OOC: This CD RP Leads directly into Jack Michael’s RP for WAR – At least the 2nd scene does.

Date July 1st 2019 / Time9:01PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Carnage Arena – Parking Lot – Baltimore, Maryland

I’m done.

I’m just so fucking done.

I didn’t even want to be here tonight, let alone sit out in the fucking parking lot of the arena doing commentary of all things. But Jack wanted to. Wanted to let everyone know that ‘Paragon won’t stand for what happened two weeks ago at Underground’. Whatever.

Whoever attacked us and wrecked the entire ringside area will be back, regardless. No one makes a statement like that and then disappears into thin air. Being here made no difference, and by the time the show was winding down… I was sick of listening to Terra and Jack blabber at one another.

It’s fake. It’s phony and I’m not fucking listening to anymore of it.

“Kyra!”

I hear Jack yell from behind me as I’m flagging down a cab. I keep my back to him, ignoring him. Maybe he’ll get that I’m not in the mood to talk about my outburst just a few minutes to go… or anything for that matter.

A cab pulls up in front of me and I reach out, grabbing the door handle – only to feel someone grabbing my shoulder.

“Kyra…”

I roll my eyes and stop.

“What?”

He spins me around and I glare up at him. What about me leaving and ignoring him did he not understand? I can see the confusion in his eyes, but I can’t find it in myself to give one flying fuck. My own anger outweighs anything he could possibly portray right now.

I know he doesn’t understand.

If I just told him.. If I just told him what’s been eating at me lately, he’d understand a lot more. But I can’t. I won’t. I feel disgusting enough as it is. I don’t need to look into his eyes to see his disgust as well.

“I… I was wondering what was that all about in there? You went off like a skyrocket on Terra and you just don’t seem… Normal.”

I roll my eyes and and shake my head.

“Normal”? No offense Jack but you don’t have a fucking clue what normal is. I’m just so sick and tired of hearing the bullshit from all these people and yet you sit there and forgive them like nothing is wrong. As far as I care, fuck Terra, fuck Harry and fuck everyone else who thinks like them.”

Honestly, fuck anyone who doesn’t have to live with what I’ve lived with every God damned day. Fuck everyone who has a ‘normal’ life. Fuck everyone who doesn’t dream about the terrible things they’ve gone through… and fuck everyone who has had a life without things that terrible.

Jack just stands here, staring at me for a few moments.. Making me grow more impatient with him the longer he stands there. What’s so difficult with what I said? Finally, he sighs and looks down at me, his eyes softening.

“Baby doll… We can’t lead without allowing for forgiveness. Terra apologized for doubting me. For doubting the validity of the passion we stand for. She may not agree with everything we do but we can’t throw someone to the wolves for the sake of our feelings being hurt. We all have to learn and grow… And we all deserve second chances in this world.”

I bow my head, trying to hide the stinging in the corners of my eyes.

And this… this is why I refuse to tell him.

“Yeah… Well maybe some of us don’t.”

Because I don’t.

I don’t deserve a second chance. I don’t deserve a normal life, a peaceful existence. I don’t deserve Jack. I don’t deserve Adina. I don’t deserve any-fucking-thing.

“What… What do you mean?”

I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest, and the ache.. The unbearable ache of the pain I’ve been carrying around and the inability to just break the wall down and tell him. And the fear. The fear of being judged for what I came from, for what I’ve been through.. I don’t think I could bear that again.

Before I say anything I regret, I shake my head and sit down in the cab – trying to swallow the lump in my throat before I get sick everywhere.

“Nothing. I’ll see you later.”

I glance up at him once more as I slam the door and tell the driver to go.

I have to get away from here.

From him… before I say something I can’t take back.

 

Date August 4th 2019 / Time2:05AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Michaels Residence – Las Vegas, Nevada

“Hey… Baby girl…”

I whisper to her as I kneel on the floor, running my fingertips along the side of her face. She sleeps peacefully, and eventually I sit down on the floor beside her bed, just listening to her soft, peaceful breaths.

Jack thinks I don’t know what’s going on with my own kid. He thinks I don’t care. What he doesn’t know is that I’ve been here nearly every night for weeks now. She might not know I’m here… but I am.

It’s hard to explain. The entire thing is.

I know Jack is sleeping just down the hall. Why don’t I just go lay down with him, let him hold me.. let all of this go and try to go back to living a normal life?

Why not?

It would be so simple. He’s upset. He’s grown more upset over the last few weeks.. I can tell by each phone call and every voicemail he leaves. I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t… But if he knew what having Lucy around again was doing to me. If he knew what was running through my mind on a near constant basis… he’d understand why I can’t be here. He’d understand why I only come here in the middle of the night to see my baby… when she’s not awake to ask me why I’m not around.

What am I supposed to tell her?

Because sweetie… Mommy is going crazy. Mommy doesn’t deserve you baby girl. She doesn’t deserve an-

“Mommy?”

Oh shit…

I look up at the bed to see two tiny little eyes staring sleepily back at me. She yawns and sits up on the bed and in an instant I’m back up on my knees, running my hand along the side of her face as panic begins to set in.

“Hey you..”

“Where you been at Mommy?”

And as if I didn’t feel shitty enough, the sadness and the guilt rise up in my throat again at the thought of trying to explain to this little girl where her mother has been for weeks.

Sparing her the pain of having a terrible mom? No… looking her in the eyes now, I ain’t sparing her shit. I’m just a terrible mom. A horrible example.

It’s just.. I don’t know.

“I…”

I start off, trying to piece together my thoughts as quickly as I can, but coming to no true and clear conclusion.

“Uh.. Mommy’s had a lot of stuff to figure out baby girl. I’m sorry I’ve been away.”

She nods her little head and rubs her eyes.

“I’m so sorry honey.”

“S’kay Mommy.”

I shake my head.

Its not okay. None of it is.

“Mommys gonna do better.”

I don’t know how. But even if I’m not fit to be her mom. I am. Even if I feel like the dirt beneath the feet of everyone in this house because of what’s inside of me… that doesn’t change the fact that Adina is mine to care for.

She doesn’t know I’ve been here at night. But I’m not gonna use that as a cop out. I can’t.

“Is you staying?”

My eyebrows raise.

“I.. Maybe not tonight sweetie. But I’ll be back very soon okay?”

I can’t face Jack right now. What in the hell would I even say? Sorry honey. My Dad fucked me up real good when I was a kid and now my sister being back has drug up a LOT of bad memories that I can’t shake. I’m ashamed of what I am, who I am.. what happened to me… I’m ashamed of it all. Sorry I couldn’t stick around and talk it out. Just needed time to sit by myself in hotels and drink myself into oblivion after seeing my daughter every night.

How fucking stupid does that sound.

Adina nods her head and looks down at her hands. Disappointed. I know she is. But I try to plaster a smile on my face and I stand up, laying her back down and pulling her blanket up over her chest.

“You go back to sleep okay? I’ll be back soon. I promise.”

She yawns again and nods.

“Kay Mommy.”

“I love you. So much.”

“Loves you too…Mommy.”

I lean in and kiss her softly on the head before backing away and opening the door a crack to make sure no one is up before sliding out of the room and making my to the staircase.

Check down stairs… no lights on. Good.

Slowly creeping down the staircase, seeing my exit in sight…

“Kyra?”

…

Jack Michael’s RP: “Life, Love and the Battles we fight…”