enough of a shit about her to make her feel as special as she deserves to feel. Is it wrong that I feel like she deserves better though? Not because he’s a shit human being, although he does have his moments… I just feel like she deserves to be the priority that she (I’m guessing) has never been.

Then again, look who’s talking.

I don’t have any right to talk, I mean not with the situation that I’m in now. At least Jack is around for Kyra. At least he takes her places and treats her well… From what I see. He takes care of her and Adina whereas I’ve been by myself for over a month now.

Maybe I’m wrong.

I’m definitely wrong.

I guess I’m just trying to distract myself from everything that’s getting ready to happen. Chaos 84 against Amber… Having to face everyone that is on JC’s team, not to mention possibly having to face Joe himself. Wargames… And everything that goes with that.

I don’t know if I can handle it all.

Sometimes I wish I just lived a normal life. Sometimes I wish I’d never come back to wrestling, no matter how much I love it. I’ve seen so much hurt and anguish over the last two years, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to fully recover from it.

But if I hadn’t, I’d never met Maggie. I’d never of met Eden and Gabriel… I’d never of found Joe. And for all the hurt (most) of those people either made me feel or I felt because of them… I don’t think I could bear to live my life without knowing what it felt like to care for and love them as my friends and more than that.

As much as I worry that I’m going to kill myself out there, fighting for someone who I don’t even know if he cares anymore… I know I’m not going to stop. So all of this writing to just come to the same conclusion that I’ve had all along.

Fuck this entire thing sucks.

I hate it.

I wish Joe would just come home and we could forget about all of this stupid, pointless shit.

Oh and Happy 32nd birthday Kyra… You’ll never see this, but I love you.

 

Date November 28th 2019 / Time 3:5PM / Status Not Recording
Location Saint Joe’s Soup Kitchen – New York City, New York

Thanksgiving.

This time of the year always gets me thinking… As cliche’ as it is… It makes me wonder what I’m actually thankful for. And standing here in this soup kitchen, watching everyone… From the volunteers rushing around to prepare the meal, to the poor souls seated in the dining room area, hungry and looking for a little hope, even if just for a little while.

I’ve been here for most of the day, helping out – trying to bring a little bit of peace into someone’s life and fill their stomachs at the same time. Why stay at home by myself all day, when I can do something good. I can forget about everything else that’s going on and everything that’s getting ready to happen in a few days time…

Except it’s not that easy.

As I’m sitting down, taking a short break – I’m doing what I always do, staring at my phone. Scrolling through twitter, seeing if my long lost boyfriend has said anything. Checking my messages, checking my voicemail… Only to find myself disappointed every time.

I don’t know why I’m disappointed anymore.

But today’s a holiday and regardless of how he feels, I know how I feel.

– Hey baby… I miss you. Happy thanksgiving… I hope you’re taking care of yourself. I love you. –

I press send and stare at the message for a few seconds, hoping to see those three dots below it, indicating that he’s replying but no such luck.

“Excuse me.. Miss Wylde?”

I jerk my head up and slide my phone back into my pocket, glancing over at the tiny woman who’s been running this kitchen all day. A true saint, unlike myself – just here on one day a year to keep herself distracted from being alone.

“Yeah? I’m sorry..”

I manage to squeak out as I stand back up and brush my clothes off.

“..Have I been sitting too long?”

She shakes her head.

“Oh, no… Not at all. I sure didn’t mean to startle you. I jus wanted to make sure you were alright, lookin a little sad over here.”

I shrug my shoulders and look out towards the dining room.

“I’m fine.”

Talking has been a real struggle. Half the time I’m not even sure if the people I’m speaking to can understand me. In between working out and training, I’ve been going to speech therapy and they’ve assured me that after some time, I’ll get my voice back. It might never sound the same again, which scares me… but just like everything, I gotta just keep pushing through.

No matter how defeated I feel.

“Hey, they’re fine too, you know?”

She says, stepping in beside me and motioning towards the people I’m staring at.

“Sure, a lot of em have fallen on tough times but they still here and they still workin ta make their lives better. Whatever you got goin on, girl.. I’m sure you be the same way.”

She lightly pats me on the arm and moves back towards the kitchen, yelling out for everyone to hear that the food is ready.

“Come get some!”

I follow her and find a spot where I can help dish out the food, as people start lining up – grateful for a warm meal here today.

So what am I thankful for?

The ability to see my mistakes, own up to them and try to fix them. For the people that I’ve met, loved, cherished… even the ones I’ve disliked.. For showing me things about myself that I may have forgotten, or neglected to see. For all my hardships and my triumphs, for pushing me to try to be a better person, day in and day out. For the resources to make a difference in the world, even if I haven’t made as much effort as I want to in the future.

But most of all, I’m thankful for the ability to love and be loved, regardless of what I’ve been through, to see past the mistakes and wrong-doings of (most) others, and let them know that they are worthy of help… and love.

 

First off, you might want to turn the volume up. My apologies, but I’m still not one hundred percent. Then again, I’d assume you would already know this, Amber.

Part of me wants to hope that you’re not the type of fighter that will see this scar on my neck, and the obvious lack of voice and see a bullseye. But the other part of me, the one that’s been through two surgeries in the last year, one to fix a broken cheekbone and the other to fix a crushed trachea… knows that I shouldn’t be hoping that at all.

I don’t know.

I obviously don’t know you as well as I hoped I would, Amber but I suppose we’re going to get to know each other quite a bit better after Monday night. But from what I’ve seen, you’re the type who earns what she has. She doesn’t take the easy way out. That’s a lot like myself, if I’m being honest.

But some of your associates opinions of me might differ from that, especially after Kyra told everyone the truth about what happened when we were kids. I’ve already spoken about it, but just in case you want to bring it back up, yeah… I ran. I took the easy way out when I was a kid and I regretted it ever since. That’s why I am the woman I am today.

That’s why I don’t back down, that’s why I do my damndest to earn what I have.

Something tells me you understand not wanting your past to define you. We’ve all made mistakes, and we’ve all done things that we wish we could take back… Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this little understand you and I might have will do anything to make us friends.

You don’t like me. You like my boyfriend even less and you disagree wholeheartedly with everything he stands for. I get it and I understand it.

I’m not here to discuss the finer points of The Override’s issues with Paragon.

I’m so over that at this point that I couldn’t even begin to explain it to you. No, what I’m here to do is fight you and do my best to secure the advantage for Wargames in a match that I damn well know I’m not going to win.

Bridges pitted you against me for a reason.

You’re Amber Ryan. You’re a beast. You’re one of the toughest women and fighters here in Carnage and you’re hard as hell to beat from what I’ve seen. No offense to your teammates, but you’re obviously the strongest member of Paragon.

And me?

Come on, I’m a month and a half out of surgery and just a few weeks out of the hospital. I’m obviously in no shape to be stepping into the ring with you, in a no disqualification match nonetheless. I’m no where near one hundred percent, as I’ve said and we both know Bridges wants to all but give you the advantage in Wargames because he wants Joe gone.

And so do you guys… So this match is exactly what all of you want.

That’s fine.

I get it. It’s just a shame to look across the ring at someone like you, Amber… Someone who I know doesn’t want this handed to her… knowing that you’ve all but had it handed to you. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not just going to lay down and let you have it. I made that mistake at Season of the Witch and I’m still paying for it.

So is my sister.

So no, as much as Bridges wants this to be another match like that… That’s not what you’re going to get. We’re going to fight and I’m going to give you everything I have. Not because I care about the advantage but because that’s who I am. I’m fighting for so much more than what this silly match has outlined.

I’m fighting for a lot more than the stupid stakes that have been laid out for Wargames.

I’m fighting for what I love.

Just like I’m sure you’re fighting for what you love.

Except you love Paragon, you love Jack and you love the people who stand beside you and fight that good fight. I love the man you all hate, the man who’s lost his way.. The man who none of you give one shit about because he’s made your life just a little bit more difficult while he’s been lost.

That’s okay though. I don’t expect any of you to understand that. Hell, I don’t even expect my own team to understand, I know why I’m here and that’s all that matters.

I might be a walking, talking target, Amber… But I’m going to be one of the hardest targets that you’ve ever tried to take down. And if you do, good for you. Congratulations. But it’s gonna be a difficult journey to get there.

I hope you’re ready.

I don’t know that I am.

But I will be.

OOC: Word Count: 3420. Good Luck Jazzy! Love you!