Synergy #383

Two Down.

I’m thinking to myself while I shove my things into my bag. Two down.. And so much more to go. I don’t know what lies next, but it won’t be easy – And still I worry that I won’t make it to the end.

I worry that I won’t make it and once again, I’ll be letting us down.

“Hey, congratulations.”

I hear Rogan’s voice quietly from across the room.

“Yeah.”

I reply, not bothering to pull my focus away from my bag in front of me. I should be feeling good about what I’ve accomplished and I know it. And that’s literally all he wants… Right? He just wants me to see what I’ve done and feel good about it.

And I want to.

God damnit, I want to.

But I can’t reconcile this, this feeling in the pit of my stomach. The weight of failure weighs on me like that crane did when I lost the World title. I went into that match feeling good and look at how it ended up. I went into that match believing in myself and believing that I could actually come out of it successful… And look at where it got me.

Scratching and clawing my way back… Constantly terrified that one of these weeks, I’m going to fail myself, and him… again.

If I can’t manage to be everything he thinks I am… Then what good am I?

Rogan sighed. I’ve heard that sigh enough over the last few weeks to know exactly what was coming.. And to be honest, I don’t know how to answer him any differently than I have every other time.

“You won. Why does it have to be like this, Lass?”

I close my eyes and pull in a deep breath.. It’s like I thought… How do I respond to that? Do I really want to say anything at all?

Do I really want to argue with Rogan… again?

“Well I’m sorry that we can’t all be like you and forget that not everything is puppy dogs and rainbows.”

I try to say it softly, but it comes out far more venomous than I was intending. I just.. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if it would be a relief to him to know that I’m just as frustrated with myself as he is with me.

I’ve been here so many times – and I’ve nearly always been able to pull it together and keep fucking going. So why can’t I do that now? Why can’t I just listen? Why can’t I just put on a smile, even if it’s not entirely sincere, and let him know that I’m at least trying… Let him know that I do hear him and I do want to make things better…

Who in the hell am I anymore?

All the progress I felt like I made in these last few years.. Blown apart by a World Title and an AstroCreep on a mission.

It surprises me when I hear Rogan laugh. Without looking up, I can tell it’s a dry and humorless laugh – Almost like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten anything. Say, what’s wrong with trying to see the positives? You used to be that way too, once upon a time.”

I can feel the sting of those words, cutting me deep as I finally glance up and our eyes meet – and I can feel the chill from Rogan’s icy gaze. Something I never thought I’d see from him.. Something I never thought I’d feel.

I let out a sigh. What do I tell him? That I don’t feel worthy of him? That won’t help anything. Do I tell him that every day since Run of the Mill, I’ve struggled to do what he’s wanted of me… And when I can’t – I feel even less worthy?

Rogan MacLean has always been my light at the end of the tunnel. But what happens when that tunnel is neverending?

“It never ends up that way. That’s why.”

I say instead, shaking my head and turning my gaze away from his – opting to finish packing my bag. I hope that’s the end of it, and we can just–

“Okay, I’ve had enough of this.”

He moved in front of me, and instantly – even though I was staring at his shoes – I could see the tension in his body. He wasn’t done.. And what choice do I have but to let him speak.

I’ve dug myself into this hole… Hell, I’ve dug both of us into this hole.. And he’s finally had enough.

“This… this fucking negativity, Lucy. I don’t know where it’s coming from. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve to be the punching bag, but I can’t endure it forever.”

To his credit, he didn’t shout – But I can feel the anger in his voice. And when I look up into his eyes, I can see it. His eyes.. They weren’t the eyes of the Rogan I knew. No, they were practically aflame with resentment.. With animosity, directed right at me and it makes me sick to my stomach as he continues.

“I don’t know if you’re actually upset with yourself and you’re really worried about disappointing me… or if you’re using that as a mask and this is some passive aggressive tactic to shove me away so you don’t have to come out with the truth. I don’t know which it is, but I’ve been quite alone here recently in trying to figure it out.”

He paused and silence filled the room. Briefly.

Guilt. Defeat. Fear. All mixing together inside my gut. I can feel my hands shaking, even as they rest on top of my bag.

“I was lost… for eleven years, I was lost. And I fought. And I clawed my way back here. For you! Not for anyone else or anything else other than Lucy Wylde. And then I come back, and it’s as if you were the one who was gone eleven years. Since you lost the World Championship, you haven’t been the same. I didn’t expect you to be. But I didn’t expect you to shut me out, either.”

Rogan takes a step back, his eyes widening a bit as he stares away from me, seemingly at nothing.

“I can’t keep chasing you, Lucy. I can’t venture through the way stations and the doorways and the wastelands. I can’t stay aboard this monorail anymore. I’ve run out of riddles to keep it happy. I can’t fight the wolves of the Calla. Or hold off the breakers. I can’t do it anymore.”

I try to make sense of what he’s saying, but I honestly don’t understand any of it. But I can tell where he’s going even without knowing what he’s talking about.. And when he looks down at me again, I know what he’s going to say and my chest tightens in anticipation.

“There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. My destiny has always been to find the Dark Tower. For a long time I thought I knew what that was. Only recently did I realize that I was wrong. The Dark Tower was never the UGWC World Championship for me. It was you. You are my Dark Tower, Lucy Wylde.”

He takes another step backwards and my chest tightens further.. I’m his Dark Tower?

Oh my God..

“But I’m afraid they’ve broken the beams. And my Dark Tower has escaped me once more.”

My heart feels like it’s about to fall out of my chest as silence takes over the room. The feeling in here has changed, and as I stare at him, staring at the floor… It feels like time has stood still. It feels like we’re on the edge of a cliff… It feels like he’s letting go.

And when he finally looks back up into my eyes… It’s not cold anymore. It’s sad. So, so sad. And when he finally speaks… it’s barely a whisper.

“Long days and pleasant nights, Lucy.”

There’s nothing I can say, nothing I can do as I watch him stand there for another moment before he turns and leaves the room – the door closing quietly behind him.

Sometimes the loudest moments in our lives are filled with silence. And this silence is deafening.

 

Chapter 3: Agony

The rain was unrelenting.

Here in the Sonoran Desert, rain was not in the forecast very often, but on this night, the only sound louder than the rain as it pounded the sand and the asphalt was the crack of the lightning as it lit up the night sky – and the deafening boom of the thunder as it followed closely afterwards.

Stood together, in the middle of the downpour, the Dark Man and the Dark Lady clung to one another as if the world around them were falling apart. Their clothing was tattered and worn down, looking as if they’d been through battle together. The Dark Man’s hat was gone, his hair a matted mess as the rain poured down his face – and the Dark Lady’s long, blonde hair stuck to her face, hiding her features as the rain continued pelting the two of them.

“You are everything I ever thought you could be.. And more.”

The Dark Man spoke softly into the Dark Lady’s ear as another boom of thunder put an exclamation point on his statement.

“But we have reached an impasse.”

The Dark Lady, she shook her head and buried her face into the chest of her Dark Man as he squeezed her frame and left a soft kiss on the top of her head.

“I know…”

She finally replied, her voice shaking.

“It shouldn’t be.”

“But it is.”

The Dark Man’s face looked almost pained as he nodded his head.

“You will continue on your Conquest… And you’ll prevail.”

The Dark Man pulled himself away from her, and looked deep into her eyes as a flash of lightning danced across the horizon behind them. A dark, but reassuring smile crosses the Dark Man’s lips as he brings his hand up and brushes her hair out of her face.

“You will face the one who put your last reign to rest, and you will use him as the stepping stone that he is.”

The Dark Lady’s gaze broke from his for a moment, and in that split second she looked unsure of herself. The Dark Man picked up on this, and using a finger, he guided her face back to his.

“You will. Of that I have no doubts.”

“I will.”

She finally said as the rain disguised the tears streaming the corners of her eyes.

“It will not end like this.. This will not stop me, my love.”

The Dark Man nodded as another flash of lightning lit up the sky and the deep rumble of thunder cascaded across the landscape. He lowered his head for a moment, and released her as he took a step backwards. It was in that moment that both of them finally felt the chill in the wet night air.

“I must go now.”

The Dark Lady shook her head.

“I know.”

The pair stood together, but no longer were they touching. The Dark Lady wrapped her arms around herself, and exhaled while the Dark Man ran his hands through his drenched hair. Neither of them wanted to leave, but they knew that it must be.

“Fate will bring us back together.”

He finally says, reaching out for her hands once more. She takes them desperately, but it only prolongs the inevitable.

“I will do what needs to be done, my Dark Man… I will right this wrong.”

He nods his head.

“Only you can.”

As much as it pains him to do so, he releases her hands and steps back once more. The Dark Man looks upon his Dark Lady for a long pause, before he turns and walks away – Leaving her alone in the middle of this abandoned road in the pouring rain.

The only sound louder than the storm raging around her was the sound of her heart breaking.

 

October 28th

The last few days have been rough to say the least. I didn’t really know what to do after Rogan left the locker room – All I knew was that I wasn’t going to be going back home. All I knew was that I certainly wasn’t welcome there anymore.

So here I am, in a hotel room again.. By myself.

I sit up in bed and look around… Boy, does this bring back memories. Memories I don’t really want to relive. But then again, that’s been what these last few days have brought me. That’s what I’ve brought on myself and I know it.

Everything he said the other night plays through my head, over and over.. and over.

“Look at what you’ve done.”

The voice startles me at first. By now it shouldn’t shock me at all, but when I look up expecting to see the same dark shadow I’ve been seeing for weeks now – I’m even more surprised to see something… or someone completely different sitting in the chair across the room, her legs crossed and her eyes hidden beneath a wide brimmed hat.

And when she finally looks up at me from beneath the hat, I gasp.

“You’re–”

“You know very well who I am.”

She uncrosses her legs and leans forward on the chair, her eyes never leaving me.

“What have you done, Lucy..”

If she’s who I think she is… If she’s truly The Dark Lady… Then she already knows what I’ve done. She already knows because she’s… me. I shake my head and look away, hoping that when I look back, she’ll be gone because I just can’t handle this right now.

“I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.”

“I.. I don’t know what to say.”

She pulls the hat off of her head and lays it on the table beside her.

“I told you not to ruin this. Did you think that I was just playing with you? Did you think that all of this was a joke?”

I shake my head.

“No! You don’t understand… I–”

“I understand perfectly, my dear. I know what you’ve been through. I know what we’ve been through. But that can be an excuse for only so long.”

She taps the imaginary watch on her wrist.

“And time is up.”

Time is up.

Those words seemingly pull all the breath from my lungs and I hunch over on the bed, holding my chest – Trying to catch my breath. She’s right. Rogan was right.

I hear her get up, and I hear the sound of her boots clunking across the floor, getting closer to where I’m sitting.

“I told you to stop. I told you you’d cost us everything, and you have. This is NOT a game, Lucy. This is our LIFE and you’ve lost us the very best thing to ever happen to us.. My Dark Man.. He’s gone. Because of your excuses!”

“I.. I’m sorry.”

I look up, finally able to catch my breath – to see her pacing around in front of me.

“Save your apologies for the one who truly matters. I don’t care about how sorry you are.”

She stops and places her hands on her hips and stares at me with disgust.

“They hurt you. Your father. Your sister. CJ. Joseph. The list goes on, Lucy but when do you stop using your past as an excuse to ruin your present? These things, these events in your life aren’t easy ones to conquer BUT it can be done.”

I nod my head and look down, but not for long as I feel a hand on the back of my head, pulling my face back up so that my gaze meets her fiery one.

“It CAN be done. You’ve done it before. You’ve proven yourself to be an example to others who’ve gone through similar things, haven’t you? Even if you held me down.. Even if you denied my existence for YEARS.. You still managed to push through. So why now? Why do you falter now?”

I feel the tears pushing at the corners of my eyes, I try to blink them away but instead I feel them running down my cheeks. She doesn’t let go, however. Instead, she grins as she watches the tears run down my face.

“WHY?!”

She shouts again.

“You already know the answer!”

“I want YOU to say it! WHY?!”

I close my eyes.

“WHY?!”

“Because I don’t deserve him!! Are you happy?! I don’t deserve Rogan and I don’t deserve his understanding or his love! I don’t deserve anything he’s given me because the me he fell for is a fucking lie! I’m not that person.. And I’m sure as hell not you..”

She finally lets go and I can finally breathe again.

“And that is why you’re alone.”

Each time she speaks, it’s like another dagger going through my heart.

“You equate success and championships with worthiness. You see myself and you as two separate entities. My, how small your mind is. How very narrow your views. Life hasn’t been kind to us, Lucy. But that doesn’t make you special.”

She pauses again and leans down, right in my face.

“You are his Dark Tower. WE are his Dark Tower.. Think about that, Lucy. Think about it and stop acting like the victim. I am no victim, and neither are you. Rogan MacLean.. The Dark Man.. he is our Dark Tower too. Our fates are what we make… And our fates are each other.”

She turns and walks back to the table, grabbing her hat and as she turns around she places it back onto her head and promptly disappears.. Leaving me to think about what just happened, and everything else on top of that.

I just hope I can fix this…

 

“Let’s just get the elephant in the room out of the way, okay, Travis?   You, me and everyone else knows what happened at Run of the Mill.  We’re all well aware that you’re a big reason why I’m no longer the UGWC World Champion.   But we’re also ALL aware that it took a fucking crane in order to keep me from whooping yours and Tempests asses… AGAIN.”

Lucy sneers at the camera. 

“Ain’t no one disputing any of that.  You did well for yourself, Travis.  Yet here I am, Conquest Champion and all you have to show for the last few month or so is losing to Tempest in your one on one match for the world title.. and what else?   No, really.. What else?   I’m having trouble remembering anything you’ve done lately that’s noteworthy.”

She shrugs her shoulders.  

“I’d say that I don’t mean that as an insult, but I’m not really in the mood to consider your feelings, Travis.   You’re here to try and take the Conquest title from me in yet another futile effort to make all of this worth it.   And by this.. I mean your career up to this point.   And I know that’s not a fair assessment.  I’ve already said that you’ve accomplished some shit, and you’re not as worthless as a lot of people make you out to be.   I said it, and I meant it.   I know you’ve got a chance to come in and win this belt.  Everyone knows it.  I’m just not gonna let you do it.”

Lucy sighs.

“I can’t let you do it.   I’ve gotta make it back to Tempest.   I used to think that it was because I wanted that world title back.  And maybe a part of it is.  But I’ve had a lot of time to think about it since Run of the Mill, and since I listened to Tempest talking about how he felt dissatisfied because he wasn’t the one to beat me… And I realized, I need to make it back to him because I need to prove it to him once and for all that he can’t fucking beat me.   You’ve gotten in my way once, and I’ll give you credit for that.”

“Your creativity earned you your own one on one match with Tempest – And that really was your best chance, you know that right?   And you know that your best chance at beating me was the fact that you had a fucking crane… and there won’t be any cranes at ringside on Monday.   I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself.”

A dark smirk crosses her lips.

“What more is there to say?  You’re gonna do your little show and you’re gonna make a bunch of jokes about me and our match.   Maybe that’s why our peers don’t really take you seriously.  I’ll give you props on your production value though, but the content… Meh.    I’d say you’re better than that, but I don’t really know that.. Do I?   That’s all you’ve ever been and that’s a shame.   I’ve fought Ken Davison, and Ezra Wolf so far.. Both of them are far more serious threats to this belt than you, and I beat them.   And I’m gonna do my damndest to beat you too, Travis.  We’ve already outlined the reasons why.  But most of all, I’m going to beat you because I want to.   I want to be the next one to take this belt all the way to five defenses.  I want to be everything that I don’t always believe I am.”

“Everyone sees me differently.  Many see me as a legitimate threat to any match that I’m in.  Some see me as the nobody I used to think I was.  And a few see me as a joke.  Which one are you Travis?  Am I the joke that you poke fun at on your little show?  Or deep down do you know that you’ve got your work cut out for you… and you hide behind your jests because it’s the only thing you can do when you know you’re completely and truthfully out of your element?  I understand that, Travis.  Believe it or not, I’ve been doing the same thing, or something similar since I lost at Run of the Mill and it’s fucked things up pretty well.  But I know I’m better than that.”

She nods her head.

“And I’m gonna prove it again, on Monday.”