Date October 19th 2018 / Time 7:04PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Johnson Residence – Baltimore, Maryland

(Continued from ‘Happiness is.. Fleeting’)

I’m as real as ever, Lucille… You know you should really listen to your little.. Partner this week. Unless you really do want to come join me.

In an instant my eyes fill up with tears and I find myself on the ground in the doorway of the house. I bring my phone out of my pocket and with shaking hands, I dial a number and put the phone up to my ear.

“Come on… Come on…”

Please answer…

Please..

“Luce?”

“Joe.. Joe…”

“What’s wrong, Luce? What’s going on?”

“I’m hearing him again… I..”

I sniffle and shake my head.

“I’m not okay… I don’t know what to do…”

“Okay.. Okay… Where are you now?”

He asks, and I can hear the slight bit of panic in his voice. Maybe it’s concern, or maybe it’s both. I don’t know. I guess he remembers the last time I heard the voice and what I tried to do…

“In.. In Baltimore.”

“Baltimore?”

I nod my head, although the only one seeing anything is whoever’s limbs are sitting behind and across from me in the living room and I’m almost sure he or she doesn’t give one shit that I’m nodding my head.

“Yeah.. I.. I had to come down here because someone dug my father up and the police needed to see me.”

Silence.

I guess I kinda expect that anymore when I say half of the shit I say. What can he honestly say to that? Also, who else has shit like this even happen to them at all?! Seriously.

“And.. they advised that I come to the house to make sure all was well here… and Necron was here waiting for me… With my father.”

“Oh Christ… That’s about as Emo as it gets.. Walking around with dead bodies.”

He sighs heavily on the other end of the phone and immediately I feel bad for even calling him to begin with. He’s got so much other stuff to deal with other than me and my stupid problems.

It’s about time you realized that, Lucille.

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. Ignore it. Ignore it… Ignore it…

“I’m sorry, Joe.. I shouldn’t have–”

“Like hell you shouldn’t have. Listen, I’m going to be there.. Give me some time, alright?”

My eyes widen.

“You don’t have to do that.. I’m okay.. I just freaked out when I heard his voice again.”

“And you came to me. I’m not going to leave you alone.”

“But–”

I stop myself. What is my counterpoint going to be? That I don’t need his help? That I don’t need someone right now.. Well that’s just ridiculous and that’s lying. I do need his help, I don’t really know what for.. Maybe just to keep me here.. In the real world. Maybe to figure out what to do with this house, and what Necron left me with. I don’t know. But I do need him… So why should I deny him?

I know what denying him got me the last time.

Oh, you don’t need him Lucille. You and I need to talk anyway.

“Okay.. Joe. You’re right.”

“I’m coming. Just give me a little bit.”

 

Date October 19th 2018 / Time Unknown / Status Not Recording
Location The Johnson Residence – Baltimore, Maryland

Lucille. You cannot ignore me forever.

I pull my knees up closer to my chest and shake my head. I sure as hell can.. I’ve been doing it for however long it’s been since I got off the phone with Joe and I can keep doing it too.

I can do this.

It’s not real. It’s not real.

Just remember what Doctor Itzkof told me.. Breathe. Breathe and clear my mind. Breathe, clear my mind and if that doesn’t help.. Call someone. Don’t deal with this alone. Don’t let my mind take me to the same place I was in before… Don’t give in.

You know, Necron was right. You really should join me, Lucille.

The voice sends shivers down my spine, even more-so than I’m already feeling inside this cold, unheated house. Sure, I could have went back out to my car.. But–

But I didn’t want you to.

I look up from my arms and shake my head.

“That’s not why I stayed in here.”

Not ignoring me anymore?

“Leave me alone. You’re not real.”

His laughter makes the hairs on my arms stand up.

Oh, Lucille. Stop trying to change the subject because you didn’t realize that you’d stayed in this miserable house because I wished it.

Fuck.

No. No. That’s not true. He’s only trying to make me second guess myself. I stayed in here because.. Because..

“Oh shit…”

Can’t figure out why else you’d want to sit around in here?

I shake my head.

I told you.. Just like I’ve told you about everything else and I’ve always been right, haven’t I?

“No.. Just.. Just fucking leave me alone! I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Then you know what you need to do. Your blood would match nicely with what’s already all over the walls, don’t you think?

I glance up and into the living room where I can barely make out the outline of the blood splatters on the walls.

See?

I lay my head back against the wall behind me as my chest begins tightening.

“You’re not going to do this again.”

Do what, dear daughter?

“You damn well know what you son of a bitch.”

I swear, I don’t. I can’t believe you’d accuse me of steering you in the wrong direction, Lucille. I’ve always had your best interests at heart.

“Bullshit.”

I reply, scoffing as the tears begin streaming down my face again.

“I’m not going to let you convince me again.”

Why? Because you’re little lover boy is coming? What if he isn’t? What if he only told you that to get you off of the phone because he’s BUSY with the FAMILY that you’re trying to ruin, Lucille?

“I’m not trying to ruin anything!”

You are and you know it!

“I AM NOT! I love him but I’d NEVER do that to him or his family…”

Kill yourself Lucille.. Do it before you ruin anymore lives.

“NO! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!”

I scream out, slamming my head back into the wall over and over until I start seeing stars in front of me. Suddenly I feel a pair of hands on my shoulders, pulling me away from the wall.

“Lucy!”

At first I pull away, I can’t see who it is and I can’t really trust that it’s anyone with any good intentions at this point.

“Lucy, it’s me! Hey!”

Finally, I recognize Joe’s voice and I stop struggling to look up at him. He looks tired and worried. More worry that I caused him.

All you do is cause him pain…

“No.. no I don’t…”

“Lucy? Hey… don’t listen to him.. Just focus on me. Focus on me.”

He puts both of his hands on the sides of my face and turns my face up at him.

“All I do is cause you pain…”

I cry, trying to turn away but he holds me gently, not letting my gaze waiver from his in the slightest.

“No, you don’t… Lies. Lies intended to make you hurt yourself, Luce. Don’t listen.”

All you do is inconvenience him. Him and Magdalena.

“No…”

His grip tightens as I start crying harder. It’s too much to bear.. It’s all too much.

“I don’t want to hurt you… or her…”

“Lucy… Lucy!”

Lucille….

I put my hands on his, trying to pull them away from my face.

“Just.. go.. Don’t let me ruin anything anymore…”

He only firms his grip even more as he brings his face closer to mine and I can feel the heat radiating off of him, even in this frigid house.

“You do not ruin anything. You’re perfect, Luce.. You’re not the problem that he wants you to believe that you are. Don’t listen to him… Don’t believe him.. Believe me..”

I feel his fingers in my hair and this thumbs softly wiping away my tears as I shake my head. I don’t deserve this… I don’t deserve him, that much is for damn certain.

“I want to…”

“Then do it. You can, Luce. Only you can.”

You’ll always be a failure…

I squeeze my eyes closed, forcing a new set of tears out onto my face – His words cutting me deeply even though I know that I shouldn’t listen to them.. It’s so damn hard not to. It’s hard to ignore it when it resonates so much with everything I’ve almost always felt about myself.

No matter what I’ve accomplished, no matter what I’ve won or earned.. I never thought it was good enough to earn me the love that a normal family would have given me.. Let alone the love I continuously receive from people like Joe.. the real victims in this story. Those who have to somehow deal with how utterly and completely broken I am underneath that mask of confidence that I always wear.

“Why.. Why am I like this?!”

I ask as my body trembles with every sob.

“There’s too much wrong with me…”

“Luce…”

He tries to keep his voice calm but I can feel the sadness there.

“I’m too fucking broken.. Too fucking broken to be loved.”

“Then I guess I am too…”

My eyes widen as I look up into his, his hands having remained around my face until that moment when he lets them slide down to my shoulders, softly reaching up and pulling my wet hair out of my face.

“Just because you’re broken doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve love, or to be loved. What happened to you, what you went through.. The things you’ve done don’t qualify you for that Luce… What’s in here…”

He points at my chest with one hand and as I look down at his hand, he lightly places his finger under my chin and lifts my face up to meet his again.

“That’s what makes people love you.”

We stare into each other’s eyes for a few moments, my entire body tensing up with his proximity. I pull in a shaky breath and let it back out, reaching my hands up to hold his.

“Yeah.. If I can’t see that…”

Homewrecker.

“Especially when I look into your eyes..”

I sigh and let him go, glancing around him at the dark room behind.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

“But.. I need to–”

“We can deal with what Emo’s-R-Us did later.”

He grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet. Once I’m standing in front of him, I move forward and wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

“Thank you for always being here…. I don’t deserve you, Joe.”

I say, burying my face in his chest. I feel his arms move slowly around me, gradually relaxing his stance until I feel his chin resting on the top of my head. If we weren’t standing in my childhood home, blinded to the murder scene in the living room in the freezing fucking cold… This would be a nice moment.

What the fuck am I thinking.. This is still a nice moment.

“You’ve always been there for me at my worst.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to–”

“No, I do that because I…”

I can hear his heartbeat pick up and I nod my head.

“I know..”

 

Date October 23rd 2018 / Time 9:45AM / Status Not Recording
Location The Office of Doctor Irene Itzkof, MD – New York City, New York

To say the last four days haven’t been hard would be a bald faced lie. That night back in Baltimore is still fresh in my head, replaying it over and over in my mind – and hearing my fathers commentary on it each time doesn’t help.

It’s not my fault you’ve let the stress of it get to you, dear Lucille.

I close my eyes and shake my head.

“Fuck you…”

“Lucy?”

My eyes open and my gaze darts to Doctor Itzkof sitting down behind her desk.

It’s also not my fault that–

“Is everything okay?”

I start to nod my head, wanting to play off what I’m feeling right now.. Wanting desperately to keep myself from admitting that I’ve decidedly taken a few steps backwards since last week when I’d gotten that phone call from the Baltimore PD.

I can’t do that though, can I?

I stop nodding and I sigh.

“No. It’s not okay.”

Her eyebrows raise in question.

“I take it things didn’t go well this weekend?”

I shrug and look downwards at my hands.

They went perfectly, didn’t they Lucille?

No…

“No… I’m hearing him again.”

“Your father?”

I nod my head and look away in shame. So much progress, undone. So much hope.. For nothing, at least that’s what it feels like right now.

“I see. Well, if I may.. You did seem pretty upset and stressed after the phone call you received the other day.”

I roll my eyes.

“Oh, you have no idea.”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

I sigh.

I knew this was coming, I mean that’s obviously what therapy is for, right? Talking and working through shit.. No matter how badly you’d like to wish it all away.

“Right.. I went down to Baltimore to talk to the police about what I told you last week. They didn’t have any leads on who may have dug him up.. Or why. But honestly I didn’t care. I was only there because the police requested it. Because I’m the only possible person to take care of shit like this, I guess.”

She nods and listens intently. I’m surprised she’s not already having a field day writing shit down in that book of hers.

“Kyra has washed her hands of the entire thing, just like I should have after everything happened. But I didn’t.”

“Why would you imagine you didn’t? Especially after everything your father put you through?”

Because my Lucille loves me. Don’t you?

My stomach twists in knots and I shake my head.

“Are you hearing him now?”

I nod my head.

“He’s saying it’s because I love him.”

“Do you?”

I shake my head and laugh.

“You’re kidding right? The man who abused me.. Nearly killed me.. Pushed my mother to the nut house, estranged my sister and I.. No. I fucking hate him. I hate him more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my entire life.”

She nods her head.

“And that’s why I didn’t give one flying fuck about someone digging him up. But the police wanted me to drop my their residence and make sure everything was okay before I headed back to New York.. and again, I had to stop myself from asking them ‘who gives a fuck?’ But I didn’t. I went over there just to appease them and what did I find?”

The doctor shrugs her shoulders.

“I don’t know.. What did you find?”

“A fucking body snatcher in my parents living room with my father’s dead body. How’s that for surprise?”

Her eyes widen.

“It’s okay, I didn’t really know what to say either. I just stood there like a bumbling idiot instead of just turning and running the fuck out of there. But it’s like Necron said.. Sure I could leave but it wouldn’t have been in my best interests.”

“Wait.. you knew him?”

I sigh and nod. God I hate admitting that.

“My partner for Synergy yesterday. He wanted to get my ‘attention’. Wanted us to discuss a few things and I guess digging up my father was supposed to extradite that process. I don’t know. But it freaked me out. I can still see it like I’m still there.. The walls painted with blood. Body parts laying everywhere.. Necron holding my fathers partially decomposed head in his hands, turning those empty eyes towards me and saying things that… that only my father would say.”

Correction, Lucille.. Things that I have said.

“Shut up..”

I murmur, forgetting for a moment that a doctor is closely watching me.

“That sounds… very unsettling, Lucy.”

“You think?”

I snap at her, instantly regretting it as I stand up and begin pacing around the office.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t meant snap at you. It’s just.. I was standing there and then I heard him. First time in over a month… and I freaked out. It felt like every stride I’ve made just fell out from under me.. Every step forward was met with two steps back. I couldn’t get him to shut up… I can’t get him to shut up… But.. that night.. I did what you told me to do.”

She smiles softly.

“You did? Did it help?”

“I breathed.. I told myself it wasn’t real and that I was in control.. It didn’t help. I could feel myself wanting to give into him again. Anything to get him to stop… but I didn’t I called someone for help.”

“That’s great Lucy. You may not think it now, but reaching out in that time of need.. That’s a huge step forward, even in the midst of this small setback.”

I know that. I thought that that night after Joe and I had left the house and we sat in my car for a while, just talking. He told me the same thing. Reassured me. Let me know that I did the right thing by not letting him guide my decisions anymore.

“Yeah… Joe told me the same thing.”

Her eyebrows raise again.

“You called Joe?”

“Yeah.. when I was sitting there on the floor after Necron left, hearing my father’s voice.. I felt like there was only one person I could call. I didn’t know what it would accomplish but I knew that if anyone would understand, it would be him.”

That and the fact that just being near him comforts me.

“I see. And what happened then?”

“He came. He drove to Baltimore from New Jersey. He… He fucking saved me again even when I thought I didn’t deserve it. I tried to ignore the voice. I tried to get it to go away but eventually I couldn’t handle it anymore. I must have looked fucking insane sitting there talking to no one… but.. I was. I wanted to kill myself again. I wanted to do what my father wanted because..”

I can feel the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes again and I move across the room to the window, looking out at the chilly day. People walking around with heavy coats on now that it’s officially gone from summer to fucking winter. What the fuck is Autumn anyway?

“It’s gotten cold out lately, hasn’t it?”

I say after a few minutes of silence.

“It has. But Lucy..”

I sigh, watching my breath condense on the window.

“I know. I know. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I don’t know if it was me.. Or if it was Joe, but I didn’t try to hurt myself.”

I reach up touching the back of my head where I’d slammed it against the wall that night. Luckily I didn’t do more damage, I guess.

“Maybe it was a combination of both?”

“Maybe…”

Maybe. But you’re still a homewrecker.

“I’m not a homewrecker.”

“I never said you were, Lucy.”

I shake my head and turn towards Doctor Itzkof.

“You didn’t.. But he did.”

“Hmmm.”

She puts her finger up to the side of her face as she thinks.

“Do you think that you’re a homewrecker Lucy?”

“I just said that–”

“No. Do you really think that?”

I stop in my tracks and stare at her in disbelief. Does she think that I’m a homewrecker? As if I wasn’t the one that went to fucking Stacy myself to get her to go back home because Joe needed her there to support him. As if I wasn’t the one trying my damndest to support him so that his marriage would be okay…

“I.. No. I don’t. I’m not in control of Joe, or his actions and I’ve done nothing that would qualify me as a homewrecker.”

“Okay. But did you want to?”

My eyes widen.

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I haven’t laid a damn hand on the man. He’s taken. He’s off limits. He’s my fucking friend and if that’s all it’ll ever be, then I’m still damn glad to have him.”

I sigh and throw myself back down into the chair as the doctor finally takes out her pen and begins writing.

“I just.. I can’t deny how much I need him. Maybe I need him too much.”

I mutter to myself as she writes. Finally she clears her throat and looks up at me, her eyes almost pitying me as they look at me. Yeah, I get that look a lot. Thanks.

“Lucy, I really do feel like a lot of this is stress-related. The stress of having to deal with anything to do with your father and those memories seemed to have brought this condition back to the surface. But just like last time, I do believe we can help you without medication… I think we can get you back on the right track.”

So she thinks.

I shake my head and heave a heavy sigh of relief.

“I hope so.”

“And I think your.. Relationship with Joe is a good thing, Lucy. Please don’t take my questions as accusations or anything of the sort. I’m just trying to gauge your feelings on the issue at hand. I think his support has been instrumental in your recovery, and I think it will continue to be that.”

I nod my head.

“Yeah..”

 

I’ll be honest. This is a match that I’ve wanted for a long time, Eden. I know you and I had a match a while back but we both know that it wasn’t a true test of either of us because you know.. People can’t keep out of business that isn’t their own.

Anyway.

I don’t know how you feel heading into this. I can only guess that you’re anticipating being able to toss a few more barbs my way as the ‘Eden Morgan Wannabe’. But I’ll get to that in a few… I’ve had a lot on my mind over the last week or so.. Especially after my little meeting with your friend Necron.. And I’ve got a few things I need to say to you because I fear this will be my only chance to really do so, maybe my only chance to actually get you to just shut up and listen…

Hell, maybe you’ll understand me a little better once I’m finished.

Crazier things have happened.

You and I, we’re more alike than I think you’d like to admit. Actually, I think we’re more similar than anyone around here would readily admit. You and I, we’ve gone through some shit in our lives.. I’m sure I don’t even know the half of it though, Edie.. but what I do know is that the both of us have taken that adversity and we’ve beaten it back into obscurity where it should have always been.

We’re two of the strongest women in the UGWC.

Hell, we’ve been the only two women within the UGWC to become World Champion. I mean, come Monday – that number may rise to three.. But I guess we’ll find that out then. Anyway, you and I, we’ve ascended that mountain and we should be proud of what we’ve done. We should be damn proud of the things we’ve accomplished as women in this business.

But does that mean that I want to be like you?

No.

I’m honestly sorry that you feel that way. I’m sorry that you look at me with such disdain simply because of our similiarities. No matter how much you and I have butted heads over the last few years, I’ve always looked at you with respect and understanding. I’ve always looked at you with reverence.

To me, you’re where the bar is set, Eden. To me, accomplishing what you’ve accomplished will never, and could never be taken away. Even if I am the second woman to have done what you’ve done.

Then again, I’m not sure if that’s even why you feel the way you do. Maybe deep down inside you’re scared. Scared that when I accomplish the same things that you do, that somehow the name ‘Eden Morgan’ will be pushed out of existence. Somehow Eden Morgan’s plight and her struggle to get to where she is now will all be forgotten.. But that’s not the case.

Not in the slightest.

It’s quite the opposite, really. I’ll always be the SECOND woman to do what Eden Morgan did first. I’ll always be the second woman to follow down the path that Eden Morgan blazed all on her own.

Your legacy is in no danger of being forgotten, at least not as long as I’m there to remind everyone of who did it first. Not because I idolize you, Eden. Not because I want to be you.. But because you’ve worked your ass off just as much as I have and I’ll be damned if anyone will shit on your legacy while there’s still breath in my body.

It’s just a damn shame, you know?

Like I said earlier, you and I have done some shit in our careers and we’ve been through just as much, if not more in our respective lives. The shame lies in the fact that I see you, someone who is someone that a younger me would have looked up to. Someone that the small girl that lived in a home so broken and devoid of love and hope.. Could have looked up to and have found that one spot of hope amid a world of abuse and neglect… A spot of hope that could have told her far earlier in her life that I could accomplish things like you have.

But you’ve let all of that shit turn you into a hardened, closed off, hateful person that can’t even see past her own anger and disdain to see what’s really going on here.

I’m not trying to out you. I’m not trying to force everyone to forget you.

Fuck, Eden.. I’m trying to fucking honor you. I’m trying to pay homage to the legacy that you’re going to leave behind here when you do eventually leave this place for greener pastures. I’m trying to respect your sacrifices.. Even if you don’t respect mine.

Even if you don’t respect me.

But the main difference between you and I?

You’ve let your past hold you back. You’ve let the things that have happened to you overshadow the wonderful things that you’ve done.

If anyone is going to let Eden Morgan be forgotten.. It’s you because you know how I mentioned those differences? You see, where you’ve let yourself become something so unlike what you were before.. I’ve taken the shit that’s happened to me in my life.. My abusive childhood, my failed marriage, my failed relationships, my attempt to take my own life…

*Ahem*

I’ve used all of that to help me. I’ve used it as a guide, in order to grow as a person and learn from every single mistake so that I can do better next time. I don’t want to be held back by my past. I don’t want to be defined by it either. Can you say the same, Edie?

And whether or not most of you agree with this sentiment or not… I know that I’m always changing, always growing, always trying to be better than I was yesterday.

Sometimes I slip up. Sometimes I take a few steps in the wrong direction. We all do. But those are the moments when you get complacent. You let yourself fall deep into the definitions and those self accusations. I know them all too well.

We should have been better.

We should have done more.

We should have fought harder.

I do those same things, Eden.. But instead of wallowing in it.. I pick myself back up and I KEEP GOING.

I take everything you say about me. Everything that Gabriel says.. Everything that every God damned person within the UGWC says and I move on with my life. It hurts, yeah. I’m a fucking human being after all and yeah, those constant jabs at me and my life… they hurt.

But I know that when I give up this life for good, I’m not going to allow myself to be known as the woman he let life beat her down until she wound up as a shell of her former self. No, I’m going to leave this life on my own terms, Eden. I’m going to leave as a better person than I was when I started… And it’s sad that I know I can’t say the same about you.

That’s the damn shame of it all.

All this time, you and I could have been allies. Not friends. Not partners.. But allies. We could have been for each other what we’ve both always needed… Someone to turn to that understands what it’s like being a woman in this business. Someone who understands the pressure we’re under to perform at or above the level of the men that we fight night after night. Someone who gets the constant struggles and the doubts.

But instead of that, we have this. We have Eden Morgan pointing her finger at me, trying to tell me that I want to BE her. Telling me that I’ll never BE her. Telling me that I’m nothing compared to THE Eden Morgan.

But tell me this, who are YOU compared to THE Eden Morgan? Hmm?

Who are you now, compared to who you were back then?

You can’t honestly look yourself in the mirror and see the Eden Morgan of old, can you? That spry, young woman who came into this business with a smile on her face and hope… True fucking hope in her heart. All of that is lost on you, Eden. At least it is in this current iteration of you.

The woman I’m facing at Battleground is the woman I’ve gotten to know over these last few years and I wish for your sake that you’d realize that I’m not out to hurt you.. No matter what you might think of me. I wish you would have taken the time to have really, really gotten to know me.. Because I could have stood at Necron’s side last week and I could have helped him to destroy you and Gabriel. Most would have thought I was justified in that, IF I would have decided to do so… considering our colorful past together.

But I DIDN’T.

Now why in the fuck would I do something like that?

Because I’m stupid, right?

Because I can’t stop cutting my nose off despite my face, Huh?

No.

It’s because, regardless of personal feelings.. I respect you. God damnit, Eden. I respect you for your accomplishments. I respect you for going out there and being you each and every week.. I respect you for having the balls to do that and do whatever in the fuck you want because that’s just who you are. I respect you for having an opinion, and sticking to it.. Even if it is to your detriment. I respect the fact that you stand up for those whom you love and you aren’t apologetic for it in the least. I might not like you Eden. I might not like what you stand for or the things you’ve said and have done to me… but the fact remains that I do respect you.

I don’t know.

I feel like this is going to fall on deaf ears, and you know what? I accept that.

I know you have an opinion of what I am and what I stand for and nothing I could ever do will change that clouded, fucked up opinion – But it’s yours and I won’t deny you of that. But what I will do is go out there in a few days and I’ll give you the fight of your life. The fight we both deserve. I’ll go out there and I’ll help you tear the motherfucking house down and show everyone else on the card how in the FUCK it’s done by two of the very best in this business.

No question.

Now, that’s what I’m going to do for you, Eden.

What are you gonna do for me?

Please, give me a glimpse of the woman that I never got a chance to look up to. The woman I never got a chance to confide in or compare notes with. Give me the woman that I wish I’d of been able to fight alongside in her heyday.

Give me the woman I thought you were that night we went out for a drink in Chicago.

You remember that right?

I remember it well. I remember thinking that there was more to you than met the eye. I was hopeful and I was grateful that you and I were actually making an effort to clear the stagnant air between us.

Too bad it wasn’t what I thought it was. Too bad I let my guard down and you used it against me afterward. But what you saw as weakness, Eden.. well it wasn’t.

My willingness to sit down with you after all the hard feelings between us, well that wasn’t weakness on my part. It was my strength. My willingness to endure the possible consequences of my actions.. That’s not my weakness. That’s my fucking strength.

It’s funny that you spend so much time trying to tear me down for being a strong woman. For being more than I think I can be… Because deep down inside, you know that you’re not that. At least not as much as you used to be.

My strength scares you.

It scares the shit out of you, doesn’t it?

My ability to rise above the shit spewed at my feet, it terrifies you. Even though you were once that. You were once the woman that did exactly what I’m doing now.. Until life brought you down. Until you let life bring you down. Until your experiences soured you. Until you let your experiences sour you.

Putting me down might make you feel better about yourself but it’s only widening that void that lies in your chest where your heart should be. Just remember though, that every negative thing you’ve said and every hurtful thing that you will say to me.. It only gives me strength, Eden.

It only strengthens my will to not be like you in that regard.

And it only weakens your ability to climb out of that hole that you’ve so willingly thrown yourself into.

It makes me sad, Eden.

It really does.

I’ll never be you. I’ll never want to be you.

I only wanted to know you.

I only wanted to be your equal.

I only wanted your respect because you’ve always had mine.

But I guess that time has passed, huh?

I guess it has…

 

OOC: I just wanted to say what an absolute joy it is to have finally gotten this match with you Britt.  I’ve already told you this but I love you dearly and I hope this piece does you the justice you deserve!  Lets tear the motherfucking house down!!! 🙂