Date January 9th 2018 / Time 12:17PM / Status Not Recording
Location Blue Bottle Coffee – New York City, New York

(Continued from ‘New Year, New Me’)

”Lucille.”

The blood in my veins runs cold at the sound of a voice that I haven’t heard in years. I drop my arms to my sides and turn my head to see another man, leaning on a cane as he stares coldly into my eyes.

“Is that how you should be talking about your parents?”

I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now. I can’t believe that they’re here right now. This can’t be real. I can’t be looking into the faces of the people I ran away from almost fifteen years ago. A lifetime ago, it seems… Well, until this very moment. The memories, the feelings, the resentment, the fear all come rushing back – and I can’t even bring myself to open my mouth in their presence.

In his presence.

I pull my eyes away from them, bringing them back down in front of me, practically gluing them to the table as I watch his shadow sway on the tablecloth. It brings me straight back to a childhood where I saw this very same thing all the time. Hovering over me. Waiting for me to make one wrong move. Waiting for me to simply exist the wrong way… Any excuse to throw me or Kyra across the room, as if he needed one to begin with.

“Lucille, I’m speaking to you.”

I know. I know and I can’t speak back. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. At least I don’t think I would. I shouldn’t have wanted this meeting. I should have just left it all alone. Like anyone reads the USA Today anyway.

Wait a minute…

This meeting…

How in the hell would they have known that I’d be here today?

I slowly raise my head, my eyes meeting Mr. Hills. He told them. He probably squealed to them the moment he got off the phone with me. Couldn’t handle the prospect of getting us into the same enclosed space together, especially with how ‘high profile’ I am, and how much respect he’d get for being the one who broke the story about me being such a ‘terrible’ daughter.

“You told them?”

I manage to squeak out, while trying to avoid the two people still standing to my side. I can feel his eyes burning into my skin, searing into my soul. Hasn’t he taken enough of me as it is? How much more of me does he want before he’ll be content to just leave me alone?

“I-I told them that I was meeting you here today.”

I reach out and grab the napkin in front of me, squeezing the life out of it; my hand shaking. I walked right into my worst. fucking. nightmare. How stupid can I be? Haven’t I learned anything about trusting those who don’t deserve it?

Obviously not.

“Why.. why would you do that?”

Hill opens his mouth to answer, but his voice cuts him off.

“Because I told him to contact me if you contacted him, Lucille.”

Instantly all my insides feel like they’re shriveling up. I can’t be here. I can’t do this. Not now. Not ever. Everytime he says my name it makes me want to curl up into a ball and… die. The way he places emphasis on the ‘cille’ part of Lucille, the way his voice goes down an octave as he says it… He might as well be telling me to go jump off the nearest high rise.

Never have I hated my name so much.

I stand up suddenly, pushing the chair out from behind me, a loud screech accompanying it and along with that, the attention of everyone in our immediate area turned right onto me.

“Where do you think you’re going, Lucille?”

Away from here.

Anywhere but here.

I finally let go of the napkin, letting its crumpled carcass fall to the table as I grab my bag and turn away from my mother and father, and the asshole who gave me to them on a silver platter.

“Lucille. Lucille, don’t walk away from your father.”

Her voice, it stops me in my tracks. The woman who never once spoke up for me or Kyra during our childhood. The woman who never once thought about getting herself, or us away from him… Here she is speaking up, telling me not to walk away from him… I stand there for what feels like an hour; willing myself to keep going… To walk away from that spineless, worthless, sack of flesh… and the man who turned her into that.

She can’t defend us, or herself… But she can defend him?

“Lucille?”

She asks. It’s like she doesn’t even know how to appear like she’s in control. She’s watched him for long enough, I’d have thought she’d of picked some of it up by now. I turn back around, finally bringing the portals of my soul up to meet hers. Except her’s don’t hold any soul at all. I don’t know if they ever did. Maybe he sucked it out of her after all these years. Maybe that’s what I would look like too if I wouldn’t have run away.

I shudder thinking about it. I slide my hands into my pockets, hoping that the warmth will ease the chill I get from her eyes. My fingertips run over the cool plastic of my phone instead. My lifeline to the rest of the world, and those who care.. Those who would save me from this, or at least try.

I think of Maggie and how much I need her warm embrace.

I think of Joe, and how much I need him to use one of two of those big boots of his.

I think of Kyra.. and how I haven’t talked to her for weeks – and how terrible I feel for poking fun at how she feels about the man still standing at that table when I’m standing here feeling that same intense fear, that same immense need to just disappear.

I try to think about the things, and the people who make me happy. People who helped make me into more than the sum of what these two worthless pieces of shit did to me.

But instead of turning again and walking away… I stay still. My eyes stay locked on my mother as he sits down in the chair I was occupying.

“That’s a good girl. Now come on, let’s sit down and talk, Lucille.”

 

Date January 16th 2018 / Time 11:50AM / Status Not Recording
Location Skinner’s Loft – Jersey City, New Jersey

My nerves are frayed. It’s been a long, long week full of good and bad. Normally though, I’d of done drowned myself in a few bottles of whatever I could get my hands on. I’d of just numbed myself to forget about the negatives.

But now I can’t afford to forget the positives. I can’t afford to forget the happiness, despite the negative things that others want me to feel. I can’t numb the bad stuff without also numbing the great stuff too. It’s just not worth it anymore. The price is just way too high. Contrary to the fact that a week ago I saw my parents in the flesh for the first time in about fifteen years, contrary to the fact that I know that I’ll be fighting Gabriel at Infinity in a few weeks time, and that I’ll be facing Alan Wallace in less than a week for my Cross-Hemisphere title… I’ve got a hell of a lot going for me now.

How could I let insignificant shit like that get me down?

Considering my best friend just walked though the door, and he looks like he’s just been through hell. Hell being trying to find parking around here. I can’t lie, seeing that reaction gives me a small sense of amusement – even in light of how nervous I feel about our lunch here today.

“Joe!”

He glances up, following the sound of my voice until he spies my waving hand. He sighs, running his hand over his head as he approaches the table. It’s funny how he can be so stressed out about something that’s supposed to be fun.

“Must be nice to find parking around here.”

I shrug my shoulders.

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to have lunch over here. We could have done this in New York.”

I reply, tilting my head with a shit eating grin on my lips. We could have totally done this in my neck of the woods; with much worse parking and much less room to move around.

“God no.”

He says, shaking his head vigorously as he sits down across from me. I sit back, grabbing my glass of water – yes, water – and I take a sip, feeling rather pleased with myself.

“I’d rather be here any day. That day we came over to your place…”

He shudders. I shrug my shoulders again. He acts like New York is so bad.

“I have no problem finding parking around my place.”

“Well it is your place.”

I love Joe and the different tones of his voice. Half the time I think he’s bordering on frustrated, while the rest of the time I think he’s attempting sarcasm. There really is no in between with him. I guess that’s part of his charm… That or I’d just rather be on his good side, knowing what he’s capable of when he’s angry. Well now that just makes it seem that I’m only his friend to not get murdered – and that’s certainly not true.

We obviously care about one another. Enough that we feel guilty when the other gets attacked and we weren’t there, or couldn’t get past security to aide the other. Enough that he’s brought up my drinking problem, and I’ve brought up his anger problem. The best part is that we’re both working on it – maybe not just because of the others suggestions but because we respect each others opinions enough to take them seriously.

“You’re jealous, I can see it in your eyes.”

He scoffs and I can see a faint smile on his lips.

“Yeah. You keep thinking that. I’ll stick with my actual house with an actual yard. Not to mention not having a billion people within three feet of me and my family.”

“I think you’re exaggerating, just a little.”

“Whatever. I don’t have exact numbers.”

The waiter comes and gets Joes drink order and the two of us settle down; looking at the menus for a few moments, letting silence overtake our small little piece of this cute little restaurant. I glance up and over my menu, watching his eyes as he reads his different options and I hope that he’s not feeling nervous about being here with me. I guess what he saw on Twitter between Maggie and I might have shocked him a little.

Don’t be stupid, Lucy. I’m sure it shocked everyone.

“So…”

I look up and he’s got his menu down on the table and his hands cupped together on top of it. I guess it’s time to get down to business.

“So..”

I reply softly, setting my own menu down on the table, trying not to let on that I’m nervous as all hell. Shit, I’ve been nervous since he said something on Twitter. I never realized how hard this kind of shit is for other people, mainly because I’ve never had anyone who cared enough about me to actually ask me about the other decisions I’ve made in my life. I didn’t have parents to grill me about marrying CJ. I didn’t have anyone really, to question me on that. I wonder what would have happened if I would have had someone like Joe to tell me that CJ was a dick and I shouldn’t entertain the thought of pledging my life to him.

“What’s going on… between you and Maggie?”

Hearing her name makes me smile. CJ who?

“What do you mean, Joe?”

I ask facetiously, knowing that it’ll frustrate him that I’m intentionally being so dense. What can I say? I’m a pretty great friend – but I do get a bit of enjoyment out of fucking with those that I care about. But all I get in return is a look; a look that I know very well.

I sigh, rolling my eyes. Just once I’d love it if he played along with my bullshit. It wouldn’t hurt him to. Just one damn time.

“Fine, fine. What’s going on? Honestly, I don’t really know. She makes me happy.”

He nods his head.

“I guess I mean how did this all come about? I didn’t know that you were–”

He stops mid sentence, obviously to think about what he’s going to say next. I don’t bother letting him finish that thought though, because that’s what best friends are for, right?

“I didn’t know either. I mean it doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“No, not really. I don’t know. I was just surprised.”

“You and me both.”

He thinks it’s surprising to find out that his friend likes girls. He hasn’t really thought about what it’s like to be me at this point.. I never thought about it until that night that she kissed me. Even then I instinctively thought it was wrong. It took time for me to realize that gender means nothing – it’s about being happy. But I’m also not naive enough to believe that everyone thinks that way.

“Listen, this isn’t going to affect our friendship… Is it?”

I don’t want him to be one of those people though. I don’t want him to look at me any differently than he did before he saw all that shit on Twitter. I am the same Lucy. For better and for worse. I’m still the woman he’s chided many times for drinking too much. I’m still the woman who doesn’t listen very well, and I still have that pesky drinking problem – it’s just a bit easier to manage now.

The only true difference between the Lucy he’s known up until the end of 2017 and the Lucy he now knows here in 2018 is happiness. .

“Seriously?”

“Joe, I… I don’t know.”

“Don’t ask me that again. You already know the answer.”

I shake my head.

“Maybe I just want to hear it from your mouth, damnit.”

“If you’re happy, then what do I have to say about it?”

I smile and grab my water again.

“I am happy. Happy enough that I’m not currently sipping on something with booze in it.”

“I noticed.”

I nod my head, taking a quick sip before placing it back down on the table between us. I think about it everyday when I wake up, I wonder every single morning if this will be the day that everything comes falling down around me again – and then I get a message or a cute little tweet from her and I realize that this time is different. She’s different.

“Considering the conversation Stacy, you and I had on Christmas – I figured you’d be pleased.”

That wasn’t a fun conversation.

If only I wouldn’t have made that joke about giving Lizzie a kegerator for Christmas, then maybe Stacy and Joe wouldn’t have started up again about my drinking problem. Telling me that I needed to get help because I was going to end up killing myself because of it.

The shit they said really resonated with me. It made me really stop and think about what I really wanted in my life.

“What you guys said that night.. It helped me realize that I should be looking for happiness, not feeding my sadness, or my anger. That’s what helped me realize that I’m happiest when I’m with Maggie… and that instead of letting go of our friendship over a kiss, that maybe I should let go and let things happen as they may.”

He looks shocked.

“All of that from what we said?”

“Mostly. I mean it’s nice to have people that care. I’ve never really had that, until people like you and Maggie came into my life.”

“Well, I do care. We care.”

My phone rings and I look down; at it – seeing her name on the screen. I can’t control the smile as I lock the phone again and look back up into Joe’s eyes.

“It’s honestly a little weird seeing you happy though.”

I laugh. If he thinks it’s weird for him…

“I feel you. It’s weird not looking at the world though the eyes of a miserable drunk. Although there are those out there who will never see me as anything more than that desperate, miserable alcoholic.”

There is plenty out there to make me feel negative at the moment. There’s still people who don’t want me to be happy, and people who enjoy tearing me down at every turn. It’s a conscious choice everyday to shut those people out and to just focus on those who want me to be happy.

“They don’t matter.”

“No they don’t. But I’ve got my own special plan for them…”

I reply with a smirk. He couldn’t have thought that I was just going to let them go, after all the shit they’ve put me through? He’d better know me better than that.

“Really now? Do tell.”

 

Date January 18th 2018 / Time 8:01AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Lockheart Residence – Inwood, New York

“Lucy..”

I hear her soft voice near my ear, her hot breath moving the hair around in front of my face, tickling my nose.

“Hey beautiful.”

I open my eyes to see those turquoise hues staring into my own. The more time I spend looking into them, the harder I find it to pull myself away from their magnetism. I sit up on the couch, finally pulling my gaze away from hers and putting my hands over my eyes – wiping the sleep and the hair from them before she notices how terrible I look in the mornings.

Last thing I remember from last night was Maggie and I talking about the shop. Her shop. We sat here on the couch for hours; discussing what it must have been like back in the day when the Paper Street Tattoo Company was called the Inwood Corner Barber Shop.

One day a few months ago, me and her employees were helping her empty out the third floor of this building and we found a box of things from that shops time. I saw her face when we discovered that box. It was like she was looking at a treasure chest full of gold and jewels. She was looking into the past, back to when a man who obviously means something to Maggie ran this shop – back when everything wasn’t so complicated.

Of course; there was nothing complicated about us sitting there together – my hand running through her hair as she laid her head on my lap. There was nothing complicated about the way she fell asleep, and the way it felt to feel truly needed. There was nothing complicated about how relaxed I felt as I drifted off to sleep right along with her.

And there’s not a damn thing complicated about how it feels waking up to see her face again.

“Did you… get any sleep last night?”

“Why?”

“Every time I rolled over I realized that you were still sitting up.”

“Oh.”

“You couldn’t have been comfortable, with me laying all over you like that.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

“Seriously?”

She comes to sit down beside me. I reach out and grab her hand.

“Honestly I’ve never slept so well.”

She squeezes my hand softly and smiles over at me. It’s not often I (or anyone) gets to see Magdalena Lockheart smile – which is a damn shame. Of course that makes it even more special when she does, especially when I’m the reason for it.

“Remind me to fall asleep on you more often then.”

“Something tells me I won’t have to remind you.”

There’s something so comforting about being here with her. There’s something so wonderful about feeling so damn happy and content – sometimes I wonder if it’s all just a really cruel dream. Just like last week, seeing my parents again. There are somethings that I’d rather get out of my head and there are some that I’d rather never forget.

“Is there something going on, Luce?”

She said looking up into my eyes quizzically.

“I’ve never seen you act like this before. I know that we haven’t like, known each other that long or whatever. But something just feels like it’s off about you. Is everything okay?”

“I..”

I don’t know what to say. I didn’t even realize that I was acting in anyway that would set off any alarms for her. I guess that just goes to show how much she does care. I open my mouth to speak again, but she’s already speaking again – her eyes filled with concern.

“It’s not me, is it? Because if you want, I can get up and go do other things. You can stay here and just rest as much as you want. I promise you that nobody will disturb you.”

The thought of her getting up and leaving sends my stomach into knots.

“No.. No.. Don’t leave. It’s not you, God… It could never be you.”

“Then what’s going on, Luce?”

I sigh and rake my hands through my hair.

“Have you ever felt like things were so perfect and you wished that they’d never end?”

She smiles softly and nods her head.

“Sometimes they almost seem too perfect.”

“Since the other day, you know… I know I didn’t really give you a lot of details about what happened with my parents; but it really got me thinking.  I just keep wondering if this dream is going to end and I’m going to wake up just as miserable as I was before.”

“Well luckily this isn’t really a dream. Unless of course you are still sleeping. But me? I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s a relief to hear her say that, but I still feel the tears stinging at the corners of my eyes. I feel her hand on mine, as I try to blink back the tears. Part of me doesn’t want to talk about them – my parents – but part of me knows that keeping things from her will only hurt both of us in the end. The lack of communication is what killed my marriage. I don’t want it to kill this too.

“They fucked me up, Maggie…”

A tear pushes its way out of the corner of my eye and I wipe it away with my free hand.

“I don’t really know how else to say it. And seeing them the other day… seeing him the other day… Jesus it scares the fuck out of me.”

I feel like a child, and I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling like this weak little girl, especially in front of her. Especially in front of this woman that I care about so much. I don’t want to burden her with my problems, not when things are supposed to be light and fun. Not when we’re supposed to be enjoying each others company.

Will she still want me around when she knows everything that happened to me?

“Hey, it’s okay. I know what it’s like to be scared. I understand. But you’re here with me now, okay? You don’t have to be scared with me.”

 

This business is all about firsts. First match, first championship, first win, first loss… You get the picture. This week is another first for me. One on one with Vain Wallace. Something I’ve been looking forward to for… Well, since I signed with UGWC. Of course I’ve looked forward to every first I’ve had since coming here – well, besides the losses.

Who wants to lose?

You know what? Nevermind. The losses are a pretty valuable lesson in of themselves, wouldn’t you agree? I can’t say I look forward to them, but I do look forward to the lessons and the motivation to get better. But why am I sitting here talking about losses when I started 2018 off with a win against Pierce, Deimos and Somers? Like I said a week ago, three former world champions, three men who have made a name here in UGWC in their own special ways.

Also three men that I beat.

Granted, a triple threat, or a fatal four way – they’re not the same as a classic one on one, wouldn’t you say? There’s nothing quite like an even playing field; two people with the same goal going at it with no extracurriculars, no extra people, no interference – figuring out who’s the best in the most basic way.

Vain, I know you’re one of the best around here. I know that everyone else underestimates you in the worst way. I’m not one of those people. Believe me or not, it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because you’re coming for my Cross-Hemisphere Championship and the two of us are going to give each other all we’ve got in order to attain the prize. By all means, Vain – bring it. Bring it all. Bring your entire arsenal. I’ve never wanted anything less from any of my opponents and I never will.

I can’t speak for anyone else when I say this, I can only speak for myself. If I’m to stay the Cross-Hemisphere Champion, I want to stay by beating the best. I want to continue being champion because I earned that spot. And if you end up beating me? You’ll have earned the shit out of it because I’m not letting this belt go without a fight. But you already know that, don’t you?

We’ve gone up against one another before, twice. Granted both were in triple threat matches. You, me and Rogan was the first. You, me and Jessica Mathis was the second. But there was always someone else to interfere in what could have been magic between us, Vain. There’s no use in crying over what didn’t happen, because now we get our chance to finally show everyone what they were missing out on.

We’ve faced the same people. We’ve beaten the same people and unfortunately we’ve lost to the same people. To me, we’re on pretty even footing heading into this week. I don’t know whether you agree with that assessment or not, but I don’t really have time to figure it out. You’re going to go out there on Monday and you’re going to do what you feel you need to do in order to win the Cross-Hemisphere Championship again. On the other side of that coin, I’m going to go out there and I’m going to do whatever I feel is necessary to keep you from doing that.

You’re a good man, Vain. You’re a good man and you’re a great fighter. I respect that. I respect you. We’re surrounded by people who don’t appreciate us for what we really are. I’m sure you feel it. But I’m not entirely sure you give a shit. I used to. I guess I still do sometimes, since I’m so fond of bringing it up every chance I get.

I’m not a hard woman to figure out.

At least I don’t think so.

I’m human.. I have feelings. I make mistakes and I pay for those mistakes. You could use my eagerness to trust Gabriel against me, I wouldn’t blame you one bit. You could use my willingness to trust that Eden had changed her ways against me, again, I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve given you and everyone else around here plenty of ammunition to use against me. So please, by all means – use it all. That is what ‘by any means necessary’ means, right?

But that’ll be where we differ, Vain.

You see, I’m willing to go out there and exploit anything I can about you… as a wrestler. I’m willing to show you up inside that ring, whether or not you believe that I can – well I guess we’ll find out in a few short days. But I’m not willing to drag your personal life into this. I know I have done that to others in the past, and as an imperfect being, I’m sure I’ll do it again. It’s not fair to judge a fighter on who they are outside the ring.

I’ve been judged so many times for the person I am on Twitter, or the person I am behind the scenes. I don’t like it. But as much as I don’t like it, I accept that others really don’t give a flying fuck about it. So like I said, do what you’re going to do, Vain.

But do me a favor, hmm?

Do it good. Do it better than good. Do it the best that anyone has ever seen because you only get one shot. At least for now. Don’t squander this one shot away by holding anything back. It would be a pity if I stepped into that ring and found that I was facing a shell of the man who beat Killian King in that Valhalla Burial match.

I don’t really think you will though.

I know you want this belt. I know you want to move on and get out of the shadow of the man you once called a brother. A man you once shared the Cooperative Championships with. Or have you already moved beyond his shadow? If I’m wrong, I apologize – but I guess you’ll just have to prove it to me.

And to everyone.

I’ll see you Monday, Vain. I’ll be the one out there in the spotlight, finally unhindered by the shackles that once held me back and the shadow of a man who I once cared about. Finally unaffected by the judgements of a certain court. It feels good. Come and join me, touch up that tan of yours.

Let’s dance, honey.

I’ll be waiting.

 

OOC: JC & Maggie used with permission!