Date June 2nd 2020 / Time2:07PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Johnson Residence – Baltimore, Maryland

My eyes keep scanning over his words, as if they’re going to say anything different the more times I read them.

He hopes I’m well… He misses me.

I sigh and turn my eyes down at the picture, looking at myself… In a much happier time, remembering the feeling of the sun on my skin, the mist coming off the waves and the smell of the ocean..

But instead of making me feel a rush of happiness… all it does now is tie a few more knots in my stomach.

I miss him. I miss them all.

Of course I do. I’m not heartless, after all. No matter what anyone might think about me and my actions over the course of the last few months. Yeah, I up and did exactly what he did… Kinda petty of me when I sit here and think about it.

Like I’ve been thinking about it ever since I made that rash decision after Isolation.

I’m not really known for my great decisions. Then again, this particular one stands out. I go back and forth on it almost daily.

Did I do the right thing?

Did I fuck everything up?

I close my eyes, laying my head back on the sofa as the phone drops down onto the cushion beside me.

“Everything was fucked already..”

I murmur to myself, sighing.

“What you say Mommy?”

I jerk forward on the couch and turn to see Adina staring at me from the hallway. Shit. I scramble up to my feet and move towards her, shaking my head.

“Aren’t you supposed to be napping?”

She shakes her head.

“I’m done Mommy.”

I sigh and shake my head in return.

“You were in there for literally ten minutes.”

She eyes me up for a few seconds, opting to shrug me off – skirting around me and stomping towards the living room. I turn around and watch her, my arms crossed, as she drops to the ground beside her toy box and proceeds to tear it apart in search of God only knows what.

“I gonna play now Mommy.”

“I see this…”

There’s no use in fighting her, I guess. Stubborn little shit. As frustrating as it is, it does give me the tiniest bit of joy seeing her act like me. At least she doesn’t act like her father…

That thought makes me chuckle as I bring myself back to the couch, grabbing my phone before I sit down to watch her play. I move to put it away in my pocket, but no matter how much I wish the simple act of putting the phone away could just stop me thinking about Jack and everything that happened…

I can’t.

Part of me feels like I should go back to Vegas and just work this shit out… Figure it out, one step at a time. But… Part of me doesn’t really think I know who Jack Michaels truly is. Part of me thinks that I rushed head on into this relationship without truly knowing who he is as a person.

And what he’s capable of.

I’m no angel, but as I glance up to see Adina playing in front of me – I honestly don’t know that I could do what he did to Amber. Even if Adina grew up and wanted a match with her mother, I honestly don’t know if I could do it. Sure I could ‘wrestle’ her. But to turn into what Jack did because he couldn’t say a simple ‘no’ to what Amber asked of him?

I roll my eyes.

This coming from the same Bitch who nearly killed her own siste–

“Mommy!”

“Huh?”

Adina jostles me from my thoughts, her eyes scanning over me with a combination of curiosity and annoyance.

“What do you need baby girl?”

She stands up and puts her hands behind her back, just like she always does when she’s thinking about something. Finally, she turns those deep brown eyes up at me.

“I was jus wonderin when we was gonna see Mr. JD again.”

Way to kick me when I’m down, baby girl.

I sit up and smile softly at her.

“Soon, I’m sure. He’s just been…. Busy lately.”

She nods her head and goes back to playing.

I used to think it was odd that she’s asked about Jack less and less… But then I slowly realized that he’d been gone for two months before I was able to go back to Vegas to get her. JD’s been around more in that time, and in her three year old brain, I guess that’s who her mind turns to first.

I should probably let her talk to Jack… Because regardless of the current situation, I know he loves her. For all intents and purposes, until I tell her that JD’s her Dad… Jack is the only father figure she really knows. Even if I don’t want to head back to Vegas… I gave JD the benefit of the doubt, I should do the same for Jack.

Regardless of what I want to do.. it’s what’s best for Adina.

I can’t keep her away from the only family she knows.

 

Date June 6th 2020 / Time1:55PM / Status Not Recording
Location The Johnson Residence – Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Kyra, the important thing to remember is that you are your own woman, beholden to no one else. You do what you feel is right…

His words from a few days ago, they ran through my head as if Ken Davison, the bastard, were standing here right in front of me saying them himself. That smug look on his face, feigning concern… a dead look of caring in his eyes.

I know he’s trying to manipulate me. I know it….

But I agree with him.

The fucker.

“MOMMY CAN WE GO?!”

I glance up to see Taylor and Adina standing by the door, grabbing a few last things before we head out to the park and I realize I’d not gotten a damn thing together. I sigh and shake my head.

“Tay, would you mind taking her and going ahead – I need to grab a few more things.”

Taylor, JD’s son… My step son smiles and nods his head, reaching out for Adina’s hand which she readily takes.

“You got it, Mom. We’ll meet you there.”

I smile back and watch the two leave the condo.

It’s been great having him here. Not only does he love that little girl, but he loves me too… Even after all these years. It feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve seen him – the last time being when Adina was still an infant. He and I have always had a lot in common. Neither of us get what’s going on in the mind of one JD Mohr the majority of the time, and both of us get tired of it pretty damn fast.

He’s a good kid. Always has been. His father doesn’t understand him the way he understands Tyler – his other son. At least not in my mind. But what do I know?

I don’t even know what to do with my own life half the time.

I’m my own woman. I can make my own decisions…

Do what you feel is right…

“Fucking Ken…”

I mutter, dragging myself back into the bedroom to find a pair of shoes to put on.

Do what you feel is right…

As I walk into the room, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it stops me in my tracks. Reaching a hand up and running it through my (barely) brushed hair, I take in the sight of myself.

“Jesus..”

I’m a fucking mess.

This entire thing hasn’t been easy, no. I’ve gotten used to having help.. I’ve gotten used to having someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on when things get tough.

I’ve let myself get soft… again.

The woman I’m looking at isn’t the same Kyra Johnson who lit the God damned world on fire before JD.. Before Jack… Before Adina…

Before any of it.

Yet here I stand, on my self imposed exile…

Do what you feel is right…

I close my eyes. God damned Ken Davison. Motherfucker wants my belt and he wants me to fall apart before he takes it from me. Acting all nice, acting like he gets me and what I’m going through… Being ‘Supportive’ of my decision to do what I’ve done…

“Don’t fucking fall for it Kyra.”

He’s just using me to get to what he wants.. Amber. He’s gonna try and lay waste to me to get that belt just to get at Amber.

So why is he so God damned right?

I am doing what I feel is right… I’m taking time, I’m figuring out what I really want… I’m taking care of my kid – I’m doing my damnedest to keep her happy. I’m trying to piece together everything that’s been running through my mind since… Well, nearly three months ago now.. When all this shit started.

And over the last few days, I’ve been trying to figure out what to say to Jack when I inevitably talk to him… How to tell him that I want to call off the wedding. How I wanna take a step back because I love him… But I don’t think I know who he really is. How I want him to still be in Adina’s life, but I just want to be his friend…

I’ve been trying to figure out what to say to Amber when I finally tear down this wall I’ve erected around myself long enough to look her in the eyes. How do I express the hurt and the betrayal. How do I not let it ruin the most important friendship in my life?

Guess I gotta figure that last one out soon, since I’ll be looking her in the eyes in a few days time… From opposite sides of the ring.

I hate this.

I hate all of this.

But there’s no turning back now. I can’t second guess myself. I can’t step out there on Monday, thinking about what was, or what could’ve, should’ve been… I gotta do what I feel is right, regardless of who may have said the exact same thing…

Ken’s just trying to add fuel to a fire that doesn’t need anymore stoking.

I’ve done enough of that myself, and the decisions I’ve made lately are only gonna fan them more. Fuck it. Let it burn. Let it engulf everything in its sight.

I’m only doing what I feel is right…

“God damnit…”

I pull myself away from my reflection and shove my feet into a pair of shoes, and just as I’m exiting the bedroom, my phone rings.

-Everything alright?-

…

…

It will be.

Instead of texting Taylor back, I scroll through my contacts, finding the ‘J’s’.

-Jack.. I’m ready to talk-

I hesitate before pressing send, but instead of putting my phone away, I scroll back up to the ‘A’s’ and start typing again.

-Amber, Let’s talk after Chaos.-

Again, I hesitate for a split second before pressing send. I sigh and put the phone away… It’s like Ken keeps saying… I gotta do what I feel is right. Even if that means agreeing with him. Fucking asshole.

 

This match fucking sucks, don’t it? I go from refereeing the match my ex husband is fighting in to teaming with the dickhead I’m set to defend my Ultraviolent Championship again in what… A little over two weeks? Oh, and nevermind the fact I’m going up against the current world champion… You may have heard of her…

Come on Joe… For fucks sake.

I mean we’re here now, might as well fight it out, right?

Right?

Where the hell do I even start?

Maybe I’ll start with you, Trent. You’re probably the easiest person to talk to in this match – and I know in hearing that, you’re probably wondering what in the fuck has gone wrong in the world to make me think such a terrible thing about you, huh?

I don’t know. But it takes balls to stand out there and say what you said to JD and myself last Chaos. You’re a lot of hot air, Trent… At least some of the time. But the other part of the time you’re right. I’m a hot fucking mess, ain’t I? I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re an asshole for saying it but I respect you for it. Oh, and congratulations on kicking Ken’s ass because God knows he needed it.

Unfortunately, you apparently knocked him so hard that now he’s barking up my tree… But what do you expect? Desperate times call for desperate measures, right Ken?

But Trent, in all seriousness… anytime I get to be in the ring with you, it’s an honor. You’re the epitome of everything I try to be in this business. You are Ultraviolence, and as the champion of Ultraviolence… well, I can’t have you outdoing me, can I?

But good luck against Amber, Trent. And good luck this week against me… And Ken.

Ugh.

Ken.

You know what the worst part about this whole thing is, Ken? No, it’s not teaming with you. That’s a close second. It’s listening and reading all your bullshit… You know what I’m talking about. Do what you feel is right, Kyra… You’re your own woman… AND AGREEING WITH YOU.

God I hate myself for saying that.

But you’d know I’d agree with you, didn’t you? You fucker. But that doesn’t change a damn thing between us, Ken. That doesn’t change the fact that you put yourself in my cross-hairs just for the minute chance that you could take this belt off my waist and take the scenic route in getting to Amber.

But we’ll talk more about that later because this isn’t about Underground.

This is about Chaos and how we have to work together against my friend and her opponent.

But I’ll just say one more thing about it Ken, and then I’m moving on… I am my own woman and you’re right, I don’t need to stand in anyone’s shadow. There’s a reason I have this belt, and that’s because I’m one of the baddest bitches on this roster. But you already know that. You’ve been there, gotten the t-shirt. Don’t worry about my life, Ken. Don’t try to break down my defenses with your fake-ass support because at the end of the day, you’re just my next victim and I’m gonna take great pleasure in putting a permanent stop to this little crusade of yours.

No, not because they need protecting.

But because I just don’t like you… and well, you want what’s mine and I just can’t let you take it from me.

So hey, fuck you.

Speaking of the great Crusade of ‘The Literal Dickhead’ Ken Davison…

Amber.

I don’t really think I have much to say in regard to this match. I’ve already expressed the want to speak with you after this show… But I guess, as your opponent this week… I gotta say, I don’t really want to fight you. Not after all this. Not while I’m still feeling the sting of what you did.

There’s a part of me that worries that I’m going to lose my shit like I did with Lucy and well, I don’t want to go there again. I don’t wanna do to you what Jack did. I don’t wanna be that kind of monster.. Even though that seems to be the name of the game around here lately, huh?

But just think about how different things would be right now if Jack would have just said ‘no’.

The other part of me feels like whatever happens, happens. We know each other pretty well, at least I’d like to think so. I know you won’t be satisfied if I come out there like some pussy, unwilling to hit you like the fighter we both know you are.. and you know I won’t be satisfied if you come out there wearing your guilt like a blanket and shy away from this fight. So why not just fuck each other up and get it out of the way?

Either way, we’ll go out there and we’ll fight.

It’ll end, and we’ll finally have that talk.

Can’t promise you’re gonna like either outcome.

Can’t promise I’m gonna like it either.

But those are the breaks, hun. Those are the breaks.