November 6th 2019

I don’t know how I can be tired after being drugged up for 12 days but I am.

I don’t even know why I’m writing in this damn thing, not that I don’t appreciate the gifts and the thought behind them… I do, it’s just there’s a hell of a lot going on in my mind right now and I don’t really think writing it down for me to relive later is the best thing.

Then again maybe it is.

I don’t really know anymore.

My throat is killing me. Everything hurts but all I can think about is what I saw when I watched the show and saw what happened. I just keep replaying it in my mind, watching her hitting me over and over, noticing the little details like the blood splatter on the mat, covering her face and her arms until she stopped.

Why did she stop.. That’s the first thing I asked myself.

Why didn’t she finish the job?

I was almost angry. I almost wanted to grab her myself and tell her that she should have just finished it.. But then I saw the look of terror in her face and the way she sat there, staring at me, crying.

What the fuck have I done?

I wanted her to have her revenge, I accepted it and I let her have what she wanted but instead of helping her feel better about what I did – I only helped break her even further. I let her nearly kill me and that’s just another thing she’s gotta live with on her conscience for the rest of her life..

My fault.

It’s so fucked up. It’s all so fucked up and I don’t even have anyone to talk to about it. Who could possibly understand? Who could even grasp what is going on inside my brain.. Joe?

The same Joe I haven’t seen since the night of the concert? Sure, he came out.. He helped get me to the ambulance or whatever.. But he’s not here. I don’t know where he is and frankly, I don’t know that I care. He obviously doesn’t.

I wish he were here. But he’s got some shit going on too and I get that. I just hope while I’m in here, he’s not out there trying to get himself killed like he did against Jack. I hated that match. I hated it with all of my heart. Watching it, I actually felt a little bit of righteousness seeing him using some of the same means Kyra did during our… Match? Could it even be considered a match?

But then I realized how fucking wrong it was and then I just felt sick.

I still feel sick and I can’t even talk to him to make sure he’s okay. I know he’s not. But maybe things would go better than that night in the hotel room. Or maybe they wouldn’t. It’s not like I made anything better through this entire thing.. And now I’m stuck.

He’s not here and I can’t leave here to find him. Hell I can’t do any fucking thing and I can’t even begin to say how frustrating that is.

Mac, Ken and Trent have been here.. A couple of times. It’s nice to know that people care whether I’m alive or dead.

It was nice to see them. But it almost made this more frustrating because the underlying question just hung in the air the entire time… Where is Joe? I hate not being able to answer a simple question like that. Where is my boyfriend? Where is the guy I love? Is he okay? Does he still love me? Is he as disgusted with me as I am with myself?

I don’t know if I’ll get those answers because I don’t know if my Joe will ever come back.

I keep telling myself I gotta put it out of my head because I have to focus on getting out of here. When i’m out of here I can focus on that, I can try to make that right, that and everything else I fucked up lately. I can’t do that from this bed. I can’t do that when I can’t actually DO anything because my throat is literally patched together and I don’t want to die because I was too stubborn to let myself heal. It’s a sobering feeling to have woken up and been told I spent 12 days unconscious, unable to breathe on my own after a beating that I willingly took because I obviously have something wrong in my brain that made me think that was the best thing for all parties involved.

What’s done is done though.

No taking it back.

I’m so fucking stupid.

 

Date November 7th 2019 / Time 12:43PM / Status Not Recording
Location Albany Medical Center, Room 201 – Albany New York

I sigh and lay my head back on the pillow, reading and rereading the exchange between Mac and I. What did I do to deserve the niceness that I’m receiving? Fuck if I know. If anything, every single person in my life – acquaintance or not, should be telling me what a fucking moron I am for putting myself in here.

I mean, Maggie did.. At least in her way. I appreciated that, more than I think she’ll ever know.

It’s not like I’m not feeling the consequences on a near constant basis. I close my eyes and let the pain take over my senses. The burning in my throat from being intubated, from the surgery and from the exam yesterday that told them I was healing… Still have a ways to go, but nothing was off when they looked at the patches of cartilage on my trachea. And that’s not even mentioning the tenderness in my ribs from the same surgery.. Or the splitting headache I’ve had since I woke up… or the cuts and bruises all over my face and arms and God only knows where else.

Or the pain in my chest.. My heart… everytime I wake up and Joe’s not here. Everytime I look around this empty, quiet room… the only sound being the constant beeping of the machines around me.

“Hey, hun… You doin alright?”

Her voice startles me out of my thoughts and I look towards the door, seeing a nurse standing there. Another new face, I can’t keep track of them all anymore. I force a small smile on my face and nod my head.

“Good, do you need anything for your throat? Another cup of water maybe?”

I shake my head and point to the cup of water on the table in front of me, still full of water some other nurse brought me earlier this morning. I know they’ve told me I need to drink and all that… I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve put on that brave face and I’ve soldiered through this as best I can but I just don’t want to anymore.

“Okay, well you just hit that button if you need me, K?”

I nod my head again and look away.

I wish I could scream and cry. I wish I could let it all out, then maybe I’d feel at least a measure of relief but that’s not going to happen. Instead I sit here in silence, staring at the books Sloane and Seb sent – reading a few lines before putting them down – Opening the journals she sent, rereading what I wrote yesterday and wondering if I should keep going.

Sometimes I even pull my phone out and text Joe, hoping that one of these times he’ll respond but knowing that he probably won’t. Then I consider texting Mac, but as desperate as I am for human interaction, I don’t want to inconvenience him or anyone else.. I put myself in here. I made this my reality.. Why the fuck should I drag everyone else down with me?

If I can’t.. Or won’t talk about it to anyone, maybe it is better to write it down and get it all out somehow.

Maybe..

 

November 9th 2019

The more I think about it, the more I wish they’d of let me fucking suffocate. I wish I wouldn’t have woken up at all. Everyone probably would be better off anyway.

What more is there to say?

In here for how long now? Since October 20? Too fucking long.

Yeah I need to heal.

Honestly who really gives a flying fuck about that? Joe doesn’t. I don’t.

And anyone who claims to should rethink that before I ruin their lives too.

 

November 10th 2019

Finally watched Chaos from last week. Jack’s apology? Christ… My sister has got to be out of her mind right now. Of course I don’t really know but if she’s feeling better after what happened, I’d be glad but she’s not there so that doesn’t fill me with confidence that that’s the case.

But anyway, she’s probably still dealing with a lot and he’s more worried about trying to save face instead of worrying about her and her well being. That’s all that is, isn’t it? Just an attempt to make himself look better in everyone elses eyes but honestly who cares?

He’s still an asshole.

But he was right. Telling me I was a waste of skin and that I deserved everything that Kyra was going to do to me was right and now he’s backtracking like a bitch…

I don’t know, I just feel like there’s more important things to worry about than making everyone feel like he’s not as bad of a person as a lot of people think he is. I know I have more important things to worry about than forgiving him for something that he shouldn’t even be asking my forgiveness for.

What about Kyra? Like he said, he encouraged her anger and encouraged her to take everything out on me… Hell I did too. We both should be apologizing to HER for how she feels right now.

How he and I feel don’t fucking matter.

And Joe…

Well at least he’s still alive but if he keeps going the way he’s going, I don’t know if he’ll stay that way. It scares the shit out of me. I can’t get a hold of him, I can’t get to him… And now he’s challenged Jack and his group to a Wargames match? What the fuck is he thinking?

And he put his career on the line against them disbanding?

He’s out of his God damned mind and I’m out of mine.

In the back of my mind, I just know who he’s going to try to have on his side… I just don’t know if those people are the people I want there because they won’t stop him. They’ll do the same thing Jack did to Kyra… The same thing I did to Kyra… Encourage him to tear himself apart for something that isn’t nearly as important as his well being.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to (eventually) retire (For Good) with him… And live out our lives together… happily.

I just don’t know if that’s possible anymore, no matter how badly I want this to work…

Hey, maybe I’m just meant to be alone.

I thought CJ was the one for a long, long time. I thought Maggie was the one for a while.. And this time, I really did think Joe was it and that everything we’d been through together made he and I… Right.

I wanna be there for him but I don’t think he wants me there for him. How much longer can I force myself and my help on him before it blows up in my face again? I can’t do that again. I don’t want to hold him back but I don’t want to be without him.

But I don’t think he feels the same way or else he’d be here… At least I would have hoped he would.

 

November 14th 2019

Was hoping to go home tomorrow, even though in the back of my mind I was wondering how I would get there and what I’d find when I got there… But now the doctors can’t go back in and check out the repair for the last time to discharge me so here I sit, wondering if tomorrow will be the day or not.

Probably not.

That’s been my luck lately.

But hey, one positive is that Will is coming up tomorrow to spend some time here. It’ll give me something else to focus on outside of how fucking alone I feel. Not sure why he really wants to drive all the way up here from Maryland but like I told him, I’m not really in any position to deny some company.

I don’t know, maybe he’s heard from Joe.

I’ve been dreaming about him every night lately. It feels so real. Like he’s actually here with me. I can feel his hand on mine, his lips kissing my forehead… But every time I wake up, I realize he’s not. My mind.. Playing cruel jokes on me, I guess.

Makes me wish I were still sleeping.

But hey, I guess I’ll find out tomorrow if Will’s heard anything and just as important.. I guess I’ll find out if I’m finally gonna get out of here.

 

Date November 15th 2019 / Time 10:15AM / Status Not Recording
Location Albany Medical Center, Room 201 – Albany New York

Relief. I take a deep breath and stare out the window, a cup of water in my hand – my mind wandering as I think about what the doctor just told me a few minutes ago. Everything looked good. It’s healing exactly as it should and I’ll be able to go home tomorrow.

Tomorrow

Thank God. Words don’t really express how badly I’ve wanted to hear those words for the last few weeks.. Not that I have anyone here to celebrate it with anyway. But that’s neither here nor there… I know Will is on his way here, and as for anyone else…

“So, it looks like you’re on the mend after all.”

A familiar voice catches my attention and I turn my head to see Will Prydor himself stepping into the room. I look him over for a moment, watching him as he takes another few steps forward. He looks tired. Maybe it’s that new baby he’s got now, or maybe that drive from Maryland to here that I told him he didn’t have to make. Either way, I get it.

“How are you feeling, ‘like shit’ aside?”

I sit up in the bed and sigh, glancing up at him.

“I get to go home tomorrow”

I reply, my voice coming out soft. Hell, I don’t even know if he can hear me. Jesus… I know the doctor said my voice box would take a while to heal but I hate not being able to speak normally. I guess I should just be grateful that I can speak at all. I shrug my shoulders, realizing that I didn’t really answer his question.

“Other than that, I’ve been better. How are you doing, Will? Thank you… For coming up here, you really didn’t have to.”

Will shrugs with a grin.

“It was either come up here and really throw off the trail of the vultures wanting the Openweight belt, or come up here to give myself some quiet time away from the baby.”

I raise my eyebrows and his grin grows into a small smile. I shake my head.

“Kidding aside, Lucy, you sounded like you needed a friend right now. It’s the least I could do. Tori was badgering me to make the trip unannounced, but I couldn’t do that to you in case you really didn’t want company at the time.”

I shrug my shoulders. I guess I understand the sentiment but… To say I’ve been desperate for company that isn’t employed here is an understatement. I sigh again, trying not to frown while thinking about who I wish were here the most.

“Other than a few visits, I’ve been here by myself so I don’t think I’d of minded either way.” She replies, her lips turning downwards into a frown as she looks away towards the window again.

“Still, better to not butt in where I’m not wanted. I’ve learned that the hard way over the years.”

Will moves slowly around the foot of the bed, taking a seat in the chair by the side of the bed. Instantly his face contorts with discomfort as he adjusts in the chair.

“I’d be better off sitting on the floor,”

He mutters and I roll my eyes.

“You’re more than welcome to trade with me.”

I say, but I don’t think he heard me. I glance back up to him and he’s staring at me, a serious look on his face. Oh lord… I guess the time for pleasantries is over. Why do I feel nervous all of a sudden?

“So, let me be frank here and let’s cut to the chase, shall we? I figure we’re both adults, there’s no need to dance around the topics. Am I going to have to track one Mr. Lee down and kick some sense into his head?”

Well I guess Will hasn’t heard from Joe anymore than I have. Damnit.. I don’t know why I put so much hope into thinking that Will knew where he was and maybe knew that he wasn’t pursuing any of this ridiculous bullshit that I’ve been seeing.. But I was wrong, and I can feel the tears pushing at the corners of my eyes once again.

I feel like a kid. I feel like every emotion is right at the surface, trying to force it’s way out no matter how hard I try to keep it in for the sake of everyone around me. I mean, what do they care that Joe’s absence is tearing me apart inside, day after day.. Hour after hour. To them he’s just a friend.. Maybe a good friend, maybe even a close, dear friend… but to be in love with a man that’s just.. gone? And for no good reason…

It’s a killer.

But Will doesn’t need to see me cry. He needs an answer, so I inhale and reach up – nonchalantly wiping my face of any rogue tears before I finally answer.

“I don’t know, Will. I haven’t seen him since a few days before Season of the Witch…”

I stop and shake my head. That stupid fucking fight. The stupid fucking lies. Watching the back of his head as he left the room, not bothering to look back once… Does Will really need to know all those particular details? Hell if I know… but fuck it.

He’s about to know them.

“We had a fight because he’s decided to stop taking his medication.. And he left. If I weren’t laid up in here, I’d be out there finding him because I know…. I know that he’s going to eventually do something that he’s going to regret…”

Will nods his head, his hands clenching the armrests of the chair.

“Wouldn’t be the first time, Lucy. I remember the same sort of thing happening in NLW once upon a time. He doesn’t realize what he’s pushing away from him. This ‘crusade’ he’s on to stop Paragon? It’s a good idea, but he’s going about it the wrong way. He needs people around him to keep him level, to not let himself give in to his issues. When he loses himself…”

He trails off, the look in his eyes giving me chills.

“…it’s The Ice Man all over again. Ruin knees, try to end careers, all for the sake of being able to say he was right.”

He sighs, dropping his head to look at his legs.

“He’s better than that. We both know it. But it comes back to the old question: how can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?”

“I don’t know.”

I reply immediately. I’ve been trying to figure that out for weeks now. I’ve had so many other things on my mind in the lead up to my match with Kyra and I… I just don’t know. Will’s been there, he’s seen this JC.. I’ve only gotten glimpses, but regardless… I just want to help him.

I just want my Joe back.

And that thought brings tears back into my eyes.

“I’m trying. I love him and once I’m out of here I’m going to do whatever I can to get the real him back… I just don’t know what that’ll be. Especially now that he’s gone and picked another fight…”

Wargames. I just don’t know why he couldn’t leave it alone after that match with Jack.. I mean I do know, because he’s not himself… but Jesus Christ I just wish I was there to smack him and tell him to stop this nonsense because at the end of the day, that’s all it is… a bunch of fucking nonsense.

“Which means you’re probably not gonna like what comes next.”

Will sighs again, finally bringing his eyes back up to meet mine.

“Just back away from it for now. Let him make his foolish choices. Maybe this is what he needs to regain control of himself. Maybe it’s not. I’m not a mental health expert. I just know what I’ve seen in my life, with two of my exes. There came a time where nothing I did would seem to register with them. So I had to step away, let them come to grips with themselves. It took years for one to finally see the error of her ways, right before she died. The other decided a gun to her head was her way out. In both cases, me trying to run interference would have made things worse.”

My eyebrows raise as he talks. He can’t be serious?

Just walk away? Leave him to his own devices? That’s almost more ridiculous than what Joe’s doing right now… I open my mouth to say something and he puts his hand up – it’s almost like he knows what I’m about to say.

“But, to play devil’s advocate to myself…I’m not you. Maybe you’re stronger than I am mentally. Maybe your experiences will get through to him. I don’t know enough to say either way. The best I can do is give you my advice, for better or worse. And then try to get you to laugh and lighten the mood when you’re not expecting it because it gets too melancholy here real quick.”

“Well you do know who you’re visiting right?”

I ask, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. I roll my eyes and lay back on the bed.

“You did see what I let happen to myself…”

I shake my head. Now’s not the time to belittle myself for the sake of it. Everyone knows what happened. Everyone knows that what I’m feeling right now is not only a product of Kyra’s anger but what I allowed to happen.

With a sigh, I continue.

“But… I do appreciate your advice, Will and I’ll be honest.. I don’t know if I can agree with it but I sure as hell respect it. I can’t just stand by and let him ruin himself, even if I end up ruining myself.. Or God forbid our relationship. At least he’ll be able to live with himself afterwards… At least in a perfect world.”

I shrug again. A perfect world. Right.

“And in a perfect world, I’d still be a competitor in Carnage, would’ve lost the world title fairly, and you wouldn’t be in this room at this place and time.”

He replied so fast that it makes me think that all of that has been weighing on him for a while now… And I can’t blame him. He’s got the short end of the stick on more than one occasion and it’s not fair.

None of this is fair.

“Point is, Lucy, as much as I want to be the optimist here, I’ve been kicked down too often by life, The Fates, a nonexistent God or what-have-you to be that way. You’re going to go after him. It’s noble. Just…please, don’t fully delude yourself into believing everything will work in the end. Just remember that there’s always a chance things are going to go pear-shaped, and be ready to deal with it should it come to pass. Optimism has its perks…but not at the cost of blinding yourself to what could happen. If you take any one thing from my old man rambling to heart, Lucy, please let that be it. I truly hope you can get through to Joe. I do. I’m just afraid of what happens to you both if you can’t.”

I nod my head.

If only he could see inside my head.. Just for a second. Maybe he’d realize that he and I aren’t that different after all.

“I’m afraid too, and I know. I know that there’s a good chance I’m walking out of this without him. Trust me, I’ve spent the last… Jesus I don’t even know how long, laying here wondering where he is, and wondering if I’ve already lost him. It’s not optimism, Will. After the last month, I don’t know what optimism is anymore.. It’s just… fact, I guess. I’m going to try my damndest and I accept that it might not be enough, no matter how much I want it to be. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

My chest tightens. It’s hard to breathe. It’s one thing to think these things inside my head, at least I can dismiss them… Hope that I’m wrong, but saying them outloud… that makes it real. Too damn real, and God damnit, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want him to lose himself in all of this…

Will sits up, laying a hand on the bed rail.

“And it’s that realism that’ll see you through it all. You’re stronger than you know, Lucy. And if not, well…I know a couple crazy cat ladies who can give you pointers on how to become one of them. I can totally see you surrounded by a dozen cats and not giving a shit about the world at large.”

He finishes with a sly grin and I can’t help but chuckle, which proves to be a bad idea when I feel my throat throb, reminding me that I’m not out of the woods right yet. I put my hand up to my neck, rubbing lightly over the bandage that still covers the spot that they cut my neck open all those weeks ago.

Ouch.

“Christ… Just kill me if that ever happens. I fucking hate cats.”

He lets out a soft chuckle as well, except I’m pretty sure his didn’t hurt as badly as mine did.

“Then remind me never to invite you to the house. I’ve got three of them now. But enough serious talk. Let’s at least liven the place up a little. If laughing makes you hurt, I should at least try to brighten your spirits and not cause any extra pain while doing so. Apologies for not thinking about that beforehand. So…with Tori’s blessing, and Amelia all but bugging me to, I’ve been ordered to ask…”

I raise my eyebrows in question.

“When you’re better and physically able to…wanna stop by The Aerie one of these days and kick my ass for the amusement of my students?”

I smile.

“I’d like that. I’ve honestly always wanted to help teach others how to do this the right way… And if I get to kick your ass in the process, seems like a win/win to me.”

He smiles in return and sits back in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

“It’s a deal.”

 

November 16th 2019

Well, I’m home.

About damn time.

And surprisingly enough? Joe was there to bring me home… I really don’t know how he knew, maybe he’s been watching my twitter… God knows I’ve been talking enough about it on there for him to know.

He was there, but there wasn’t any hugs, kisses… But he did have a change of clothes for me, so I didn’t have to wear nothing but a hospital gown on the trip.

That’s something, I guess.

But now I’m here, and he’s… well, not. Again.

And that’s not really surprising. My guess is he’s probably headed towards Baltimore for Chaos. I guess he’s got to put a team together, at least that’s what I gathered from what little he said to me.

He probably thinks I’m just gonna stay here and rest.

At least that’s what I was told to do… but I can’t do that. Not when I’m out and I can do exactly what I told Will I was gonna do.

Do I go confront him and get him to cancel this stupid match, keep his career and get him back on his meds? I’m not dumb enough to think that any of that is actually going to happen though.

So what DO I do?

Guess I’ll figure that out on the way to Baltimore.

 

OOC: First and foremost, thank you to Duane for helping me with that piece of this CD! Secondly, thank you to Jim, Ken, Joe, Jay, Mike and Britt for their parts in this story and playing into it on Twitter and in your RPs! Words don’t express how much that means to me! And furthermore, I wanted to do a piece to show what was happening with Lucy between SOTW and the present time, so I hope you enjoy it!