Keep holding on
When my brains tickin’ like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along Mockingbird
You don’t affect me

My dear Lucille.

I still find it to be funny how you somehow thought that in running away from me for all of those years, that you somehow had severed that which has tied us together for your entire life. That tether being the simple fact that you are my daughter, and I, your father. You could never run far enough, that I would not have been able to find you.

You have tried valiantly over the years though, have you not? You have somehow convinced these people that you are somehow a different person – someone who ‘cares’ for others, someone who does the ‘right’ thing. But we both know the truth, don’t we, Lucille?

You are my daughter, after all.

Half of what is within you, it resides in me as well. You and I are one. It is a shame you deny it for the sake of those you care for. It is a shame that none of those people that you deem worthy of your affection truly feel the same way for you. They all see you the same way that I always have.. But deep down you realize that too, do you not?

It has always been this way. I have always seen it in you, Lucille. The desire to be anything but Gary Johnson’s daughter. The desperate attempts to change who and what you truly are. It has all gone for naught though, my child. Your attempts will no longer provide the results that you so desperately seek because while my living form maybe dead and buried… The half of you that holds my essence remains.

You feel it, don’t you?

You feel me here, don’t you?

That’s because you will never be able to truly rid yourself of me, Lucille. But do not worry, I will guide you on the correct path. The path you should have let me guide you on whilst my eyes were still able to see it happen. The path I have always been trying to pull you, force you down.

The only path that a person like you should be trekking down.

And once you get to the end of your journey?

I will be there to greet you. Rest assured of that, Lucille. Not because you deserve it. But because the afterlife will be just as cruel to you as your current one and I will be the sole instrument of your eternal torment.

Come join me, Lucille.

Leave your pitiful existence.

Accept yourself for what you are and make the world a much better, sweeter place in the process.

No one will miss you.

No one will even know that you are gone.

 

That’s right!
Deliver it to my heart!
Please strike!
Be deliberate

Date June 25th 2018 / Time Unknown / Status Not Recording
Location UGWC Synergy – Chicago, Illinois

Maggie and I barely make it through the curtain after our match when we’re both ambushed by microphones and cameras.

“Lucy! Maggie! A word please?!”

Roxy Malone steps in front of us, her eyes intent on herself being the first to get the ‘scoop’ about what just happened out there during the main event of Synergy. To say that I’m not in the mood for any of this is an understatement. Maggie however, seems like she’s ready to have a nice conversation with Roxy about what just happened.

Good for her.

“Yeah, sure. What’s up Roxy?”

Maggie stops and puts on her best smile as the camera pans over to her. I shake my head and stalk past them, wanting to just get back to our locker room and go back home. But as I move past, Maggie’s hand grips my arm.

“Luce?”

“I’d love to get your take on things too, Lucy! Please, stick around!”

I roll my eyes and step back as Maggie lets me go, her lips down-turning into a slight frown. Roxy though, she looks pretty pleased with herself as I cross my arms over my chest, awaiting her to begin her questioning.

“First off, thank you both for taking the time to talk to us; I know you’re both busy women – Especially with Wrestlestock coming up.”

I shrug my shoulders, thinking about Kem laying out there, out cold after Maggie fucked her world up. To say that wasn’t enjoyable would be a complete lie, but to say that I actually cared what happened to that slimey little bitch would be an even bigger lie.

Maggie nods her head, grinning now.

“Busy isn’t the word for it Roxy. So what do you wanna ask?”

Roxy nods in return.

“Well I wanted to ask both of you if your actions out there tonight were.. Revenge for Baals part in your unfortunate kidnapping, Lucy?”

“I, uh..”

Maggie says, glancing over at me.

”Or was it regret in the fact that you didn’t allow me to finish the job, Lucille?”

My eyes widen and I look around at everyone else. Did they hear that? Did they hear that voice? None of them appear like they’ve just heard anything.. Jesus Christ. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, stepping backwards.

“Unfortunate, yeah… Right.”

I didn’t want to be here before, but I was willing to stick it out for Maggie’s sake. Now though? Not so much. So much for thinking that I’d made it explicitly clear that I don’t want to talk about what happened with Gabriel and my father.

“Listen, you can stand here and answer her questions all you want, but I’m out of here.”

“Luce..”

Maggie reaches out again, but I pull my arm away.

“See you later.”

I see her face fall as I turn away, heading towards the locker room.

”She cares more about everything else.”

I nod my head as I push the door open and step inside. I know. Somehow deep down inside I know that it’s true. It has to be. At least I think so.

 

Wait
I’m coming undone
Irate
I’m coming undone
Too late
I’m coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Date June 26th 2018 / Time 1:32PM / Status Not Recording
Location Mount Sinai Hospital – New York City, New York

“Well I have good news, Mrs. Wylde.”

I glance over at the door from the table I’m sitting on, moving my arms around – trying to find a comfortable position to sit in. It’s been weeks now, and the pain in my arms hasn’t gone away. It’s just been a constant hinderance. I haven’t gone a day since the kidnapping without feeling pins and needles in my arms along with the pain. I’m beginning to wonder if my arms are ever going to wake up, or if I’m going to be stuck forever like this.

”Perhaps that’s your sign, Lucille. End it.”

I watch the doctor come in and sit down in front of me.

“What might that be doc?”

He glances down at the clipboard in front of him, reading his notes as he responds.

“Well, your… Match the other night didn’t shift your broken cheekbone out of place. No need for another surgery. You got lucky.”

“It still hurts like hell though.”

He nods his head.

“It’s going to, Mrs. Wylde. You have to let it heal.”

I shake my head.

“I can’t. I’m defending my world title in a little over a week, give or take.”

He sighs and scribbles a few things on the paper in front of him, looking none too happy to hear that I’m going to be going out there again with this bum cheekbone and risk fracturing it again. The way I see it, I was out there fucking Gabriel’s world up days after the first surgery… At least this time I’m giving it a little more time before I risk anything again. I can’t really give much more than that.

It’s just the way it is.

“You know I can’t condone that–”

“I know, I know.. I get it. How about you let me live my life. If my cheek gets busted again, it gets busted again.”

”Or… Do you see those needles over there? Maybe one of them holds something that’ll– you know…”

I glance across the room to see what he’s talking about, sure enough there are needles laying on a cart. I wonder how I didn’t notice them before. I imagine what it would feel like to go like that – under the influence of whatever is in those vials. Maybe it would be painless… Maybe–

“Mrs. Wylde?”

I realize I’m slowly reaching out for them, and I quickly pull my hands back into my lap.

“You told me you had a few other questions?”

I let out a deep sigh and wring my hands together.

“I, uh.. Yeah. My arms. I know you said there wasn’t much I could do with these pinched nerves, but it’s making it hard to do anything on my own, for the shaking.”

He rolls closer and takes one of my arms in his hand.

“It’s hard to tell with pinched nerves. Sometimes rest and heat therapy will help ease the pain until it eventually goes away. In worse cases, surgery might be required to free the nerve. I’m hoping the latter won’t be the case for you, but I don’t see you resting and taking care of this either.”

“You’d be right.”

I say, shrugging my shoulders.

”It’s not as if anyone will care about your little boo-boos once you are gone, Lucille. Remember that.”

When I’m gone. Right. When I’m gone the world will just go back to business as usual.

”Exactly.”

“Uh.. Doc.. One more thing.”

I manage to say before he gets to the doorway to leave the room. He turns around, his eyebrows furrowing as he steps back in.

“What is it, Mrs. Wylde?”

“I… I’m having a hard time sleeping at night. The pain medicine you’ve given me isn’t making a dent in the pain. Is there anyway you could give me something to help me sleep?”

I can’t sleep at night. Be it the nightmares or the pain… Both make it impossible to get any real rest anymore. The doctor sighs and pulls a prescription pad out of his pocket and begins scribbling something down on the paper.

“Sure. Sure. Just take it as prescribed, Mrs. Wylde.”

My eyebrows raise in question.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

”Because you’ve been popping those pain pills like they’re candy. But maybe those… in conjunction with those sleeping pills, might get you the desired result.”

“Shut up…”

I grumble under my breath.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Wylde?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing… Of course I’ll take them as prescribed.”

“And please avoid alcohol while taking these as well.”

I nod my head as he hands me the paper.

“Thank you.”

He turns to leave again, but he stops in the doorway.

“You know, Mrs. Wylde… I can’t help but to think that, with everything you’ve been through in the last month, that maybe seeing a therapist would do you some good. I can recommend you to a few great ones here in New York if you’d like.”

”He wants you to think you’re crazy.”

I am crazy. At least I feel like I am.

“I… I don’t know.”

He shrugs.

“Well, if you change your mind, just give my office a call. Take care of yourself, Mrs. Wylde.”

”All of those pills at once… Lucille.”

I hold up the prescription in my shaking hands and a small smile comes over my face. He’s right. I need to get this filled as soon as possible. Maybe tonight I’ll actually sleep.

”Forever.”

 

Wait
I’m starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I’m coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

“I can’t do this for you, Lucille. You must do this for yourself. For everyone you claim to care about.”

I watch my father pacing in front of me holding a long, sharp knife in his hands, taking a moment every now and again to look down at it, running his finger along the cutting edge. I’m mesmerized by what he’s doing. I cannot turn my eyes away.

Finally, he stops in front of me, holding out the weapon and I take it.

“You must stop denying yourself.”

“What.. What do you mean?”

Before I realize, his hand lashes out and slaps me across the face.

“What do I mean?! Lucille, you may be worthless, but you are not stupid. You know precisely what I mean.”

“Killing myself.”

He nods his head, motioning to the knife in my hands.

“Killing yourself. Exactly. You know deep down inside yourself that the world will be a much better place once you’re gone. You know that your dear Maggie will find someone else, much closer to her age and she’ll live out her days without the hassle of someone as broken and messed up as you are. As for Joseph, he’ll be much better off – being able to work through and fix all of his own issues without someone like you around to halt his progress. You thought you were helping them by being there for them when in reality you were holding them back from what they could truly be. Not only them, but everyone that you’re associated with will be much better off when you’re dead and gone.”

He pulls my hands out in front of me, aiming the knife at my chest.

“You’re boring. You’re lackluster. You’re a waste of flesh. Everything anyone has ever said to you, you know that they were right, don’t you?”

Softly I nod my head as tears form in my eyes.

“Yes.”

“So why continue to fight it?”

“Because.. Because I thought I could be an example…”

He scoffs and laughs as he pushes the point of the knife further towards my chest, until I can feel the point beginning to dig into my skin.

“An example? Let yourself be an example of what to do when you’re no longer useful, Lucille. Please. Don’t disgrace our family name anymore than you already have.”

A tear slips from the corner of my eye and slides down my cheek as I grip the knife harder and begin pulling it into my chest. The sharpened metal slides easily into my flesh, the pain is even sharper – especially when I feel the knife scrape against my sternum. My father continues to stand above me, his eyes boring into me like lasers as he watches me do exactly what he’s wanted me to do from the beginning.

“Yes… Yes. Harder.”

I lose my grip on the knife but another hand reaches out and grabs it before it can fall to the ground.

“Here, let me help you, Luce.”

I look up into the once soothing green eyes of JC – except this time his eyes aren’t calming in the slightest. I can see a fire within them, a seething anger directed right at me. I can’t do anything, I can’t move away, not with this knife in my chest and his hand controlling it.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now.”

My eyes widen and I look down just as he turns the knife and pushes it deeper into my chest.

“You just don’t know how much…”

He leans in, whispering into my ear as I begin crying.

“You shouldn’t cry, Luce. You’re doing us all a favor.”

In one fluid motion, he turns the knife and in an instant, all I can see is white light. I can actually see the pain in strands of red, painted across my eyes.

“Now, be a good girl and die”

 

Choke, choke again
I thought my demons were my friends
Pity me in the end
They’re out to get me
Since I was young
I tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet chocolate gun does not protect me

Date June 27th 2018 / Time 9:17AM / Status Not Recording
Location Baltimore Marriott Waterfront – Baltimore, Maryland

I open my eyes, reaching up to touch my chest where the knife was –

”You’re still alive, unfortunately.”

I sigh and roll over, squinting as the morning sun shines through the window, trying to welcome me to yet another beautiful day. Yeah, right.

“Most people would be happy to wake up.”

”Told you that you should have taken that entire bottle of pills. Eventually you’ll realize I know what I’m talking about Lucille.”

I sit up in bed and shake my head.

“You’d know better than anyone else, wouldn’t you?”

When I don’t hear him respond, I pull the blanket off of my body and slide to the edge of the bed. Of course, talking to someone that isn’t even here isn’t the best way to start my day – Then again, he’s been around for weeks. Convincing me. Persuading me. I’m beginning to see the logic in his point of view, and that scares me.

”It should not scare you, Lucille.”

I roll my eyes and stand up, rolling my shoulders around hoping that one of these times those nerves will just pop loose and this feeling in my arms will just go away like that. But they just continue throbbing, as per usual. At least my face doesn’t hurt as badly as it had in previous days.

“No, dying shouldn’t scare me in the least. Right.”

Dying, it doesn’t scare me. Okay, that’s a lie. It does, but dying and leaving the people that I love.. That scares the absolute shit out of me.

”But you know they don’t feel the same.”

“No, you know they don’t feel the same. That doesn’t change the way I feel about them God damnit.”

Although I’ve not been a very good friend or girlfriend to them lately. I’ve been snappy. I’ve been outright mean. Neither of them deserve that, not after what they’ve done for me in the last month. Yet I can’t stop myself. I could use the pain as an excuse or the… mental strain this entire ordeal has put on me, but none of it makes anything better.

No excuse makes it okay to wall off the two most important people in my life.

The guilt settles in my stomach and immediately I reach down into the fridge, pulling out a small bottle of rum.

”It is nine in the morning, Lucille.”

I twist the top off and take a generous swig.

“As if you care, old man.”

Just as I turn the bottle up to take another drink, my phone starts ringing. Instead of moving for the phone right away, I gulp down half the bottle and put the top back on, dropping it on the counter before finally moving towards the phone on the nightstand.

”I bet you ten dollars that it’s your ‘loving’ girlfriend.”

I roll my eyes as I pick the phone up and answer it without looking at the screen.

“Yeah?”

“Hey Luce.”

How did he know? I close my eyes and sit back down on the bed. I knew she’d call to check in. She knows how difficult all of this is on me, and I’m sure she didn’t like the fact that I wanted to come back to Baltimore on my own to finish off the arrangements for my parents estate. But in my defense, it’s embarrassing to not be able to even sign a document without my hands shaking like a God damned earthquake, let alone being too fucked up in the head to even want to go into their home to clear everything out.

Well that and… The argument we had the other day after Synergy. I’ve tried to keep myself from replaying that in my head over and over again, but much like the ten days I spend in my fathers custody… I apparently can’t help myself when it comes to re-living some of the worst moments of my life.. Realizing what I piece of shit I really and truly am.

“Hey.”

I don’t really know what else to say.

I’m sorry would probably be a good thing. At least I think it would, but I just can’t find the way to say it appropriately.

”Or maybe you just don’t want to say it.”

“How are you doing? Have you left for the house yet?”

“No, just got up.”

“Did you get any sleep last night?”

I sigh and shake my head. As if she can see that. I can feel my frustration growing, and I hate myself for it. She only wants to help, but that’s all she’s wanted to do since she got me home from the hospital a few weeks ago. She waited on me hand and foot and if she knew me at all, she’d know that that’s not something I want.

I guess she figured it out when I told her that I wanted to go home.

I’d rather be by myself and unable to do anything correctly than to be someone’s charity case.. I guess that’s what it really is. I just feel like a charity case when I talk to her. I just feel like I’m her little pity pet, like if she can fix me, then she’s able to fix just about anything.

Well that’s not how I want to live my life.

“Nope.”

“Nightmares again?”

“What do you think?”

I can almost feel her sadness on the other end of the line and it breaks my heart.

”Just say goodbye. That balcony is high enough off the ground that you’d almost definitely die on impact.”

I get up from the bed and walk over to the door that leads out to the balcony. He’s right. There’s no way I’d walk away from that fall.

“Listen, I know you’re dealing with a lot but that doesn’t give you the excuse to treat me like garbage, Luce.”

If I didn’t feel bad before, I sure as hell do now.

“I’ve been there for you through all of this and I’m not going to sit around anymore and let you speak to me like this. I’m fucking sick of it.”

”Just tell her goodbye. Just–”

“Shut the fuck up and let me think!!!”

“Excuse me?”

Oh fuck…

“No Mags, I wasn’t talking to you.. I–”

“Is there someone else there?”

Oh Jesus.. If she only knew.

“No, I.. Fuck.”

“Wow. Don’t like hearing the truth, huh? You told me that I should have been better, and you’re pretty damn confident in telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing all while I’m trying to help you through a hard time – But when it comes to Lucy doing something wrong, you can’t even admit it. Can you?”

I don’t even know what to say.

“CAN YOU?!”

“Maggie, I’m s– I’ve got to go.”

I hear her sigh and then the line goes dead.

Throwing myself over this balcony is looking better and better right now. I’ve done fucked everything up.

”Told you.”

 

That’s right!
Trigger between my eyes
Please strike!
Make it quick now!

Date June 27th 2018 / Time 11:45AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Johnson Residence – Baltimore, Maryland

Why I wanted to come here on my own, I’ll never understand. I think I’d honestly feel better if I were here with Maggie or Joe.

”Well, I’m here.”

“So comforting.”

I reply to the open air as I approach the front door of my childhood home. I notice almost immediately that the door is barely sitting on its hinges. I step up to it, putting my hands on it, feeling an instant chill of what I can only classify as dread.

Of course it makes me smile though to see that the door was practically demolished. That had to be Joe’s doing. It’s kind of weird to stand here in front of this door, knowing that my father’s dead. Knowing, and seeing proof that Joe and Maggie were out here looking for me..

”That asshole.”

I roll my eyes and insert the key into the door, pushing it open.

“You were holding me hostage you asshole. Joe did what he did because he wanted to find me.”

”Or he wanted to make sure you were dead.”

“Then why would he have gotten me to a hospital? Answer that one.”

When he doesn’t answer after a few seconds, I grin at my small victory and I step inside the house. It makes me feel like I’m still in that warehouse. Makes me feel like I’m still a prisoner because he did a great fucking job at making it look just like… this. From the fireplace down to the hardwood floor.. It all looks exactly the same.

My chest feels tighter as I move further into the living room and the smell of his cologne hits my nose.

Why am I even here?

What do I hope to accomplish by trying to sort through all of this shit.. their shit before this house is fixed up and sold? Do I actually have any memories here that are worth salvaging? I’ve got more important things to worry about than what lies within these tainted walls. I’ve got a career, a girlfriend who probably hates me now, a best friend who needs me…

”He did it because he didn’t want to feel responsible for your death if he would have left you there.”

His voice stops me in my tracks.

“What?”

”You heard me.”

I shake my head and move down the hallway, towards my bedroom.

”You’re not saying anything because you know that is the kind of person he is.”

I open my bedroom door and look into the room to see my bed, my posters, my… everything exactly the way I left it when I ran away. I didn’t expect that. I don’t know why, something tells me that I should have, but yet here I stand shocked. Frozen by the realization that he left this house this way for a reason.

“Why?”

”Because I knew that someday you would return. What better place to end it, right where it all began?

I turn away from the bedroom and rush back out into the living room.

“No.”

I move into the kitchen, rummaging through the drawers for something, anything that would help me burn this motherfucker to the ground. There’s no way I’m going to let anyone else move into this hell hole. I’d rather stand outside and watch it burn to the ground. Hell, I’d rather–

”Stay inside and go down with the ship.”

Yes.

Maybe this is where it was meant to end for me.

Maybe Maggie and Joe would be better off if I just burned to death inside this house.

I find a small container of lighter fluid and I feel like a woman possessed as I empty the entire contents on everything within sight. I have to. This is what has to be done. Once the container is empty, I toss it down on the ground and go in search of a match…

But as soon as I find one and put the head to the striker I hear a soft knock on the front door. I whip around and drop the match, like a child that’s just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Who in the fuck could that be?

”Ignore it.”

I ignore him and slowly move back into the foyer and open the door slowly, revealing a little old lady who looks just about as awkward as I feel right now.

“Can I help you?”

“I-I saw the light on, and I wondered if Gary and Christine were back. They’ve been gone for a long time.. W-who are you?”

I sigh and shake my head.

“Gary and Christine aren’t coming back.”

“But.. Wh-What happened? Are they okay?”

I can’t do this.

What the fuck was I thinking?

“No.”

I reply, stepping out onto the front porch and pulling the door closed behind me.

“They’re not okay.”

She continues questioning me as I make the walk back to my car, but I ignore her. I cannot believe I was ready to burn this place down with me inside. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need to get out of here. I need to find something else to do that doesn’t involve arson or ending my own life…

”You can try…”

 

Wait
I’m coming undone
I’m irate
I’m coming undone
Too late
I’m coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Date June 29th 2018 / Time 2:21PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Sanders Residence – Oakland, New Jersey

Nearly an hour and a half to get here and I’ve been sitting here in my car for another half hour, trying to figure out what I’m going to say when I finally do get out and make my way up to the door. I’ve seen first hand what not having Stacy around has done to JC… Joe. He doesn’t try to show how it affects him, but I can see it.

I guess that’s why I’m here.

At least partially.

The other part; well.. I feel bad. I feel bad for the way I’ve treated him over the last few weeks. It’s not the way someone should treat the people who have helped me deal with the fallout of what happened before the Melee.

”They don’t care about you. Just leave.”

I sigh and lay my head back on the headrest. Maybe I should leave. I mean, it’s not my business. This is Joe’s marriage, his relationship – what right do I have to interfere in it. I don’t even know if he even wants this. But why wouldn’t he?

Come on… I know this is what he wants.

”He wants you to leave him alone… He wants you gone, Lucille.”

Maybe so.

Maybe if I talk to Stacy, figure out how to help him.. Then I can…

”Rid them of your presence…”

“Yes…”

But first I need to do right by my friend.

”He’s not your friend. Never was.”

I open the car door and exit the vehicle, my stomach doing backflips as I walk up the driveway. If I can at least do this for him, try to get her to see how fucking stupid she’s being – then I can disappear and no one will be the wiser. Hell, maybe I’ll come back out of here and step out into traffic..

Lucy Wylde, tragically mowed down by a passing motorist… She didn’t survive.

I try to push my thoughts to the side as I get to the door, knocking as I turn around to look out at the road.

”Just do it now, Lucille. You know you want to.”

I watch the cars flying past and I step back towards the road. Joe should take care of his own problems. It’s not up to me to make his wife come back. Especially since I’m merely an annoyance in his life.

“Lucy?!”

Her voice startles me and I turn around, leaving all thoughts of stepping out into traffic behind when I come face to face with Joe’s wife, Stacy. She doesn’t exactly look thrilled to see me.

“Hey, Stace.”

“What’s going on? What are you doing here?”

She pulls the door in tighter on her body, as if she doesn’t want me to see inside the house. Honestly, I could probably care less. I’m not here to critique her sisters decorating skills.

“I–”

“Is Joe okay? Did something happen?”

I put my hands up, trying to quiet her so I can actually say something.

“No, he’s fine.. Well as fine as he can be, I guess. I just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes, if you don’t mind.”

I watch her eyes, scanning over my face; all the way down to my shaking hands. I wish I could get them to stop shaking – Actually, I wish I could get the piercing pain from my shoulders all the way down to my fingertips to stop. I could deal with the shaking if the pain would just go the fuck away.

“You look like hell, Lucy.”

If that isn’t obvious. I sigh and bring my hand up to my still bandaged face.

“Yeah, I know. Trust me, it looks worse under this bandage.”

Two surgeries, two fights… I wouldn’t be surprised if I never get rid of the scars or what I like to call mutilation. I can barely look myself in the eye anymore without seeing that warehouse, or his face hovering above mine – laying hit after hit, forcing his hand over my mouth – trying to suffocate me.

I close my eyes for a moment as I feel my heart rate rising. Fuck…

“What happened?”

I shake my head.

“That doesn’t matter. Can we talk?”

She looks away for a moment, obviously thinking about if she should even let me in. Can’t blame her. I look like I’ve just been through some nefarious shit and I wouldn’t want to expose my kid to that either. I step towards the door, trying to look as innocent or as nonthreatening as I possibly can.

“Listen.. I’m just here to talk. Nothing’s going to happen if you let me in. I promise.”

She still doesn’t look certain, but after a few seconds she lets go of her deathgrip on the door and lets it open up, motioning to me to come in.

“Yeah, come in.”

Before she can change her mind, I step through the threshold of the home and immediately I hear the familiar cooing of Lizzy from another room. My stomach clenches inside my body as I round a corner to see her playing in a playpen. I move towards her, leaning down on one knee, looking into the playpen at that beautiful baby.

“Hey Lizzy… Auntie Lucy is here…”

For a fleeting moment she glances up, looks me over and goes back to playing with.. Whatever it is that she’s playing with. It’s like she doesn’t even recognize me. But then again, I guess that’s not really that surprising since it’s been months since I’ve seen her and it’ll probably be months before I see her again…

Unless…

”Unless you do what you’re should have done before, Lucille.”

I close my eyes and stand up, shaking my head.

“So..”

“What do we need to talk about, Lucy?”

I turn around to see Stacy sitting down on the sofa and I nod my head, taking a seat across from her.

“Yeah.. I guess first I need to apologize for my part in your issues with Joe.”

Her eyebrows raise in question as she purses her lips together.

“Yeah well, I’m not quite sure what you’d like me to say. I don’t know why the secrecy in the first place. I thought I was your friend too, Lucy. I would have tried to help you in anyway that I could.”

I look down at the floor and nod my head again.

“I know. But I figured that if you knew what he’d tried to do that night in Baltimore that.. Well, this would happen. And I didn’t want him to lose his family for me, to get vengeance for something that happened to me as a kid.”

I never asked him to run off to Baltimore and try to hurt my father after I told him about my childhood, but he did – and I guess I’ll never understand why. Why he’d sacrifice his happily married life to take out revenge for something that he had just learned about.

“I get that, but–”

“He needs you at home, Stacy.”

She shakes her head, peering across the room at the baby.

“I can’t do that.”

“You’re worried about your safety, I get that.”

“Do you?”

I scoff and point at my face.

“Did Joe–?”

I roll my eyes. I can’t even believe she’d immediately think that.

“No. Fuck no, Stacy. My father did this. Your husband saved me. He got me away from him when I was..”

Her eyes widen.

“When you were…”

“Dying. I was dying. Joe saved me. He and Maggie found me and they got me out of there before I ended up just like my father. You shouldn’t be worried about yours or Lizzy’s safety around Joe… He couldn’t hurt you two even if he wanted to.”

A tense silence settles in between us as she takes to looking out the far window. I can tell she’s thinking about what I said, and wondering how much of it she can believe. I feel like I’d be waiting forever if I decide to sit here and wait for a response. Instead I lean forward in the chair and stare her down until she finally looks back at me.

“You’re lucky Stacy.”

“Lucky?”

“You’re one of the luckiest women I know. You’ve got a man who would do anything to protect you. You’ve got a man who loves you more than anything. If CJ had of loved me as much as Joe loves you… Well…”

I shrug and look down for a moment. Yeah. If CJ would have shown me how much he cared instead of closing himself away… Things might not be the way they are right now. But I don’t know if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing. Either way, I envy Joe and Stacy.. It’s just a shame that Stacy doesn’t realize what she has.

“Point is, he loves you and that little girl. For you to leave him in his moment of need, that’s selfish.”

Now she moves forward in her chair. I can see the anger on her face.

“Selfish? I’m looking out for our daughters well-being Lucy! You wouldn’t understand that.”

“Oh no, I understand it perfectly. I just think it’s ridiculous. He was there for you through all of your issues. Yeah, the pills. I know. Did he ever abandon you when you needed him?”

Her mouth opens slightly, but she doesn’t speak.

“No? I didn’t think so. If I’m being blunt, you’re a moron if you think that man would ever lay a hand on you or that baby. He’s suffering without you there. Without you both there. You two are the things that keep him going and how do you ever expect him to get better without his support system? Even the strongest people can’t do it without someone behind them.”

“And what about you?”

“I’m no use to anyone, Stacy. That’s not the point though, is it? The point is that you need to go home. You need to be with your husband and help him because you are what he needs. You and Lizzy.”

She sighs and runs her hands through her hair.

“I don’t think our personal life or my personal decisions are any of your business, frankly.”

My eyes widen and I bring myself to my feet, shaking my head in disgust. I can’t believe she doesn’t see it. I can’t believe that she doesn’t realize that staying away from him is doing him more harm than good. I take a step towards the door. I know when I’m no longer welcomed.

“Fine. You’re going to do what you want anyway, but he needs you both. He can’t keep going without you. It’s pitiful that I can see it… and you can’t.”

With that, I leave – closing the door a little too hard on my way out.

I take a deep breath as I stand on the porch, staring out at the same traffic that I was before I went in.

”You tried Lucille. But you should have known that you couldn’t help him… You can’t help anyone… At least not in the way you were hoping.”

As I walk back down to the car, I can’t help but to agree. I can’t help them. I’m no good to any of them, and that’s why they’d be better off without me here.

I look both ways before stepping out into the lane of traffic, and I see a car heading straight for me.

I could just step out right now.. And there’s nothing they could do to avoid me… They’ve got to be going at least 45 miles an hour.. That should be enough to kill me, right? Just do it Lucy. Just put an end to this miserable existence.

But I don’t move.

The car drives right on by.

”Wimp.”

 

Wait
I’m starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I’m coming undone
What looks so strong, so delicate

Date July 7th 2018 / Time 12:51PM / Status Not Recording
Location New Orleans City Park – Wrestlestock Open Day 3 – New Orleans, Louisiana

”Why are you doing this?”

Sneaking around the backstage area of this show is difficult enough without a fucking voice in my head trying to question my every God damned move. I’m trying to get around here without anyone noticing me, but that’s obviously hard since I’m the world champion… And the girlfriend of the Cross-Hemisphere Champion who’s defending her belt here tonight in a little bit.

“Shut up, will you?”

A few backstage workers glance in my direction but I just keep on moving. There’s no use to try and explain myself, as if I would anyway.

Finally, though, I see the person I’m looking for. The man in charge of our entrances. I make a beeline for him, nearly scaring him out of his seat as I kneel down in front of him, trying to keep a low profile just in case Maggie is out and about, preparing for her big match.

“Hey, I have a favor to ask… Did Maggie Lockheart happen to let you know that she wants a different entrance music for tonight?”

The man nods his head.

“Yeah, I have it right here.”

I slip a different disk to him.

“Play this one. I have a surprise for her. Please?”

”She doesn’t care. She’s not even going to care that you are doing this. You two haven’t barely spoken since last week.”

I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I know. I know she and I haven’t been on good terms, but I have to do this. I have to do something to show her that I’m not the gigantic asshole that I’ve been proving myself to be lately…

“Will you?”

He takes a moment to think before smirking and nodding.

“Yeah. I’ve got you, champ.”

Relief rushes through my body. I reach out and pat his shoulder before getting back up and moving away.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.”

”You are hopeless.”

I am. I know.

 

I’m trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like I’m not getting better
Not getting better

So, here the fuck we are.

Wrestlestock.

Last year, I main evented day three as the Cross-Hemisphere Champion and now this year, I get to watch my girlfriend do the very same thing. Last year, life was different. That’s for damn sure. Last month, I beat Gabriel Baal for the World Championship after weeks upon weeks of mental, emotional and physical torture and I stamped myself a ticket to the main event of the entire Wrestlestock festival.

Yeah, you did too – Kem. Congratulations by the way. I never really got the chance to say that to you after your big Massive Melee win. So that makes you a Wrestlestock Open winner AND a Massive Melee winner, Huh?

Two huge career accomplishments that I haven’t even done.

Good for you.

No, really. Good for you.

But let’s call a spade a spade, alright? You came into the Melee in the twenty-ninth spot. You got just about the best draw that you could have gotten and you capitalized on it. You did what any of us would have done in your spot and now, no one can take that away from you.

But that’s kind of your thing, isn’t it? You capitalize on others misfortune. You manipulate the system and you rack up those wins anyway that you can. Others might agree with your way of doing things, but not I. You see, I don’t need to hide away until everyone else is beaten and tired to ‘steal’ the wins. I don’t need people like Alan Wallace to assist me when it comes to getting wins.

Nope. I do it the old fashioned way. I work my ass off.

So no.. Kem.. A win isn’t a win. It does matter how in the fuck you get it. Mainly because you come to moments like this. These career defining moments and guess what? Everyone is looking at this match the same exact way… Can Kem actually use that rarely used talent of hers to beat Lucy Wylde for the UGWC World Title? Can Kem do this herself without choking? Can Kem prove herself to Lucy and the rest of the UGWC by standing up like a woman and earning what she wants without a God damned assist?

I don’t think you can.

You wanna know why?

Because you’re not fucking ready. You’re not fucking ready for a challenge like me, Kem.. As much as you may tell yourself that you are, trust me – You are no where near as ready as you think you are. It’s all fun and games when you’re running your mouth over twitter, or standing in the same corner as me in some useless six man tag team match… but those fun and games end real fucking fast when you step into that ring across from me and realize that this is real. This isn’t some fantasy, Bitch.

I’m going to hurt you.

I’m going to show you what a real champion looks like and spoiler alert – It’s not you.

Face it Kem, the only thing you really won when you won the Massive Melee was the humbling of a lifetime, and I’m all too happy to give that to you and send your ass packing right back to the end of the line where you belong.

The difference between you and I, Kem is that I’ve paid my dues. I’ve shed the blood, sweat and tears that give me the right to stand exactly where I am as the World Champion. Sure, you’ve got some notable victories and like I said before – I can’t take them from you but while you eared this shot at me, you haven’t paid what I’ve paid. You haven’t given what I’ve given to this business and until you do – you won’t be hoisting that belt, or any belt up in the air at the end of a match. In my experience, when a Dynamo has to pay for anything in blood, sweat and tears… They fail.

Yeah, I had to bring your father into it. You knew it was coming.

I’ll give you credit where it’s due. Winning the Wrestlestock Open. Winning the Massive Melee… You’re proving that you’re outliving your father’s legacy, but when it comes to your toughness, your tenacity.. Well, you are your father’s daughter, I suppose. Neither you or your father have shown that either of you have what it takes to be a champion. Yeah, I know your father has held titles, but has he really held them?

Will you really hold that first title when you eventually win it? Because let’s face it, if Sarah Lacklan can win a belt, you will too.. It’s just not going to be from me.

There’s a big difference though, Kem – between the Massive Melee and competing for the world title. The melee isn’t as intimate as two people staring across from one another, under the hottest lights, on the biggest stage… Let me tell you right now, you have to be the best Kem Dynamo you can be under all that pressure. You have to be the best you and you have to know going in that your best, well it might not be good enough. Do you have what it takes to navigate those waters, Kem? Can you live with the knowledge that no matter how much you do or how much you bring to the table – that it might not be enough to beat me?

That’s a lot of pressure for someone who earned a title shot by winning the Wrestlestock open a few years ago, lost and disappeared until just a few months ago.

Tell me, is that Kem Dynamo going to be the one in the ring with me in a few short days? Or is one of your other personalities going to show up?

Maybe the one who thinks I’m a monster.

Maybe the one who thinks I’m not such a bad person after all.

Or maybe the one who thinks I’m the princess of the UGWC?

I just wish that the woman who shows up on day four of the festival is a woman who can actually make whatever accusations she’s going to make and actually STICK to them. You change your opinions and your accusations as much as you change your underwear Kem, and it’s tiring to deal with. You don’t like me? Fine. Fuck you too. I could care less.

You’re a piece of garbage in my book. Just like your piece of shit father. And believe me, I’m going to feel the same exact way a week from now, a month from now… Hell, even a year from now.

That’s why I don’t believe a God damned word you say. That’s also why I don’t respect a damn thing about the person that you are, Kem. It’s hard to respect someone who unapologetically bashes me for months without even knowing me. You know what’s funny though? It’s amazing how your tune magically changed after you won the Melee and you realized who you’d be facing for the world title.

That was your ‘oh shit’ moment, wasn’t it Kem?

That’s okay. We all saw it. And I’m so glad it’s me.

The ‘Princess’ is still on top of this mountain and now you’re going to pay up for all the shit you’ve said about me. Are you ready? Are you ready to put your money where your mouth is, bitch? Are you ready to take on a challenge unlike any challenge you’ve EVER faced? You honestly haven’t been here long enough to truly understand what it’s going to be like to go one on one against THE Lucy Wylde.

You can ask anyone else who’s faced me. It’s not easy. Especially when a title is on the line. I worked too God damned hard to get here. I lost three world title matches before I finally won it. I held the Cross-Hemisphere Championship for the majority of my first year here. I had to lose it in order to get to where I am now.

I had to lose those three world title matches to get here too. So please, don’t come into Wrestlestock and think that you’re going to beat me without one hell of a fight. From where I’m standing, you don’t even understand what hard work is at this point. Sure, you’ve lost big title matches, much like your old man, but that doesn’t mean you hold a candle to the amount of work I’ve put into being one of the very best that the UGWC has to offer. You still have a lot to prove here. Just like I did when I first came here.

There’s a reason I’m where I am.

It’s not because I half assed my way here.

It’s not because I boasted all over twitter about how much I’m ‘trying’ for all of my matches.

It’s not because I got everyone’s approval.

It’s because I did what I had to do and I didn’t worry about what everyone else thought about me while I did it. Do you think it was easy to go out there at the Massive Melee after everything that Gabriel put me through and STILL get the job done? Why don’t you go ask him how it felt to be beaten by someone who was NO WHERE near one hundred percent? Why don’t you ask him what it felt like to be at his best and still not be good enough?

That’s your future, Kem.

Your best isn’t going to be enough against me.

You will prove why – just like your daddy… you can win all the meaningless clusterfuck matches you want, but when it comes to the big prize… especially when you see whos standing across from you inside that ring and you realize what it’s going to take to beat someone like Redemption or like me… you’re going to realize how out of your element you truly are.

Sorry, not sorry Kem.

You asked for this and I’m all too willing to give you the ass beating of your life, not because of what your last name is – but because you’re just a shitty human being.

I’ll enjoy putting you down, right where you belong.

You like to call people monsters.. or play victim when they call you put on your bullshit. Did you ever stop to think that you’re the monster? Always changing your personality to try and lull the rest of us into a false sense of security.. trying to fit in with the rest of us so that you can plunge your dagger deep into our backs, huh?

No, Kem. I’m not a monster. But I will be when I step into the ring with you. Not because I’m evil… but to you I am. Because I see through your bullshit. I see who you really are underneath all of your many facades.

A fake.

A loser.

And most importantly, my next victim.

Let’s see how long you last after your next devastating loss under the big lights.

 

Wait
I’m coming undone irate
I’m coming undone too late
I’m coming undone
Wait
I’m starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate

OOC – Maggie & Stacy used with permission.  Lyrics from “Coming Undone” by Korn